Balance
by collegefangirl3791
Summary: Rey and Kylo's continued conversations after their fight with Snoke lead them to realizations about themselves, each other, and the Force that they never anticipated - first among them being that everything is much more complicated than they wish it was. Slow burn.
1. Chapter 1: Nothing

_"And between it all... Balance."_

1\. Nothing

Rey was in the middle of a form when it happened again. She stopped and sighed, waves of disappointment crashing over her – not all of it hers.

"Are you controlling this now?" she said, turning slightly to meet Kylo's eyes. He looked like he always had, but there was something even more angry and desperate in his expression now. She knew that he felt betrayed by her decision; she felt the same about his. He'd had a chance. He'd saved her. And then he'd become something else, although just what that was, she wasn't sure yet.

"No," he said angrily, rubbing his face. He looked tired. He _felt_ exhausted.

"Well, amazing." Rey resumed her form; eventually the connection would stop, but she didn't want to talk to him. It was hard not to let out her anger and disappointment.

He moved closer and she had to adjust her swings so she wouldn't hit him, although there would be something satisfying about slamming the staff into his stomach. "Why didn't you come with me?" he said, and although he sounded calm and cold enough, his mind was raging. That same disappointment and betrayal but also, deep confusion.

"Why didn't you come with me?" she retorted, swiping her staff towards his head. He didn't move, just flinched a little.

Irritation pulsed hot from him and he scowled, crossing his arms. "You think your friends will be there for you? You think they can save you? Trust me, Rey, they'll always let you down."

"Just because Luke let you down doesn't mean everyone will," Rey said shortly, finally stopping her form and tossing the staff onto the ground. So they would talk now.

"He was my uncle, Rey," Kylo growled. "You think you can trust an ex-stormtrooper and a reckless pilot more than I could trust my own family?"

Rey mulled hard over what to say. He was angry and lonely and was justified in his anger. He was also wrong, but she couldn't pinpoint quite why. She just knew he'd fundamentally missed something. She tilted her head to the side and looked at him. He should have been intimidating, but so often he looked like a lost boy. Luke's betrayal had shattered what little resistance Ben had had to the Dark Side. She knew he was picking up on her feelings of compassion and curiosity because his face contorted in an ugly grimace and he looked away. She felt his disgust curling behind her compassion. "I'm not a child," he said harshly. "And I don't want your pity."

She wanted to say it wasn't pity, wanted to say she was sorry he'd been left alone. Instead, she realized she understood why he was wrong, and why his pain had twisted him up inside while hers never had. "You think that if everyone thinks you're nothing, they're right. Your whole life, even though you had heroes for parents, you felt like nothing because no one wanted you. Except for Snoke, and he told you that you would be nothing unless you embraced the Darkness."

Kylo, to her relief, didn't tell her to shut up, although he was angry. So dangerously angry. She stepped towards him, wanting to try to reach him again. She understood him, for better or worse.

"You said that I came from nothing, that I was nothing."

"I don't think you're nothing though, I-" he began, hastily.

Rey shook her head. "No, you think that I'm nothing by nature, but that my power makes me important. You think I must feel alone, that I must feel how useless I am, and that's why I wouldn't accept that my parents sold me." She sighed. It hurt to know that she wasn't left on Jakku for an important reason, that it wasn't the selfless act of kind parents or a dramatic legacy like Luke's. It hurt that her parents would sell her for a few credits. But that didn't make her useless. Did it?

"You do. You feel hurt and abandoned and betrayed," he said fiercely, quietly, stepping towards her. "You're just like me but you're hanging on to the notion that there really is a difference between the light and the dark. But there's not, Rey, that's just what we were told as children to make the world seem comfortable and easy."

"I am like you," she told him, and that was true. But she was not, in the ways that he wanted her to be. "But I'm stronger. I am not, and have never been, nothing. And neither are you. You're not defined by the choices others make, you're defined by your own. And your choices have mostly been monstrous ones, Ben."

"Yes, I know, we've agree I'm a monster," he hissed. She couldn't pin down the emotion he was experiencing – his thoughts were chaotic.

She crossed her arms and met his eyes, brown like hers. "I choose to trust my friends. But even if they fail me, I refuse to ever fail them because I love them. You failed me, Ben. You failed your uncle and your parents and everyone who ever believed in you. But I'm not letting you take this path any further."

He laughed, and it was a cold, angry sound, but his fear crept like smoke past the laugh. And somewhere, somewhere a spark of hope that he wished he could stifle. "I failed you? I don't owe you anything. You should never have gotten your hopes up."

"Your mother hasn't given up on you," Rey said. "Somehow, after everything, she wants you to come home."

Kylo took a step back, although he still looked angry. "Does she?" he scoffed.

"Yes." Rey took a deep breath and smiled at him, at this violent, angry, lonely boy who'd disappointed her and his family and legacy time and again. "And I'm not giving up on you either."

He scoffed again, but there still she felt the fear and the hope and something like longing intermingling in his mind.

"This isn't a story, Rey. There isn't a happy ending for us if we play by the rules and do all the good things your Jedi order is so infatuated with. We have to make our own destinies. Stop being so naïve!"

She sighed and shook her head. "Of course we make our own destinies. But it's how we do it that really shapes them. So keep me updated on how your choice works out for you, because while you're on this path, you're still going to be alone, and you're still going to feel like you're nothing. And no amount of power is going to change that."

And she felt his fear that she was right like the cold sea spray.

* * *

 **A/N: This is gonna be multichapter but I don't really know where it's going? I just love the idea of their Force bond (which btw has been my headcanon since the beginning.**

 **Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2: Red

2\. Red

It woke Kylo up from a restless sleep. He never seemed able to dream of anything anymore except for the color red, red like the guard and Snoke's throne room, red like his saber in Rey's kind hands, red like the salt on Crait. He didn't care. He _didn't_.

Rey was asleep. The bond hadn't awoken her yet, and he couldn't help but walk over to her and look at her. Her hair was down around her face, mouth open a little, drooling. He should have wanted to laugh at her, wanted to wake her with a slap that she would feel through the bond, but he didn't. He just looked. She always had some kind of peace that he could only envy, but in her sleep she looked lonely. Like him. She was always just like him, couldn't she see? It would be better if she were with him. He knew he was right, he knew someday she would see that they could trust no one but themselves.

Right?

She woke up suddenly and jolted to her feet, staring at him. He realized how he must look, in his loose nightshirt and pants, and consoled himself that she looked no better. Her hair was tangled and she wore a loose sweater and thick leggings. She looked warm.

He wasn't warm. He hadn't been in a long time.

"Why now?" she groaned, doing something with her hair so it was out of her face, then wrapping her arms around her stomach.

"I don't know." He wanted to go back to sleep, but there was something calming about her.

Something dangerous.

"I don't really want to have a conversation right now," she said, and with some amusement he nodded.

"Having pleasant dreams?"

"Oh, shut up," she grumbled, sitting down. She hesitated, then sighed and threw up her hands. "I can't sleep with all that anger of yours in my head."

"I can't really either," he admitted, then wanted to take it back. He wasn't supposed to be this weak. But there was always such compassion from her, and she always looked at him as if she wanted to understand. As if she did. He scowled and turned away.

"Maybe you should sit down and calm down," she said to him, and he snorted.

"That's not really my style."

"No, your style is to shout at things and be angry and try to blow up your uncle," she said wryly. She felt amused and annoyed and very tired all at once. "It's very dramatic, but not very practical."

Kylo bristled but sat down on his bed. It was so hard not to want to talk to her when all Rey's emotions were beating at him like the warmth of a fire he didn't want to touch, like the rhythm of his own heartbeat.

She leaned forward and looked at him. He hated her eyes. They were beautiful and warm and full of life. Somehow, she was everything he was not and had never been. Everything that his family wished he was.

He hated her.

"Why didn't you come with me?" she asked, softer this time than last time. She reached for something and then she was pulling a blanket around her shoulders. _She was what he was not._ "You saved me."

He couldn't look at her. Her disappointment stung enough as it was.

He had looked at her, in Snoke's throne room, kneeling there when she didn't deserve to bow to anyone. She wasn't supposed to be like him, he'd thought. Not supposed to be like this.

Snoke had treated her the way he'd always treated Kylo and he'd known that even if he deserved this, she did not.

"Please," she had said to him. And she wasn't asking for her life. She was asking him to choose the Light.

And he was frightened because he'd done it for her. He'd killed Snoke for her. He was the Supreme Leader now because of her.

He could have said so many things. He should have told her it was because she was a foolish girl who cared too much about the Light. He should have told her it was because he wanted power. Instead, he was honest. "I don't know," he said softly, almost hoping she wouldn't hear him. He knew she could feel how afraid he was of her and how confused he was, but he didn't know how to hide it. He was disgusting. He was weak.

He was alone.

She pulled the blanket closer around her and nodded. "Luke is dead. But not at your hands."

"I know," he growled. He wished he'd killed Luke. Maybe then he wouldn't still feel this conflict. He should be resolved now. And sometimes he was. But then when the bond awoke and he felt Rey, he remembered he'd saved her. "It doesn't matter."

"Why didn't you come with me?" she said, even softer, and he stood, suddenly furious.

"Shut up." He threw the words at her. He didn't want to think about why. He had finally embraced the Dark Side, hadn't he? This was what he wanted, so why think about what had made him do it?

Rey seemed to give up, because with a sigh she turned away from him and laid down to sleep again. Kylo glared at her, then slowly let out a long breath and laid back down too. Through the bond, he sensed Rey's tiredness and frustration with him, but also a warm glow of peace like nothing he'd ever experienced. He closed his eyes and, guiltily, let that peace seep into his cold bones as their connection faded and he was left alone in his bed again.

This time, when he fell asleep, there wasn't any red.

* * *

 **A/N: Short chapter. Idk guys, I ship Kylo Ren with redemption/happiness. And Rey with happiness too.**

 **My thing with these conversations is that they're more honest with each other because they're so intimately aware of each other's emotions but can't actually read their thoughts.**


	3. Chapter 3: Conflict

_Trigger Warning: Self harm_

3\. Conflict

The Rebels had been getting a surprisingly steady influx of willing volunteers – apparently, word of Luke's battle with Kylo and Rey's power had spread. Hope was, as ever, infectious.

They had her talking to all kinds of people, trying to get them to help bolster the efforts of the Resistance. She was in the middle of one such conversation over hologram when the bond interfered again.

"Damn it! Not now!" she hissed, spinning around to glare at Kylo.

"It isn't my fault!" he said, and Rey stopped, suddenly wanting to laugh. He was wearing a set of flowing black robes, his hair neatly combed, his brown eyes unusually flecked with yellow.

"What are you wearing?" she asked, despite herself. She didn't have time for this, but maybe Kylo Ren in ridiculous robes was worth the interruption.

He flushed and glared at her. "Look, I don't want to do this either, so can you not? You don't exactly look like yourself, anyway."

She made a face at him. She was wearing an actual dress for once, one Leia loaned her. A white one that was tight and stiff and angular, one that seemed made to imply leadership and control. It made her feel a little trapped, but Leia and Finn both swore up and down it looked amazing on her.

"Is there a way we can get out of this? Because I'm kind of busy."

"Yeah, well, me too," he snapped. "But I don't have any control over it. I guess… You could try shooting me again?" He didn't sound thrilled with that plan.

Rey couldn't shoot him; she was in a room full of people. But she also didn't want to. She should be angry with him for his choice, but she found she could only be sad. That was the curse of understanding him, she realized: she couldn't hate him. "I can't. Kind of busy, like I said."

She started walking, knowing she'd have to move out of the way so Leia could take over the conversation for her. She sat down in a corner and refocused on Kylo.

"Why are you dressed like that, anyway?"

He looked away, refusing to answer, but she felt how embarrassed he was. This, she decided, was kind of fun.

"Are you trying to channel the Emperor, maybe?"

Kylo snapped his eyes back to meet hers and glared at her, and she was jarred into silence by the look on his face. Disgust. Anger. "No," he said lowly. "I'm beyond that now. I'm beyond him."

"Really?" Rey tried to sit up straight, tried to imitate the face Leia made when she wasn't at all impressed. "For someone who talks so much about leaving the past behind, Ben, you're following a very old pattern."

He started pacing, arms tucked tight over his chest. He felt darker than he had in their more recent conversations, and she tried to pay more attention to his emotions and figure out why.

"What's going on?" she finally asked.

He laughed, humorless, and she realized that he was both calmer and more violent than she had seen him before. "You think I'm just going to tell you. Did you forget we were enemies, Rey?"

"No, I just..." She fell silent, admitting to herself that it had been a stupid thing to ask.

"What about you?" he asked her, turning and meeting her eyes. Although she knew he couldn't read her mind, she felt an urge to look away and had to make an effort not to. "Why are you wearing that dress? It's General Organa's."

She stood and took a few steps toward him. "She let me wear it. It's better for important occasions."

He looked her up and down, and she recoiled at the way disdain and attraction mingled on his side of the bond. Something had happened, or was happening, and right now he was more dangerous to her than ever before.

She still wasn't afraid.

Then he turned so he wasn't facing her, and said, "The clothes are meant to send a message. If I'm to be a leader, I can't dress like a foot soldier."

"Well, you look like a bat," Rey said, a grin forcing its way onto her face. She wasn't sure if that was the wrong thing to say until, to her surprise, Kylo turned back around, radiating amusement. He still looked dangerous, but he was also smiling a little.

"I don't know why I thought you'd take that seriously."

"I don't either," she said.

He shook his head at her, and she couldn't help but smile at him. He reminded her of his father for a moment.

He seemed about to laugh, then he shook his head like he was trying to rid himself of something and drew his saber, looking angry. He ignited it, and Rey stepped back, trying not to look afraid. She knew he technically couldn't do lasting damage, but this was going to hurt. It would end their connection, sure, but-

Kylo pressed the crossguard of the saber to his own forearm. Rey felt it too, a searing heat, and as the connection snapped, she heard Kylo scream.

"Ben!" she shouted, and then froze. Leia spared her a glance, and it was a frightened one. Then she continued her conversation with the foreign diplomat Rey was supposed to be talking to. Rey glanced around, embarrassed, then went to run out of the room. Poe grabbed her arm and stopped her.

"Wait, Rey."

She glared at him, but she wasn't really angry. She liked him, and she could tell he felt bad. "I'm supposed to make sure you stay and talk to General Organa once she's done."

Rey nodded nervously. Leia almost certainly knew what had been going on, or had some idea, and Rey didn't want to talk about her connection with Kylo Ren. No one would understand. They'd think she could give away rebel secrets, but that just wasn't how it worked.

She sat down to wait. Her forearm still throbbed, but there wasn't a single mark on her skin. She wanted to yell at Kylo for doing that to himself, but she'd have to wait till the next time they were connected.

"Is everything okay with you?" Poe asked her quietly, lounging against the small table next to her chair. "That was weird. Is it a normal Jedi thing to space out like that?"

"Um, I don't think so," she admitted.

"You should get that sorted," Poe said, grinning. "It's kinda weird."

She smiled wryly. "You have no idea."

He raised his eyebrows at her, but didn't say anything else.

It wasn't too long before Leia bowed slightly and the hologram of the diplomat disappeared. Then the general turned and gave Rey a piercing look. "Rey, I'd like to speak to you, please."

Everyone quietly filed out of the room, except Poe. He and Leia seemed to have some kind of understanding, because instead of leaving, he came and leaned on the conference table, palms down.

Leia gestured toward a pair of chairs, and Rey sat down. Leia sat too, sitting up straight and regal and folding her hands in her lap. She was every inch the legend Rey had always imagined, and yet wonderfully real, too. "My son was here, somehow," she said, matter-of-factly. "I felt him. What happened?"

Rey looked down. She hadn't wanted to tell anyone about the bond between her and Kylo, least of all his mother. "Snoke created some kind of… link between us," she said quietly. Somehow, she didn't want to look at Poe. She knew what Kylo had done to him, and it felt a little like betraying what little trust she and Poe had for each other to say that. "Back on the island with Luke, we started seeing each other, connecting with each other's feelings. We didn't know why, only that neither of us were doing it. We… talked. And then I thought… Snoke made me see him turning to the Light. So I went to talk to him, to try to turn him. He thought he'd seen me turn to the Dark. It turned out Snoke had just been playing us both, but now that he's dead… the connection is still there. We can't control when it happens."

"Did he see us? Did he see what we were talking about?" Poe asked urgently, walking around to stand closer to them.

"No. We can never see anything but each other."

Leia leaned forward. "Is he okay?"

Rey sighed. "I don't think so. Sometimes… sometimes it's like he wants to talk to me and wants to be honest, but he's really angry. Something was wrong this time, I don't know what. He burnt himself to stop the connection." She rubbed her forearm instinctively. The pain was gone, but she still felt as if she should have a wound.

"So you can't read each other's minds, either?" Poe asked.

"No."

"That's good. You can't give anything away, then."

"No."

"You screamed," Leia said quietly.

"I told you, he burnt himself. I felt it. And… and I didn't want him to."

Poe made a face and grumbled, "He deserved it, the bastard. No offense, General."

"None taken, Commander. Although he isn't a bastard," she said, a twinkle in her eye. "A completely legitimate child, unfortunately."

Rey smiled a little.

"Will you please keep me updated on any further conversations with Kylo, Rey?" Leia said seriously. "I understand they may feel private to you, but I need to know if there are any hints about what he's doing. My intelligence tells me he's assumed leadership of the First Order."

Rey sighed. Their conversations _were_ private, mostly because they were so intimately reliant on their emotions and what they understood about each other, but at the very least, Leia deserved to know what her son was doing. "Of course, General. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"Trust me, Rey, I understand." Leia stood, signaling the end of the discussion, and put a hand on her shoulder. "If this ever becomes too much of a burden for you, you're welcome to come talk to me."

She left, leaving Rey alone with Poe, who cocked his head to the side and said, "Well, aren't you lucky."

"Oh, I know," she said wryly. "I've got an angry Sith Lord in my head half the time."

"Better you than me," he said, then, "Don't worry, I know I can still trust you. You're not going to go dark; that would be really stupid of you. And you aren't stupid." He grinned and went to leave too. "Tell Kylo from me he can stick his stupid lightsaber up his ass!"

Rey snorted, smiling. Although that conversation had gone considerably better than she'd expected, she still felt unsettled. She rubbed her arm again and decided to go back to her bunk.

* * *

 **A/N: I feel a little uncertain about this chapter? The problem with their connection is that it can happen at any time. I'm operating under the assumption that their conversation is mostly silent and mental, although how they move in the real world comes through in the bond. I'm not sure - Rian filmed those scenes in a wonderful, artistic way, but it makes it hard to know what was really going on. Anyway, I wasn't sure I wanted Leia to know about the bond yet but I decided I might as well get that done with.**

 **Thank you guys so much for all the love!**


	4. Chapter 4: Rhythm

4\. Rhythm

Kylo wasn't really sure what to do anymore. The First Order was clinging together by a thread, only the officers' fear of him keeping them all obedient. He couldn't lead without Hux – he was not a strategist, and had never been – but the general was creating a lot of… problems.

Kylo was trying to be a proper leader, but he didn't know how. And this wasn't what he'd really wanted, either. He wanted to be powerful and he wanted to be what Snoke had told him for years he could be, but this didn't feel as good as it should. Especially with the way they all looked at him, not even bothering to hide their disgust. Even here, he was hated.

That was fine with him. He didn't need anyone. He'd always been alright on his own.

His saber injury had healed, although it had scarred, as lightsaber wounds always did. He'd been in the middle of a heated discussion with Hux when he'd last spoken with Rey, and when the connection began he'd rushed out of the room as fast as he could. That didn't stop Hux from coming after him just in time to see him with the saber. So now, in addition to everyone hating him, there were rumors spreading of insanity, of ancient Sith rituals, of something more Dark than any of them were used to.

Hux only believed in the Force because Snoke had taught him to, and most of the First Order seemed to agree that it was something to be feared and placated. The latest rumors weren't helping that any. Kylo felt like he was just barely controlling a wild beast and if he made one move wrong, it would toss him aside like so much space junk.

He was practicing forms with his lightsaber when the bond awoke again. He tried to ignore it, putting more energy into the forms, but she was there, her mind quietly pressing against his, and he could feel she was angry at him but still so agonizingly calm. How was she always like this?

"I don't want to talk," he said shortly, sweeping the lightsaber deliberately down and behind him.

Something smacked him hard in the hand, and he turned as Rey pushed her staff against his grip on the saber. He tried to back up and resume his form, but she advanced on him and smacked his arm down with the staff. "Too bad, Ben, because we're going to talk."

He summoned enough anger to lash out at her with the saber, but she danced out of the way, and with a neat twist and a step towards him, broke his grip on the weapon and sent it clattering to the ground. "Would you just leave me alone? Nothing is making you talk to me," he hissed, pushing her back. It felt strange, because he knew she wasn't there and yet he felt her shoulders, felt her take two steps away and rest her staff against her shoulder.

"You complete idiot," she told him, and he laughed, hardly able to believe this was happening, that she was calling him an idiot like this was a normal conversation, like she didn't hate him and he didn't hate her.

"What have I done now? Are you still disappointed I haven't come running back to you? You're being a little pathetic."

"Oh, I'm the pathetic one? What's it like being so determined not to be happy that you burn your own arm to avoid talking to me?"

So she was worried about that. How absolutely typical. "Did it make you uncomfortable, you and your precious Jedi morals?" he snarled. He wasn't sure exactly why he was angry, but the way she was looking at him made him feel like he'd done something reprehensible. "Because believe it or not, my decisions don't rely on whether they'll make you uncomfortable."

She shook her head at him and he felt a surge of frustration and pain from her. "It isn't that. It's just... I told you, you're on a self-destructive path and I want to help you stop following it before you're lost completely."

"I already am." He growled the words, as if that would convince either of them.

She suddenly reached out, grabbed his arm, and pushed up the sleeve of his tunic. He shuddered at her touch but didn't pull away because the sudden, warm wave of compassion that swept over him felt wonderful.

"Ben..." she said chidingly, and he scowled and yanked his arm away. There was too much vulnerability with her.

"It doesn't matter," he said.

"No, of course it doesn't."

He picked his lightsaber up off the floor and ignited it again to start his forms again. He couldn't talk to her.

He heard her sigh and then heard her settle into a stance; when he looked at her again, she was doing forms with her staff, and watching her, he recognized why she fought the way she did with her lightsaber.

So there they were, a pair of unfortunately connected idiots, practicing their forms like they weren't on complete opposite sides of an intergalactic war. A selfish part of Kylo wanted to let himself be someone else with her, wanted to pretend that he could just talk to her and it wouldn't change anything.

The dangerous thing was, it would. When he spoke to her, he was weak. Somehow, she never was. Except when they talked about her parents.

He didn't want to think about how fighting with her felt as natural as breathing, how when they faced each other it felt like comfort, how when she didn't even flinch when his saber nearly clipped her shoulder he felt like she trusted him, how when she grinned at him when his foot slipped on the floor he didn't feel mocked. He didn't want to think about how when they drew close and met each other's eyes she felt… she felt like she cared, like she understood. Like something irreversible would happen if he just… let go.

He didn't want to think about how she wasn't even there and when this ended, he'd just be alone again.

And yet when it did end and the soft ebb and flow of her feelings was gone from the back of his mind, he was relieved, because there'd been something intoxicating in the focus of the forms and the shape of her arms and the rhythm of her breathing that he was too scared to analyze.

* * *

 **A/N: Ahhh Kylo. That boi is hurting I tell you.**

 **We're going to go into Rey's headspace a bit more next chapter, because while she's obviously a very strong person and a very kind person, she's still working out some of her own struggles. I'm a little worried I'll fail to show her journey as well as I'd like, because I have a little trouble understanding exactly what her point of conflict is.**

 **I feel like a great Reylo song is "Tightrope" from the new movie "The Greatest Showman." Go look it up.**

 **Please keep reviewing, y'all are the best!**


	5. Chapter 5: Rain

5\. Rain

"Come back! Please, come back!" Rey strained to run after her parents, but Unkar just started dragging her away. "No! No, let me go!" The sand weighed down her legs, and she wanted to collapse onto the ground and cry.

But then the desert washed away and it was cloudy and raining, and the stone felt slick under her feet. She'd never felt the rain before and it was the most wonderful thing, to have all the water she needed. She tilted her head back and tried to ignore her feelings of loss as the rain pelted her.

Something shifted, and she wasn't sure what it was until someone stood on the rock beside her in the rain. Kylo, in his nightshirt, shivering. "What is this?" He took in their surroundings, confused. "Is this real?"

"I'm... I think I'm dreaming," Rey said, jarred into a sense of awareness.

"Oh." He looked around with a little more interest. "Nightmare?"

She squinted at him through the rain. He looked chilly and miserable, but she relished the feel of the rain on her face. "I love it here," she said quietly. "It's so much better than Jakku."

He glanced at her. "It's the island, isn't it?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yes."

The sea spray crashed up into their faces, and although the salt stung her eyes, Rey smiled. She could almost forget about the first part of her dream.

"You feel lonely," Kylo said, quietly. It felt almost nice, standing here with him in the rain. He was shivering uncontrollably, but she didn't want to presume to put her arm around him.

"My parents abandoned me, and they're probably dead," she told him. "I can't stop dreaming about it."

His emotions were more noticeable right now, maybe because this was a dream. He didn't feel angry or dark, just weary and sad. And cold. She took a chance and slipped her fingers into his hand, which was icy.

He flinched, but he didn't let go – if anything, he shifted closer to her.

"Doesn't it hurt?" he asked her, so soft the sound of the sea almost drowned it out.

She hesitated. "I… I still haven't thought about it," she admitted. "I don't know how."

He actually squeezed her hand, and she looked at him in his thin, soaking shirt, his hair slicked back and away from his face. She realized that now, in the middle of the night, when they were meant to be asleep, he was more willing to be vulnerable than he would usually be.

"You should," he told her.

"Why?" she said, chuckling a little. "So I join you on the Dark Side?"

"Would you?" He raised an eyebrow at her, indicating he knew the answer.

"Probably not." She wrapped her poncho tighter around her shoulders and traced a line in the rock with her foot. "I just… I've spent my whole life avoiding it. I don't know how to stop."

Kylo let go of her hand, which surprised her, but then he sat down cross-legged and she followed suit. They joined hands again by unspoken agreement. It wouldn't really help Kylo stay warm, but it was all he'd allow her to do. He sighed, picking up a pebble from next to him and turning it in his fingers. "You can't let go of the past if you don't take the time to accept it for what it was."

"You're one to talk," she said wearily. "You've got a festering wound, Ben, and all you're doing is hanging onto the pain."

He shifted, looking away. "I'm not really a big fan of the 'forgive and forget' method."

"I noticed."

He glanced at her. "I wish you had come with me," he said. "We could have left it all behind."

"I couldn't leave my friends to die."

He felt a touch angry, but also a little envious. Mostly weary. "I don't understand."

"I know."

The rain had fully soaked through their clothes by now, but it had become warmer and softer, and the waves didn't crash so much against the rocks. Kylo was still shivering, though, so Rey took a risk and let go of his hand, slipping that arm around his waist instead.

He went insanely stiff, like a dead man, but she didn't let go. She needed the comfort even more than he needed the warmth, she thought.

"I… We shouldn't do this," he said lowly, voice shaking just a little. But he felt as lonely as she had, so she thought that maybe for once they could just be here. Maybe since it was a dream that meant they weren't compromising anything.

"I'm afraid," she whispered. "I don't know who I'm supposed to be."

He snorted, and surprised her: "Neither do I."

They didn't say anything else, just stayed like that until the connection and the dream faded back into the darkness of sleep.

* * *

 **A/N: ****Kylo's gonna be very mad at himself next chapter. That one may be from Rey's POV too. Dunno. For the record, I don't normally post this fast, although I'll try not to let this one fall by the wayside. I'm a busy person, friends.**

 **Keep the reviews coming!**


	6. Chapter 6: Lost

6\. Lost

It was so long before it happened again that Rey almost thought the bond was gone, or that Kylo had found a way to control it. But then one day, in the middle of dinner in the mess hall with Finn and Poe (it was really a chore to get Finn away from Rose - she was slow to recover and he felt responsible for her injuries), the familiar quiet came over her and she saw Kylo seated motionless on the floor. He completely ignored her, or seemed to. She wanted to back away because there was hatred and anger burning like an explosion, like his unstable saber, and she knew if she got too close she'd burn herself.

How he was able to ignore the connection so effectively, she wasn't sure, but he didn't move and didn't speak, even when she got up from her seat and moved around him so she could see his face. If she didn't know better, she would say he was meditating.

"This is a little passive aggressive, isn't it?" she asked. Somehow, she was disappointed. It wasn't like she really expected him to keep talking to her after last time, but this was a bit much.

He closed his eyes but otherwise didn't react. She scowled and crossed her arms, glaring at him. "Honestly, Ben, this is stupid."

He glanced at her, then with a grimace reached for his lightsaber. Rey acted on instinct - she didn't want to see him burn himself again and she didn't much want to feel it either. She smacked his hand out of the way, grabbed the saber, and tucked it into her belt.

"Give that back," he snarled, pushing himself to his feet, and Rey steeled herself, meeting his eyes defiantly.

"Or what? Come on, Ben, or what? I don't fancy you hurting yourself again - it hurts me too."

He glared down at her, lip curled in half a sneer, but he didn't actually seem to know what to do. His anger pulsed red and deadly, but it didn't have anywhere to go. That was dangerous, but Rey understood anger. She'd forced him into a choice: either he followed through with an unspoken threat or he didn't. And which he chose would be very telling.

She wondered if he knew that.

"I said, give it back," he said, lower, softer.

Rey suddenly wanted to laugh. He was looming over her like an oncoming storm, but she held all the power - she was the master of herself, but he was an emotional mess.

"I said no," she said archly, coolly. "We're stuck with this bond and I won't have you mutilating yourself every time it happens just so you don't have to deal with your feelings."

He practically growled at her but turned and stalked away, standing a short distance from her and staring out at something she couldn't see. He looked hard, but brittle, like glass.

She followed him a little. She was disappointed and she was angry, and she wasn't sure what she wanted to communicate to him but it hurt, somehow, that he was doing this. "Why is it so important to you to be cut off from everyone?" she asked. She didn't understand that about him. They'd shared a lot through the bond, and when Snoke told them he'd created it, Rey had feared that maybe none of it was real. Now she knew it was, and yet something was still different.

"Not everyone," he said. "Just you." His emotions were tumbling over each other in a mess but she thought she sensed regret under it all.

"Why? You weren't before."

He shook his head, laughing a little. "I was weak before."

Rey frowned. "You told me I wasn't alone."

"Yes, and that got you to come, didn't it? Are you really this stupid? It was all just a trick," he said bitterly. But something about his feelings tipped Rey off, something she didn't expect, and she carefully walked around to stand next to him, staring at his stony face.

"No, it wasn't," she said, feeling certain. "Snoke surprised you just as much as me. We both thought the bond was just ours."

He snorted disdainfully, but his emotions told her something else.

"Is that what changed? You thought I didn't really care? That we were both just manipulating each other and Snoke had made it all seem real?"

"What does it matter?" he asked her, turning. He shook his head. "You care more about some antiquated idea of goodness than you do about…" He stopped. "About people."

"And you care more about getting to feel justified for hating everyone than you do about being happy," she snapped. "You could have come with me."

"Oh yes, and been locked up and eventually executed for my crimes again the Resistance. What a wonderful future that would have been for me."

"And what, I'm expected to go with you, leave behind everything I care about and believe in just because you beckon? I was as scared as you were that it was all a trick. I thought you'd been lying to me. I care about you, Ben, but not enough to let my friends die, especially when I thought you didn't really care about me. And not enough to go with you to fight for something I hate."

"Hate?" He laughed humorlessly. "Isn't that a dirty word? You can't claim some moral superiority and then not even keep the tenants of your own code."

"I… I don't know," Rey said. She hated to admit it, but she did anyway, looking down. "I don't understand the code."

He laughed at her, disbelieving. "You're following something you don't understand? Don't you see how ridiculous that is?"

"I… It doesn't make sense. I don't know how to not have emotions. But… it seems better than what you're doing."

"Does it?" he hissed. "When it made my own uncle want to kill me?"

She flinched. She didn't want to think about that. Luke Skywalker had been one of her heroes as a child. The Light side of the Force was supposed to be right. That was what she'd always learned. "I don't know. I just… The Jedi seem to have caused less pain to the rest of the galaxy than the Sith Order."

"Nice way of looking at things." He was looking at her as if she'd let him down somehow. "Let me know how it works out for you."

"Clearly better than your mindset is working out for you," she said snarkily.

He didn't respond, which she figured was wise of him because she was fully prepared to tell him how stupid it was that he was clinging to an ideology that made it seem reasonable to him to hurt himself and cut himself off from people and wallow in misery just to get a little more power than everyone else.

She sighed and wrapped her arms around herself. She'd confided in him, and he in her, and he acted as if that was something to be ashamed of. That hurt. And it hurt that he'd called her nothing, and it hurt that he wouldn't just be honest with her.

And she was still a little afraid that everything he'd said to her was a lie, and he didn't care about her, and he only kept talking to her to try to exploit her weaknesses. But she realized now that he might be afraid of the same thing, for all that he tried to seem like he didn't care.

"I want my saber back," he said, after a few minutes. "I think if you have it when the connection ends, it'll stay with you."

"Oh." She held it out to him, but when he wrapped his hand around the hilt next to hers, she didn't let go. He glared at her.

"Would you just stop?"

"You have to promise you're not going to stab yourself or something."

"Why?" Kylo suddenly turned to face her directly, stepping in closer to her. His eyes were intense, fixed on her, and she realized this was important to him for some reason. "Why does that matter to you?"

She thought about saying it was because it hurt her too, but that wasn't the main reason and she knew it. She met his eyes and took a step towards him herself. She tried to push all the sincerity she could manage into what she said. "Because I don't want to see you in pain."

His eyes flicked across her face, burning brown with those stray flecks of yellow. "I don't want to see you in pain, either." It felt honest – in fact, it felt, somehow, like the promise she wanted. She let go of the saber and he turned away quickly.

"Ben-" she began, but she saw him shift away and realized that she'd pushed him as far as she could today. She had so much she wanted to say, and ask, but instead she walked a little ways away and sat down cross-legged to meditate until she became aware of Finn and Poe standing on either side of her. She stood up, shakily, embarrassed. The cafeteria was still buzzing, but people were looking at her.

"Rey? Rey, are you okay?" Finn whispered urgently. "Stupid Poe here would tell me anything except that you were fine."

"Well, he was right, I am," Rey said, rubbing her face.

"I think we better go talk to General Organa." Poe waved a hand at Finn as he started to say something else. "That was a long time."

Rey nodded. "Don't worry, Finn, I'll explain," she said, because her friend looked like he was going to explode with frustration.

"You better," he grumbled as they started out of the cafeteria. "I worry about you enough as it is."

Rey couldn't help but smile – it was still such a novel thing, having Finn say things like that so casually. Having someone care about her without being ashamed.

"Thanks, Finn."

"For what?" he asked.

She just chuckled. "For being you."

* * *

 **A/N: So I actually posted this chapter earlier and I've reposted because I had a big realization about Rey's character and where she has to go in her arc and wow. I'm a Christian, so I can tend to have a more black and white view of morality than most people, and because of that lens I've obviously been assuming that in the Star Wars universe, Light is Good and Dark is Bad. But I juat figured out that isn't really the case with the Force, but Rey, too, thinks it is.**

 **So I finally know what Rey's point of conflict is and I'm so thrilled! I can actually write her better now! Sorry for the mini-meta.**

 **I ended this chapter with Poe and Finn because I kind of wanted to show how she has this great support system and friends, so she's not really alone, while Kylo has made decisions that are cutting him off from everyone - even her, if he isn't careful.**

 **Seriously, I love how thoughtful and kind your reviews have been. Thank you all!**


	7. Chapter 7: Children

7\. Children

Kylo had taken to spending a lot of time alone in his quarters, because if he stopped attending properly to his surroundings due to the bond, someone would take advantage. The First Order hated him at this point, and he hated the First Order. He wasn't a good leader and he didn't really care if the Order survived – actually, he kind of hoped the regime would collapse without Snoke. He knew the officers could tell, and Hux was definitely planning something.

"You spend a lot of time by yourself these days, Supreme Leader," Hux had said to him a few days ago, his voice dripping with a deference he certainly did not feel. "If I didn't know better, I'd believe you didn't care what was going on in your own ranks."

Kylo had shot him a hateful glare, an empty threat that didn't really worry Hux anymore. "I hope you do know better."

"Oh, of course, of course," Hux purred. "But I think there are _some_ elements who worry that you aren't committed to the First Order's goals."

Kylo had been unable to come up with a suitable response that would both address the veiled threat and deter Hux from making any plays for power. Instead, he'd simply said, "I am committed."

Hux had nodded, as if Kylo had confirmed something to him, and Kylo was sure that now it was just a matter of time before Hux staged a coup. Part of him thought he should kill Hux, make an example of him, but part of him really didn't care enough about being Supreme Leader to try to hang onto the title. He'd never wanted this, but he wasn't sure what he did want. At this point, he just wanted to survive any attempts on his life.

He was sure Hux would try to be rid of him quietly, and failing that, would rouse the troops against him. No one would be loyal to him over Hux, that was just a fact. So Kylo started making plans of his own to escape the base, if he needed to. Where he'd go, he wasn't sure, but he knew there were plenty of systems where no one would recognize his face. He certainly wasn't going to the Resistance.

He was in the middle of tying up a bundle of clothes to stuff under his bunk when he felt Rey's mind brush his. He sighed. This was the last thing he needed, this bond. If only she'd come with him, maybe they'd both be alone and safe somewhere else and he wouldn't be in constant fear for his life.

"What are you doing?" she asked, immediately. She wasn't one for beating around the bush. Which made talking to her tricky.

"Does it matter?" he grumbled. "You ask too many questions, Rey."

"That's what people keep telling me," she said lightly. He glanced at her, lips quirking upward. She was sitting with one leg pulled up to her chest, the other dangling. She was barefoot.

"Do they," he grumbled, tossing his bundle of clothes under the bunk and turned around so he sat with his back against it.

"Not really." She grinned at him. Why she was always in such a good mood, Kylo didn't know, but she was, somehow. Today she just felt at peace and light and energetic. It was insufferable.

He snorted and shook his head. "I'm packing some things," he said sarcastically. "Thinking about a pleasure cruise."

"Ha ha." Rey swung her leg back and forth, raising an eyebrow at him.

Why was she like this? Kylo tried to glare at her, but there was something so frustratingly infectious about her attitude.

"You could just tell me," she said teasingly. "Obviously I know the mighty Kylo Ren isn't going on a pleasure cruise. I think if you did the universe would fall apart."

"Is this your attempt at getting information out of me?" Kylo said, again having to work not to smile. "Because I think you'll have to work on this skill a bit, if it is."

"No, just curious." She hopped down from her seat and sat down cross-legged in front of him. Something really had put her in a good mood. "Although I probably would tell your mom if I found out anything."

Kylo straightened, feeling oddly betrayed. "You talk to General Organa about this?"

Rey looked away, frowning. "Not… not really. But she made me promise to talk to her if I found out anything."

Kylo snorted, tossing up his hands. "Amazing."

"What, like if you found something out from me you wouldn't use that against me," she snapped.

He wanted to argue he wouldn't, but really the only reason he could say that was because he hated the First Order and didn't really give a damn whether they succeeded or not. And because he was probably about to be ousted by General Hux. He had to be fair: Rey cared about the Resistance and her friends – of course she'd tell them if he revealed anything about the First Order's plans.

Still, he was afraid she'd tell Leia other things. Private things, things he was ashamed enough of as it was. He didn't say anything, but he saw Rey's expression change and felt her emotions shift, and he knew she was going to respond to his unspoken worry and he didn't want her to.

And yet he did. He wanted her to tell him that this was private, that she wouldn't use what he said against him, because he cared about her too, too much.

"I don't tell anyone what you say," she said quietly. "Sometimes Leia asks how you're doing but I don't really say much. Just a minimum, because I think she deserves at least that."

Kylo nodded and tried not to feel glad that his mother asked about him. He believed Rey. Her honesty was tangible – he didn't think lying was in her nature.

"So why are you packing up clothes?" Rey asked, resting her chin on her hand. Kylo couldn't figure out what this conversation was meant to be. He thought that maybe Rey just wanted to talk – how long had it been since someone had just wanted to have a conversation with him?

"I don't know if I can explain," he said awkwardly.

"Okay." She didn't seem bothered by that, just changed tack. "What was it like, training with the other padawans?"

"Terrible," Kylo lied, surprised she even wanted to know. It hadn't really been, except for a few times. "They were cruel."

He knew she sensed his lie, because she raised an eyebrow at him. "Come on, Ben. It was always terrible?"

He sighed, shaking his head at her. "No, of course it wasn't always terrible."

"Then why tell me it was?"

"Because I don't want to talk about it."

She leaned forward, eyes alight with genuine interest and a little mischief. "Oh, come on. You've never wanted to tell anyone about your childhood?"

He glanced awkwardly to one side. "No."

"Liar," she said gleefully, actually reaching out with her foot and kicking his leg. "How about this: one story, and I'll leave you alone."

He laughed despite himself. "If it'll make you shut up." That was, of course, the only reason he was telling her anything.

It was worrying how fast he knew what he wanted to tell her. "I had this… hobby, I guess, when I started my training. I discovered it on my own, in the library. There was a huge library in the temple," he said, trying not to let the memories get to him.

Because they would. How often he'd wandered in the library even though the dust made his nose itch, how he'd carefully pried open leather-bound tomes and even, occasionally, scrolls. And one day he'd found a book that was all hand-written, with paintings and drawings. And another, and another – beautiful illuminated books that had been written in perfect flowing handwriting. Antiquated maybe, but fascinating.

"There were these books, written on paper, by hand, with ink," he said. "I don't know, I guess I thought that was… nice. So I tried writing like that." He smiled a little wryly. He'd been terrible at it at first, but still he wrote his parents letters. He'd been too young at the time to know his father didn't care and his mother hardly had time to read fancifully written pages about his training. "I got really good at it. I had journals full of notes. I diagramed out every form Luke taught me, I wrote about the plants he talked about, the history. I wrote about the properties of Kyber crystals. It felt good. Luke said if I kept it up I'd have to start putting them in the Jedi library with the other books."

How proud he'd been. Luke had ruffled his hair and smiled at him like he was important.

"When I was fifteen, I had dozens and dozens of them in my room. Most of the other students thought it was a little strange, but no one… no one was unkind. Until one day a few of my friends told me it was childish to write like that." He remembered how it had stung, those friends who he'd trusted (a few of whom he'd told about Snoke) making fun of his project. "They tore most of the pages out of the book I had with me. I was so angry because I'd bound it myself, but I remembered what Luke always said and I picked up the pages and went back to my room to meditate so I wouldn't let the Dark side in."

How he'd resented the Jedi code that day, and resented Luke, who told him to rise above the mistreatment. He'd hidden the rest of his journals and, sheepishly, written a letter to his mother. He'd stopped writing letters to Han not long after he turned ten. By then he'd learned that Han didn't care about his letters, but his mother… sometimes she wrote back.

"Luke said he'd talk to them, but that was all he did. Talked. Snoke told me-" Kylo stopped. He was angry again, and his voice was shaking. He didn't want to talk about Snoke.

Rey felt soft, felt sad, felt like she understood. She held out her hand, but Kylo didn't want to take it. He wasn't sure he wanted to be that vulnerable with her anymore. He couldn't be. "What did he tell you?" she asked.

"Just… the truth. That Luke didn't really care about what happened. That no one ever would." He smiled bitterly at her. "It was just a stupid book, but it mattered to me at the time. And Luke didn't even do anything."

Rey looked down, and he knew she wanted to disagree, wanted to defend Luke, as he'd once done. He didn't give her a chance.

"I saw it myself, eventually. Luke just wanted to rebirth his precious Jedi – I was useful, until I wasn't anymore."

"That isn't true!" Rey said, and there she was, defiant and fiery and so sure of herself. "What he did was wrong, but he loved you."

Kylo shook his head, feeling weary. He was tired of this with her. "He loved my power, Rey. That's how it will always be, for me, for you. The second I was a threat to him he tried to kill me."

"He wasn't going to."

"Oh, of course he told you that," he hissed.

She didn't have a response, and he sighed and slumped a bit. "I destroyed my journals and my calligraphy set when I destroyed the temple. And the library burned, too.

"Oh Ben," Rey said softly, her eyes so sorrowful and full of compassion.

Kylo's throat closed, suddenly, and he froze. This, this was not good. There was a reason he didn't think about Ben Solo. He felt, profoundly, something like loss over a bunch of kriffing notebooks. He tried desperately to rein his feelings in before Rey could sense them, but she had, and she shifted onto her knees and scooted closer to him. He hated how she was looking at him.

But he wanted this, too, because she treated him so unlike everyone else did, even when she was angry at him. So he sat, frozen with indecision, and let her touch his hand (carefully, like he might run), and say, "I'm sorry, Ben."

What she was even sorry about, he wasn't sure, but he nodded a little in acknowledgement. He was terrified at how tight his throat was and terrified he might actually break down in front of her.

"You said you'd leave me alone, if I told you," he croaked, forcing the words past the lump in his throat.

"I did," she said, smiling sadly. She backed up again and sat down, arms wrapped around her legs. They were silent for maybe ten minutes before she said, "I'm sorry you lost the books."

"It doesn't matter," he sighed.

"It did to you." She smiled at him, head tilted to one side. "I know what that's like, you know."

He felt hints of loneliness from her, and knew she was remembering something. He leaned forward, pushing his own feelings deep down and focusing on hers. "Tell me something about your childhood."

"I didn't have much of one," she said, chuckling quietly. "But I remember finding and collecting scraps of cloth. I don't know why, originally I thought they were pretty, I guess. I kept them in my… my house." She smiled. "My house was an old AT-AT."

Kylo smiled a little. He'd seen that in her mind, what felt like ages ago.

"When I was eleven, I think, I was collecting scrap and came across the skeleton of a Rebel pilot. I tore off part of his uniform – I know that sounds morbid, but it seemed like the best thing to do at the time. I didn't really see bright colors often. I went home and twisted some of my best scraps into a doll and dressed it up as a pilot. I used to play that he was stranded there like me, and had to fix his ship to leave. I called him Bodhi." She shook her head. "In my games, whenever he left, he found a little girl and took her with him. Or sometimes he was her father, or knew who her parents were." Rey smiled at him, her eyes and mind full of soft sorrow. "That doll's still back on Jakku, for all I know."

Kylo met her eyes, the eyes of a lonely girl who'd grown into a woman who could resist Snoke's torture, who could hold out her hand to someone she hated because she thought she could save them, the first of a new generation of Jedi. His opposite, in so many ways, and yet she knew what it was like to be alone. "You kept it."

"I was lonely," she said simply. "And I had little enough that was mine."

He looked down. Sometimes he just couldn't understand her. He didn't know how to respond to her story, so he mimicked what she'd said. "I'm sorry."

She laughed a little, and he looked up at her. She shook her head at him, as if amused. "Thank you."

He couldn't understand why she seemed amused, but he felt as if she felt loss too. But not for the doll, or Jakku. For something else.

Maybe the dream? The dream of someone saving her, of someone telling her she had parents who loved her?

He looked away because he felt as if she would know what he was thinking. He wanted to comfort her, but he couldn't. He didn't know what to say to her. It was his fault that dream was lost.

But she had to recognize the truth. He knew that much. She had to accept it or she'd always be looking.

"People let you down," he told her, quietly. "It just happens. It's better not to hold onto things."

"They don't always," she answered.

They did in his experience. One day, she'd see that too.

* * *

 **A/N: Good grief, this chapter got away from me. I thought hey, let's just have them talk casually about something, but there is not a casual topic for these two. I'm not totally satisfied with the beginning but oh well. It took me longer to finish this than I wanted because I had to edit more than usual and then it ended up being way longer than I expected and anyway. Here you guys go!**

 **Fun fact: it is actually canon that Ben Solo used to do calligraphy. What a nerd. My heart.**

 **Once again, thank you for all the kind comments. It means a lot. :)**


	8. Chapter 8: Distance

8\. Distance

Rey stepped into red. One moment she was just walking down the hall with Rose, and the next Kylo's lightsaber nearly sliced into her stomach and she froze and felt the fear, thick and bitter, that she should not be here now.

Kylo was fighting for his life. She saw blaster bolts, saw Kylo's eyes blazing. There was an agonizing burning sensation in her hip and she tasted his desperation and fury.

He didn't spare her a glance, which she was glad of for his sake. She darted back out of the way of his saber and froze, helpless, watching. She wanted to help, but she couldn't even see where he was, what he was facing. It ached, just standing there immobile – and she couldn't even make a sound because the last thing she wanted to do was break his concentration. It occurred to her he might be fighting a platoon of Resistance soldiers, but couldn't find it in herself to care.

Kylo spun around in a shower of sparks and took off down the corridor – without even thinking, Rey ran after him. She had to know what happened to him, she had to keep him in sight, even though she knew she could do nothing for him. Her hip slowed her down and she realized that was his pain. He had to move faster, she felt that, so she latched onto the pain and pulled. Instantly she had to stop because her own pain doubled, but she felt Kylo's lessen and she smiled grimly. That, at least, she could do. He ran faster, and she started after him again, limping but determined to keep up.

He drew up short suddenly, terror slamming into her from him, and he raised his lightsaber, panting, exhausted. The focus it was taking him to ignore her and fight must be monumental. She stopped just behind him.

"I don't know how to help," she said, wishing she could see past him.

"You can't. It's fine," he said, grinning darkly. It wasn't fine, but Rey just focused on keeping his pain away and stepped out of the way of his saber. She considered praying, but what would she pray to?

Suddenly the weapon was a blur as blaster bolts streaked towards him. Rey felt one sear his shoulder, gasping in concert with him. She gritted her teeth and took that pain too. This time, she thought Kylo noticed, but he couldn't stop, couldn't look at her.

Then he started to move forward against the onslaught. She wanted to tell him to stop, but she just followed. Watched him block every shot of the blasters until they started coming from behind him, all around him and she screamed because she felt every time he was hit and he was going to die and she wouldn't be able to do _anything_.

But Kylo felt different now, felt determined. If he'd had a goal in this fight, he must be accomplishing it, because she felt him gain a sense of triumph, even as his movements started to falter and slow. She frantically pushed energy at him, a feeling of strength. _Please_.

She felt him shove outward with the Force so powerfully she felt the ripples of it, and he burst into a run. Just as he did, Rey felt the connection snap closed and she screamed. "Ben!" She felt her pain lessen and she knew as it did that he would feel the full weight of it crash into him. She stood panting in the hall, sweating, and, she realized, crying. She flinched when someone grabbed her arm, but it was just Rose.

"Rey? Are you okay?" Rose asked, anxiously. She knew about her connection with Kylo by now. "What happened?"

"I have to talk to Leia," Rey said fiercely. "I have to talk to Leia right now."

She ached all over but she took off running for the command center, and Rose ran after her. She knew this couldn't help Kylo but maybe Leia had answers, maybe they could call off the attack and save him.

Leia came out to meet her, looking worried, and grabbed her arms, which was good because Rey wanted to be moving, wanted to run more. "What happened? What is it?"

"He's dying," Rey said, knowing that may not be true but terrified that it was. "He's fighting someone and he's dying and I couldn't help, I couldn't… I couldn't do anything."

Leia pulled her straight into a hug and stroked her hair, and Rey wanted to scream at her because this was urgent, they had to do something- but instead she just started sobbing from the remnants of pain and fear.

"Slow down," Leia told her gently. "Start again."

"It looked like he was fighting a whole army," Rey said. "I took some of the pain but he's injured and I don't know if he got away. Is there a Resistance force somewhere? Another base? Has anyone said they're under attack? We need to stop them, we need to-"

"I haven't heard anything from anyone. You know as well as I do that we don't have enough fighters to send them all over the galaxy right now."

"Maybe it was his own troops," Rose suggested timidly. "I know that seems unlikely, but it makes more sense than if it were ours."

Rey pulled away from Leia and nodded. "Maybe. That might make sense – maybe they figured out he killed Snoke."

"It's possible." Leia sounded cautious, and Rey sensed a bit of her fear, although she looked as calm and commanding as she ever did. "A military coup in the First Order could be an opportunity, or it could just make everything harder for us. Thank you for telling me, Rey."

"Isn't there anything we can do?" Rey asked, although she knew the answer. She just hoped Leia would tell her something else.

The general smiled sadly at her. "I don't think so."

Rey nodded, and felt Rose take her hand. "I'm sure he's okay," Rose said to them both, and Rey was glad she did, because she couldn't forget the feeling of the blaster bolts slamming into Kylo's shoulder and back.

"You're right," she said to Rose firmly, because she didn't want Leia to have this to worry about. She tried to project certainty. "I'm sure he made it." Leia smiled at her tiredly, knowingly, and Rey dipped her head. "I'm going back to my bunk," she said, and escaped.

There was a deep ache in her muscles where Kylo had been shot, and she wanted to cry still because she was afraid for him and she had no way to find out whether he was alright. She went back to her bunk and sat down, clinging to her blankets, reaching out with the Force and wishing she could make the connection again. But there was no answering brush of Kylo's feelings against hers, and she sat there for hours waiting, until Finn and Rose came to distract her from her fears as best they could.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay so this plot point was very important to me and I'm glad I wrote it, but as ever I'm not confident in the fight scenes. Fight scenes are hard.**

 **Thank you guys for pointing out to me last chapter that Rey had lived in and AT-AT instead of an X-wing. I didn't actually check, so I didn't remember. Also, thanks for the review in general!**

 **Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9: Jakku

9\. Jakku

Hux's coup was swift, brutal, and nearly cost Kylo his life, despite his plans. Hux was smart – he knew even one Force user with a lightsaber could be deadly to his troops, so he surrounded Kylo with what seemed like three platoons of stormtroopers. If Kylo hadn't been expecting this, he would definitely have lost. As it was, he barely made it to the TIE fighter he was keeping his things in without being overrun.

Kylo had evaded the First Order fighters some time ago now, and set his destination coordinates in the TIE fighter systems. Now he sat in the cockpit, painstakingly peeling his clothes away from burning wounds. He wasn't sure what to do to take care of the injuries – he'd always had medical droids to help him recover. Now it was just him, and he didn't know what to do. He sighed and rubbed his face, trying to ignore the pain. If he was careful, the wounds shouldn't get infected – since blaster and saber injuries cauterized themselves, all he had to worry about was opening the wounds.

Rey had somehow blocked some of his pain. He wished she hadn't, although maybe he wouldn't have made it to the ship otherwise. He let himself think about it, about how scared she'd been. Scared for him. He didn't understand why she cared so much, but he realized she did. Why else would she help him like she had?

Maybe that was why he was going to Jakku.

He had told himself he was going so he could dump the TIE fighter for something less conspicuous, but he didn't have to pick the place where Rey used to live. And yet he did. He didn't overanalyze that yet, just accepted it.

He changed into the clothes he'd collected, and while he still didn't think he'd pass for normal, he at least wouldn't look like Kylo Ren. Which was the best he could do. He could imply he was a smuggler (he knew enough about the business) if asked about his injuries, and maybe that would be enough. Enough to get him far away from systems where the First Order could find him, far away from the Resistance.

When he arrived on Jakku, at Niima Outpost, he straightened his clothes, put his boots back on, and shoved his hair out of his face. He hated to leave behind his saber, but it was a dead giveaway. He'd retrieve it later, along with the rest of his things.

The hot desert air struck him like a fist as he stepped onto the sand, and he squinted against the blazing sun. He tried to seem purposeful, confident, sure of himself. An image of Han Solo rose unbidden to his mind, the way he used to saunter as if he didn't have a care in the world, as if no one could touch him. Kylo adopted that stride, although it was hard to pull off because he was limping and had to fight not grimace with each step.

He watched the people around him. Most of them were young men and women in loose, light-colored clothes like Rey's, all of them watching him with the same kind of wary ease. He fit in here, in a way – this was a place where the galaxy's rejects could come and go without questions asked.

Someone passed close to him, and he grabbed their arm. "Hey, who do I need to talk to about getting a ship?" he asked, finding himself also emulating Han's way of speaking: loose and careless.

They shook off his hand but gestured toward a cluster of decrepit stands and tents. "Unkar Plutt's the one to ask." They went on their way, and Kylo squared his shoulders and limped over that way.

Unkar Plutt was easy to spot. He looked like his name: huge, bulbous, and squint-eyed. He only had one arm, and he sat in a stand of sorts, eyeing everyone who passed as if he was calculating how much they were worth. Kylo decided to take a direct approach. He strode up to the stand, crossed his arms, and said, "I have a ship to sell."

"I saw," Unkar said, beady eyes flicking from him to his ship and back again. "A TIE fighter. Subtle."

"Yeah, no kidding. Interested?"

"I can offer you 15,000 credits."

Kylo was no expert, but he knew that that was vastly undervaluing the fighter, even though it was used. "It's worth a lot more than that," he said sharply. "Twenty-five thousand, at least."

Unkar laughed. "You give me a deal, boy, and you buy my silence as well. Here's a deal: I take that ship for 18,000 credits and a promise not to mention you to any First Order goons who come asking about you."

Kylo hesitated, then nodded. "Fair enough. Now do you have any freighters I can take?"

"I'm short on ships," Unkar said bluntly. "Had a great freighter stolen a while back, but I have one you could buy if you don't need space."

"Good shape?"

"Good enough to get you where you need to go. You can look it over, let me know. I'll want the whole eighteen thousand for it."

Kylo sighed. "I'll look at it. Just let me get my things from the fighter."

He went back and bundled his clothes and lightsaber into a pack, which he slung over his shoulder. He planned to go directly back to Unkar's stand, but there was a feeling in the Force he hadn't noticed before, like the pull of a compass.

He knew what it was even as he went to "investigate" it. It felt familiar and warm, and he knew the Force was leading him to Rey's old home.

The AT-AT was almost out of sight of the buildings of Niima Outpost, half-buried in the sand. An abandoned speeder sat outside, also half-buried. Kylo stopped outside and looked. This, this forsaken piece of junk, had been Rey's home for years. He was afraid to go in, but he somehow felt he had to, so he did.

As he ducked in the improvised entrance, he felt the remnants of Rey's presence like a soft touch on his skin. Although sand had begun covering everything, there was still a deep pink flower wilting on top of an improvised shelf. One wall was covered in silvery scratches – he realized they would have been made by Rey, counting the days. This felt so private, being here, and he ran his fingers lightly over the scratches.

He caught sight of the doll Rey had told him about sitting comfortably next to the flowers and, impulsively, picked it up. It felt worn and soft, and he suddenly knew he had to give it back to Rey.

He sat down on the pallet on the floor and looked around. He couldn't believe she'd spent her whole life here. The little signs of her presence – the flower, the packets of food, the scratches on the walls – made him feel strangely sad for her, alone here. Somehow she'd created a home out of this hunk of rusty metal.

He got up to leave, but before he did, he guiltily rummaged through her supplies. She had about ten packages of food, a dusty knife, and, to his relief, a set of bandages and some needles and thread. He took all of those things and stuffed them into his pack, then gently set the pilot doll on top of all of it.

Unkar appeared annoyed about the time it took him to come back, but Kylo offered no apology and Unkar didn't seem to expect one. Kylo was glad, as he looked over the freighter, that he'd spent time in the Falcon with Han as a child. He knew what to look for to let him know if the ship was actually junk, but from what he could tell it was in good shape.

"Fine, I'll take it," he said, emerging from the freighter. "But I want to pay fifteen thousand. This isn't nearly as good as that fighter I'm selling you."

"Sixteen thousand five hundred," Unkar said smugly. "And you can have it."

"Fine." Then Kylo, impulsively, stepped closer to Unkar and said, quietly, "There was a scavenger that used to live here. I think her name was Rey. Do you know what happened to her?" He didn't know why he was asking, except he hoped to hear something about her life before this whole mess.

Unkar spit to one side, wide face curling in a sneer. "Yeah, I know. The bitch was one of my best workers until stole my ship, cheated me out of a droid, and when I tried to bring her to justice her kriffing bodyguard tore off my arm. Hope you don't consider herself a friend of hers, or I might reconsider doing business with you."

Kylo met his eyes and for a moment imagined choking Unkar within an inch of his life, watching his beady eyes go dull. But he stopped himself, because he needed this _thing_ on his side and was willing to lie to him. Besides, if he had to guess, he'd say a certain Wookie had already dealt some justice of his own. Chewbacca had always had a flair for the dramatic. "Not exactly. She owes me money."

"Well, I hope you find her and make her pay," Unkar grumbled. And with that, he turned to go, stumping off back towards his stand. Kylo stared after him, quietly promising to come back someday and make him regret threatening Rey.

Then he sighed and got into the freighter. He wasn't totally sure where he was going next, only that he wanted to find somewhere in the Outer Rim to lay low.

 _And then what?_

He pushed that question down. One thing at a time. He'd get out of here first, bandage his wounds, and go from there.

He couldn't help but feel that there was nowhere else to go – really, what was the point? He was just going to be alone again.

Alone with just himself. And he wasn't sure he could do that.

* * *

 **A/N:** **I'm a cruel person guys - I could have given you this chapter last night and spared you the suspense, but honestly I just wanted to see you freak out. Kylo is, of course, okay - just very shot up. I hope you don't mind this whole chapter without a Force bond scene - I kind of wanted to just have him go to Rey's house and it just be a chapter for him.**

 **He's realized, at this point, that Rey cares way more about him than he'd even hoped - so that's going to be nice. No declarations of love though, sorry. :)**


	10. Chapter 10: Soft

10\. Soft

Rey was meditating, trying her hardest to attain some measure of peace, when a familiar tug in the Force alerted her to something she'd been afraid she might never feel again. Her eyes flew open and met his.

"Ben!"

He actually grinned at her before forcing his face into an expression of disinterested surprise. "Rey." But his emotions met hers, gratefulness and something wonderfully like happiness.

"Stars, Ben, I thought you were dead! What happened?"

"I'm offended," he snorted. "I had everything under control." He was wearing black pants, a tight grey shirt, and worn black boots. As a matter of fact, he looked more comfortable than she'd ever seen him, despite his injuries. She could feel them again – the ones in his hip and his shoulder, but also two wounds in his lower back and one in his left thigh.

"Liar," she said lightly, trying not to sound too shaken. He was alive, after all – that was enough.

He sighed and ran a hand through his messy hair. "Look, Rey... I... Thank you. For helping me." He winced and didn't seem to want to look at her.

"I didn't know what else to do," she explained.

"You shouldn't have, though," he said fiercely, holding up his hand. "That was reckless and you hurt yourself and I told you-"

"You could have died without me, Ben Solo!" Rey snapped. Unbelievable. Of course he couldn't just accept her help.

"Well," he shifted, and winced again, "Maybe. But I still wish you-"

"Oh, shut up," Rey said, and lunged forward and hugged him, instinctively not touching his injuries. He felt solid and warm and alive.

"Ow," he grumbled, and she felt he was embarrassed, but he put an arm around her instead of pushing her away. "If I didn't know better I'd say you were worried about me," he said, patting her shoulder awkwardly.

"I was! I told you, I thought you were dead."

Ben pulled back and stared at her. "I wouldn't have thought you'd care."

"That's not fair," she told him, a little stung. After everything, she expected he knew better than that. She felt he was sorry for saying it and didn't totally believe it. "What happened, anyway?"

"General Hux decided he didn't like my leadership style," Kylo growled. "And for that matter, neither did anyone else. So they decided it would be better for them if I was dead."

"Oh." Somehow, Rey was glad to hear that. Maybe if Kylo wasn't with the First Order anymore he'd come to them. To her. She scooted back and grinned at him. "I can't believe you're okay. Where are you?"

"I'm not telling you that," he said, smiling but dead serious. "I still don't need the Resistance paying me a visit – I'm having enough trouble avoiding the First Order."

Rey let that go. She figured it was too much to ask that he suddenly decided to rejoin the Resistance, and she supposed it was better for him to be off on his own than commanding the First Order. She was just relieved he was alive. She wanted to keep touching him somehow, feeling the need to be sure he was okay, but she thought she'd already pushed it by hugging him.

"Are your injuries healing okay?" she asked, instead.

"I don't know. They hurt, and I think if I'm not careful I could tear them open."

Rey nodded. "The best thing you can do is keep changing the bandages and take it as easy as possible. They're going to scar – there's nothing you can do about that right now. Drink as much water as you can."

"Thanks. I, um… There was something I wanted to…" Kylo rubbed the back of his neck and then got up, pacing a short distance away and rummaging through something. He came back and sat down, proffering a small, familiar object. Her homemade doll, a little sandy but still intact. She breathed in sharply and took it, running her fingers over the familiar folds of fabric.

"You found it?" she asked, although it was an obvious question. She hadn't missed her home before, and she still didn't, mostly, but the toy made her remember countless nights unable to sleep. Nights when she clung to her little pretend pilot as if it could protect her from the lonely sounds of the desert and from the fear that her parents did not want her.

"I went to your house," Kylo said, sounding careful. His thoughts were nervous, full of doubt, as if he worried she'd be angry at him. "I saw it and I thought… I thought maybe you'd want it back."

Rey, strangely, wanted to cry. Wanted to cry because he'd listened to her story and decided she'd want this silly little keepsake from her childhood. Because he'd cared about who she'd been before. "Thank you," she said softly, afraid to look at him. Her emotions were all mixed together in her stomach and she was afraid that if she met his eyes the feelings would come together into something she didn't want him to sense.

"You counted the days," Kylo said, and she heard a catch in his voice and felt his injuries throb suddenly. She glanced up; he'd pulled his long legs up to his chest and put his arms around them. "Hundreds and hundreds of marks. Why didn't you ever just give up?"

Rey sighed and looked down. "I don't know. I couldn't, I guess. There wasn't much to hold onto on Jakku, just survival and whatever dreams we had. I couldn't really leave, either, so if I just told myself it was because I was waiting for my parents… It was just something to hope for."

"Hope is important to you." It wasn't a question.

"Sometimes it's all we have," Rey answered, setting the doll carefully to one side. "Even if it isn't realistic." She met Kylo's eyes and smiled at him. He looked… gentle, again. Like he had when she told him about her vision on Luke's island.

"You had a pilot helmet in your house," he said, voice pitching almost jovial. "Where'd you get that? Did you take it off the corpse, too?"

Rey blushed and looked away. "Maybe."

"That," Kylo said, "is disgusting. Don't tell me you'd play with it."

Rey covered her face in her hands. "Look, there were a lot of dead things out there. I didn't really know to care."

"Oh, stars, Rey, that's horrible," Kylo groaned. "You took a helmet off a decaying man's head and then you decided to play dress-up with it?"

She shook her head, bursting out laughing. He was so disgusted. She forgot, sometimes, that he was the son of a princess, raised in comfort. She leaned forward, meeting his eyes, stifling her laughter. "Yes. There were even maggots in the helmet, but I just dumped them out and put it on."

Kylo's face curled in a wonderfully comical grimace, and Rey laughed so hard she doubled over. "I'm kidding," she gasped. "It was a clean skeleton, Ben. No maggots or rotting flesh or anything."

"Still," he said, voice heavy with horror. "How are you alive?"

"Frankly, I'm not sure," she answered, still giggling. "The Force, I think."

"That's not even how the Force works." Kylo's emotions were so… soft. Rey wanted so badly, then, to suggest he come join them in the Resistance, come see her and his mother.

But she knew now that wouldn't work. For reasons that she still didn't understand, he wasn't anywhere near ready to reach out to his mother again. Maybe this was enough for now, this halfway place of calm.

"I'm really glad you're not dead," she told him, folding her hands together. "I needed you to be okay."

His eyes scanned her face, as if searching for a lie, then he said, "I know."

"I'm sorry about your injuries. I tried to make it better, but-"

"Don't." He shook his head. "Don't apologize. You… you saved my life." She sensed it was hard for him to admit that. "However little it matters to anyone, you did, and I'm thankful. That was too much pain for you to take on my behalf, though."

She shrugged. "I've had worse, honestly. And I think… I think you're worth it." Kylo laughed shortly, as if he didn't believe her. In fact, she realized he didn't. Feeling protective, she put her hand on his knees and said fiercely, "I mean it, you stupid nerfherder. I wasn't going to sit back and watch you die, because I care about you."

He pushed her hands away and looked down, anger and hatred resurfacing in his thoughts – but not, she thought, aimed at her. "It's a nice sentiment, Rey," he said lowly. "But I think we both know things would be simpler for everyone if you had."

She didn't have an argument for that, so she just sighed, frustrated, and shoved her feelings at him: acceptance, relief, hope. Look at this, she wanted to say. Look at me. But she was quiet instead, looking down at the doll he'd brought back to her.

He was a mess. A wounded, angry, hope-less mess. But she knew, without a doubt, that he cared for her. And that, she thought, was reason enough to hope.

* * *

 **A/N: Tadaaaaa, new chapter already! Seriously, please don't expect me to keep up this speed for long. I haven't updated a story this regularly in literally years.**

 **Anyway, good long chapter. For the record, it's been two weeks at this point since the actual coup, so Kylo's been chilling on his own for a while and Rey, bless my child's heart, has been very worried. Also for the record, Kylo is currently on Batuu and Rey has been confiding in Rose about her worries about Kylo.**

 **Anyway, keep it up with the love, my dears! Merry Christmas or happy whatever holidays you celebrate this time of year!**


	11. Chapter 11: Discord

11\. Discord

Rey met the woman's eyes and found she didn't know what to do. Something about this situation scared her more than fighting, more than politicking, and more than sharing a bond with Kylo Ren.

"Please bless her," the woman said, more insistently now. Rey glanced at the baby the woman held in her arms, then helplessly over at Poe. Poe shrugged eloquently – she was on her own. She looked back at the mother and the baby. This wasn't who she was. She wasn't a heroic figure or a savior that she should be blessing babies and receiving the adoration of people she'd never even met. "I don't... I... She's beautiful," she said sincerely, aware that she couldn't just leave, but not wanting to try to be what the woman was asking her to be.

"Thank you," the woman said, bowing her head, and Rey felt sick. This had never been how things were for her. She was a scavenger from a planet where children were scarce and, if they didn't starve to death, usually grew up to be junkers or scavengers or traders. Who was she to bless a child?

She met the mother's eyes and realized, clearly, that she couldn't be this. The legend that they all wanted. "Excuse me," she whispered, and turned and started running. She ran from the crowd of watching people and from the mother's hope and the baby's cries. She didn't pay much attention to where she was going until she found herself in the hangar. She stopped running, then, but wandered around until she found the Falcon. Clambering up into the old ship, she sensed that it was empty, so she sat down on one of the couches and dropped her head into her hands.

The way that woman had looked at her still stuck in her brain, like Rey's blessing could really protect her daughter from the galaxy's harsh twists. But it couldn't.

She wasn't the Jedi everyone wanted. R'iia, she wasn't even sure she _was_ a Jedi. What Kylo kept saying dug at her own fears: was the Jedi Order really as good as she hoped it was? Even Luke had wanted it to end and the books she read were hardly clear. Was it possible that after all the Jedi were just afraid of what they would become if they didn't control themselves? That they, for all they said about peace, were just very afraid?

But she could not accept that. Every group, however wise, had its flaws – the scavengers she had most looked up to, the ones who taught her about history and bargaining and protecting herself, had a nasty habit of cannibalizing each other when Unkar Plutt got stingy with rations.

And even though Luke had briefly considered killed Ben, at least his character and his code of morals kept him from doing it. The Sith Order had pushed Kylo to kill his fellow students and then his own father as if it were a good thing.

Still, she kept feeling unsettled by the worry that this was all being a Jedi was: talking to diplomats, blessing babies, and secretly fearing the dark. So she got up and pulled open the drawer where she'd staged the books she'd taken from Luke. They had a presence of their own, almost like they held the memories of all the many people who'd handled them. She couldn't read all the script in them because some of it was so faded and antiquated. There were six books, one sort of like a naturalist journal, a few massive philosophical books, one book on forms, and one about creating lightsabers. Rey liked the naturalist book because it often helped her meditate, reminding her of the balance she'd felt on Luke's island. Today, though, she wanted answers, so she sighed, cracked open one of the large, worn books, and settled down in her seat.

This one seemed to be the most unique – as far as Rey understood, it was basically a massive history of the galaxy with specific focus on the founding and philosophy of the Jedi Order. It wasn't exactly a page-turner, but Rey knew it was important, so she tried hard to focus on the curling calligraphy. Still, that didn't prove to be easy, so she ended up mostly skimming the pages, flipping idly through them in search of the answers she wanted. The Jedi, she thought wryly, had a somewhat inflated opinions of themselves for a bunch of stuffy old men. She felt a little guilty for thinking that, but frankly if these were the books they looked to for guidance, they needed someone to rewrite them with some color.

Most of what she was getting from the book wasn't helpful. There seemed to be an underlying thread of reasoning that passion was to be avoided, and that you couldn't have peace and also feel things deeply. Rey tried to read it without passing judgement, she really did, but she had to admit that she was very confused and unsettled by some of the statements. She so wanted it make sense but all she had were more questions. Why had she felt that balance on Ach-To but the Jedi said to follow the light and entirely reject anything dark? The island itself had had that duality, light in one place, dark in another. And when she went to the dark, it hadn't been evil. Just frightening. Just without answers that made sense.

She sighed and kept thumbing through the book. Something in here had to explain, right?

A new page began and with it, to her surprise, new writing. Someone with a different style entirely had written these pages, and they were much easier to read. Answers seemed as elusive here as in the previous section though, and she returned to flipping idly through before a variance in the text caught her eye. Something written in short lines, like a song. She frowned and stopped to read it.

 _"First comes the day  
Then comes the night.  
After the darkness  
Shines through the light.  
The difference, they say,  
Is only made right  
By the resolving of gray  
Through refined Jedi sight."_

"Well, that makes sense," Rey said, frustrated. This was the closest thing she'd gotten to a proper answer and it wasn't even clear. Did it mean it was important to find a balance or that the Jedi had some kind of responsibility to make sure there was no grey anymore, just Light or just Dark? Something else? She snapped the book shut impatiently and threw it down on the floor, although she felt guilty immediately afterwards. What a waste of time. She didn't know why she bothered with these old Jedi books anyway.

This was the first time in a long time that she'd been truly alone, and that wasn't without reason. When she was with her friends or Leia or even Kylo, she could ignore the nagging loneliness underneath it all. And now, without even the stuffy book to distract her, it was just her thoughts. And they weren't kind.

She was beginning to wonder whether Kylo was right, whether anyone really cared about her for anything other than her power. Luke had summarily dismissed her until she explained she connected with the Force. Leia had her telling all their potential allies how she was a Jedi and could fight for them. Even Kylo sometimes seemed to think that it was only her similarity to him that made her worth noticing. Would her parents have left her if they had known what she could do? Did that even matter? All around the base, soldiers and families and politicians alike stared at her like she was their hope. And while sometimes she was honored that they viewed her that way, she knew it was only because they didn't know her. Because she was, in many ways, nothing. Just a scavenger. Just the daughter of worthless junk traders. Not strong enough to fight Snoke, not trained, not even sure she could be what was needed.

She wasn't really alone, she knew that. Finn and Rose and Poe loved her and they didn't care if she was a Jedi, especially Finn. But it felt like the rest of the galaxy was watching her, waiting for her to be… something. Kylo wanted her to leave everything behind for him. Leia, it was clear, wanted her to be an ambassador like the Jedi of the Clone Wars had been. So many others seemed to want a legendary, fearless Jedi Knight who could defeat entire armies. Even the kriffing Force had an agenda.

But Rey was none of those things. She was just one person. One person with no legacy and no answers. She sighed, retrieved the book off the floor, and put it and the rest away in the drawer she'd had them in before. Undoubtedly, Leia would want an apology, or at least an explanation. It wouldn't look good to the Resistance at large for their savior to go running off like that without even engaging with a supplicant.

Rey knew that was bitter of her, and she also knew she was supposed to control those kinds of feelings. But she'd spent her life just fine without the Jedi Code, and if she didn't follow it now she'd be fine.

She wasn't sure if that was actually true, but right now, she didn't care.

* * *

 **A/N:** **Rey gets a chapter! This is obvsly the most in depth I've gone into her headspace so far. Sometimes I have the same issue as her, where I feel alone even though I have tons of wonderful people around me? for no reason? I feel like a lot of people probably do. She just has more reason than me, haha. Incidentally, I think "Journey to the Past" from Anastasia is a good song for her, especially before TLJ.**

 **For the record also! I feel like it's important to note that her feelings about why Kylo and Luke and Leia all value her aren't actually accurate representations and she kind of knows they aren't. It's just hard sometimes.**

 **The book she was reading, for the uneducated (aka me a few weeks ago), was the Journal of the Whills. Google it for info, I only have a little. XD I'm a fledgling Star Wars nerd.**

 **I chose the situation with the mother asking her to bless her baby because I've seen that as a hero trope a few times (even in Captain America, where he's handed a baby at one point for a photo op and it's like 'geesh why me'). And normally the hero's like, okay, I accept this role and does it. I feel like Rey only acts like a hero as a defense mechanism, but she doesn't wanna accept the role to that extent. Idk.**

 **Love y'all! Btw, to my guest reviewers: I read your reviews and I love them and smile so much. Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12: Listen

12\. Listen

Sometimes Kylo loved being away from the First Order, sometimes he hated it. Today was one of the days he loved it. No one here hated him, no one here was asking him to slaughter thousands of people, no one here was trying to manipulate him or lie to him – other than the traders, that is. Batuu was a no-questions-asked planet with a few select markets and lots of personal space. Kylo actually had his own little house for the first time since his training with Luke. It was damp and dark and he only had a bed (because he wanted to have enough credits to deal with emergencies), but it was his.

The only thing was, being alone was hard. So whenever Rey's thoughts broke into his solitude, he couldn't help but be grateful.

Today, he noticed instantly she felt different. Strange. He narrowed his eyes, trying to pinpoint the difference, and when he saw her, he got an idea. She felt lost, more than she ever had before. Uncertain. She always acted so sure of herself, but right now her emotions were tangled together in knots.

"You're in a bad mood," he said lightly, settling onto his bed and crossing his arms.

She made a face at him, nose wrinkling and eyes rolling. Kylo had to push down a heady feeling of fondness. "It's been a hard couple days," she told him.

He still sometimes couldn't believe how willing she was to be honest with him. It was still hard for him. This bond didn't always feel like theirs anymore, even though Snoke was dead. It just felt as if they could be found out after all, as if somehow this could be used against him again. And he couldn't stand that. It was the one good thing he had.

"Why?"

She rubbed her arms as if she was cold and glanced around her. "I just... People keep looking to me like I'm... like I'm Luke. But I'm not. I can't be what they need, Ben." She looked down and folded her hands together. "Not that you care. That's what you want to hear, right? That I can't be a Jedi or even a hero? Congratulations, you were right."

Kylo wasn't prepared for that, and was a little surprised at how bitter she sounded. He shifted in his seat and met her eyes, trying to analyze her feelings. Strangely, although he should have been glad to hear she was becoming disillusioned, he just felt uncomfortable. He wasn't entirely sure how to respond, so he went for something neutral. "Why did you decide that?"

She laughed a little. She could probably sense his confusion. "There was a woman, two days ago, who cornered me in the hallway when I was hanging out with Poe. She had a baby with her and kept asking me to bless the baby." Rey laughed, sadly. "As if I could do something to help her by saying some fancy words. Then Leia wanted to talk to me about it, told me she was sorry but that I had a responsibility to do things that were good for my image. She said everyone's relying on me to give them hope, so I can't let them down. The worst part of it was, she was right. Everyone needs me for something, so now it's not about me or what I want, it's just about being this... this hero who can save them all. But I can't." She rubbed her face with one hand, and Kylo sensed how hurt and alone she felt.

He knew that if he was what Snoke had groomed him to be, if he was like Snoke, he would tell her that this was why she should have come with him. He would tell her that this was why the Jedi would always be wrong, or why he'd resented his mother sometimes, or why believing in people was just painful.

But he didn't. Whatever he knew or thought was true for himself, he couldn't bring himself to hurt her like that. She was honest with him, and he wasn't going to use that to get his own way. She didn't deserve that from him. "Why can't you?" he asked, seriously. If anyone could do it, he thought she could. The one thing he absolutely knew about her was that she cared deeply for people.

"Because… I…" Rey stopped, then looked down and said quietly, "I'm not strong enough. I'm not learning anything new about the Force or the Jedi – everything's too confusing. I don't even have anyone to teach me how to use a lightsaber."

"I could." Kylo didn't know where that came from, the offer. He wasn't even sure how it would help, and immediately he wanted to take it back.

"You… you what?" She stared at him, as surprised as he was. He shrugged sheepishly. "You'd do that?"

"I could try," he said quietly. "If you wanted."

She felt excited through the bond, but her expression stayed sedate. "Maybe. I don't know how we'd make that work – the bond isn't exactly predictable."

"No." Kylo hesitated, then said, more quietly, "What about the Jedi? Why are you so confused about that?"

She shot him a venomous glare, and he sensed a brief moment of disappointment. "Oh, wouldn't you like to know."

He winced. He didn't know how to explain how he felt. He didn't want to dictate to her what to believe – everyone had always done that to him, so how could he justify doing it to her? But he was hardly qualified to give unbiased advice, either. "What if I promise just to listen?"

Rey eyed him warily for a moment, then he felt her relax and she sighed. "I… I'm in possession of some sacred Jedi texts from Luke's island – he said they were the originals." Kylo blinked and stored that information for later. "I took them when I left because I thought Luke might be angry enough to do something reckless to them. He'd talked enough about how the Jedi should end, and I thought they shouldn't, so I took the books. I've been trying to read them and figure out what I have to do, but..." She glanced at him again, as if to reassure herself, then continued. "I don't understand them, and what little I do understand just confuses me. I thought being a Jedi would give me answers, but it isn't. Nothing is."

To give himself time to think, Kylo stood up and started pacing. He remembered that feeling, of frustration and loneliness and confusion. Luke, who he'd loved to talk to before his training began and who had always been very understanding of him, started telling him that strong emotion was bad and that he shouldn't be angry at Han for never being home. It had hurt, but he quickly realized that wasn't something he should express either. And he was supposed to, what, tell Rey he thought it would all be fine? That if she just looked a little harder she'd find it all made sense and the Jedi were right?

And in truth, he was hardly qualified to help her – he had no idea what his own place in the world was anymore. So he sighed and met her eyes. "I'm sorry."

She seemed to expect him to say something more, but when he didn't, she shifted forward, looking up at him, and nodded. "Thank you."

He stopped pacing and said, carefully, "Maybe… Maybe if you don't go looking to the Jedi for answers?"

"Ben-"

"No, wait, listen." He sat down on the floor in front of her and tucked his feet under him. "Try to understand them, if you want. Be one, if you have to. But… maybe if you keep expecting that to be the thing that makes you feel… makes you know who you are, then if you don't find answers you'll feel like you don't know who you are, ever."

Rey frowned at him, but not like she thought he was wrong. He sensed she was thinking hard. "But where else can I look?" she asked him softly. "You said you thought I was nothing because of my parents, so what else is there?"

Kylo looked down. He wasn't sure. He'd only ever had his parents and his grandfather and his power, so now… now it was just him. "I meant… I didn't mean you were. I meant… I meant your position." He stopped and rubbed his face guiltily. It wasn't that she was nothing. She was the best person he'd ever met in his whole shitty life. So he tried to say what he knew should be right, what he knew would help her. "Your parents don't matter. To me, or anyone." He winced at how that sounded. "I mean, they don't determine who you are. That was… um, I shouldn't have said that they did. I mean, look at me," he said wryly. "I'm not exactly what my parents hoped I'd be."

"No," Rey said, smiling just a little.

"I don't know what to tell you, Rey," he said quietly. He wished he did, but nothing he said would sound right. Not for her and not for what he thought was true.

"That's okay. I just needed you to listen, and you did." She smiled for real this time, and he felt something… warm from her. Something gentle. It scared him.

But he hadn't let her down, and that… that was something. So little seemed right anymore, but this, talking to her, always did. He decided not to think about that too much. He was on his own now, so there was no one to know or care if he was weak. No one except himself, and he found it increasingly hard to hang onto Snoke's training.

She held out a hand to him, but he didn't take it. She smiled, like that didn't surprise her, and withdrew it. "I just want to say, Ben, thanks. I didn't know who else to talk to about this, and I was afraid you'd just try to tell me I should turn to the Dark Side. I'm just… I'm glad you didn't."

Kylo let himself smile, although not too much. He'd made the right decision. "I'm glad too."

"Also, I'm definitely going to take you up on dueling lessons," she said archly. "Once I fix Luke's saber."

"It's mine, actually," Kylo said, impulsively. "But okay."

Rey's eyebrows shot up on her head. "Oh. I'm sorry I broke it."

Kylo laughed. "It's okay. I hardly need it."

"True."

They fell silent, and that left Kylo too free to think, so he got to his feet and gestured for her to get up too. "Let's start now. Can you?"

"Now?" Rey stared at him, but slowly got to her feet. "I'm on the Falcon, so if I'm careful, sure. But how?"

Kylo hesitated, then took out his saber and handed it to her. "Use mine. Don't ignite it, though."

She seemed surprised he was offering, but she carefully wrapped her hand around it and settled into her stance. Not a bad one, at least. He tried to think of the forms he'd learned from Luke that would suit her, but could really only remember his own, which was a combination of two – neither of which he thought would be quite right. "Okay, I don't really remember the forms, so I'm just going to teach you what I use until I remember some of-"

"I have a book for that!" Rey grinned happily and scurried away, returning after a moment of rummaging with a small, green-covered book.

Kylo's breath caught. It had been years, but he'd recognize that book anywhere. He'd spent hours detailing small prints into the leather binding, after all.

Rey, obliviously, cracked it open to show him. His amateur-ish sketches next to columns and columns of detailed explanation of forms that he'd painstakingly copied from Luke's lectures and other books he read. He cleared his throat and reached out to take it from her, and for a moment he was startled when she pulled it away. But of course, Luke had told her it was sacred, like the other books.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I just… This is the only one of its kind."

Kylo laughed at that, and she glanced at him, confused, until he gently took hold of the book and turned the pages to the front cover page. His signature stood out stark and black against the paper, far too outlandishly written, really, but a creation he'd been proud of.

Rey took a moment of squinting to decipher the curling script, and the resulting feeling of disbelief through the bond was so powerful that Kylo had to laugh again.

"Yours?"

"I guess," he said, not wanting to be too elated but really unable to hide his excitement. "I can find the right form for you now, put something together. Can I… Can I keep it?"

Rey grinned at him and let go of the book. "Of course! It's yours, after all, you- Oh!" She darted away again, back to where she'd presumably gotten the first book, and came rushing back with another book in hand, this one bound in plain brown leather, the cover and pages a little charred. "This is… I think the handwriting is the same? Is this yours too?"

He set down the first book on his bed and grabbed the second from her, hardly daring to actually hope, but he cracked it open and there were his sketchy drawings of candlewick flowers and kshyy vines and ewoks. "Stars," he said quietly, flipping through the pages. "He saved these?"

Rey felt so happy. "I guess. I wonder… could I keep that one? Or at least use it sometimes?" she said, pointing to the book he now held. "It helps me meditate more than the others."

Kylo shrugged, trying his hardest not to smile. "I suppose. I should… Rey… Thank you."

She opened her mouth to say something, but the bond slipped away before he could hear her.

Leaving him with his beloved books – and her, he realized with a sudden shock, with his saber.

"Shit," he said softly. What was he coming to? Still, he couldn't feel too sorry as he sat down on his bed again and started thumbing through the pages he'd thought were lost forever.

* * *

 **A/N: I pushed myself to have this chapter out tonight and by golly, I did! I was really concerned about it because Kylo is so... nice? in it. But with how close they were getting in TLJ (I saw it again a few days ago) and how closely connected they are and all, I'm pretty sure I made good character decisions. They care about each other, that's no secret, it's just they were both really disappointed for a while.**

 **I think Ben being off on his own is going to be really good for him. He's away from his abusive master, Hux, and his family, so the only things he has to do are think and talk to Rey. He's been through too much and been manipulated or just disappointed by too many people - at this point being alone with himself is gonna be really good for him.**


	13. Chapter 13: Try

13\. Try

Rey turned Kylo's lightsaber over in her hands carefully, as if it might break. She sensed that something in it was broken already, but she wasn't sure what because she didn't exactly know much about sabers. It worried her that Kylo was without it, but she thought he might be okay for a little while. Glancing around, (as if anyone would be watching her), she stood up and ignited the saber.

The hum she expected was more of a ripping sound, and the saber felt oddly heavy. More than the one she'd been using. She sliced it back and forth a few times. It resisted more, again, than the other saber. Why? She closed her eyes and felt the weapon, felt the mechanics of it, and then the strange crystal that she understood to be the source of energy. This crystal had a crack down the center, and she sensed that wasn't quite how it should be. She opened her eyes again and switched off the saber.

Just in time too, because Finn's head popped around the corner of the ship's entrance, and she had just time to snap the saber behind her back before the rest of him followed. He looked amusingly timid. "Hey, Rey," he said, smiling and walking over. She grinned back, although she was trying to figure out how to get rid of Kylo's saber with Finn noticing.

"Hi. Need something?"

"Well, not really." He seemed a little fidgety, but he gave her a quick hug and sat down like nothing was wrong. She couldn't exactly hug him with the saber behind her back, and he gave her a suspicious look before leaning over to peer behind her. She turned quickly so he couldn't see and cleared her throat, sitting down too. "Dude, that's… not subtle," he said, laughing. "What's going on?"

She sighed and gave up, procuring the weapon with a sheepish shrug. "Look what I found."

He visibly shifted away, frowning. "Um, how? Is he here? Don't tell me you brought Kylo Ren _here_."

"Excuse me," Rey grumbled. "I wouldn't. We just had a talk, is all, and I accidentally took this."

"'Accidentally,'" Finn said, making air quotes. "Nice move!"

"It really was an accident," she laughed. It was increasingly uncomfortable for her to bring up her talks with Kylo to her friends, because all of them still hated him (with good reason) and she didn't exactly have a good defense for him beyond "he's kind to me sometimes."

"Well, whatever." Finn shrugged. "I just wanted to see how you're doing, because you go off on your own a lot, and you seem less happy. I'm worried."

"When aren't you worried?" Rey teased. She wasn't sure what to tell him. How could she explain the issue with the Jedi to him? He wasn't exactly in a place to understand – although she thought maybe he could sense the Force a little, he didn't have to worry about trying to revive an entire system that he didn't understand.

"Hey," he protested, without bite.

"I just… It's a lot. With all the responsibility," she said, sighing. Too much of everything, really. "I have to do so many things right and Leia is always talking to me about my image, and I mean I'm grateful, but-"

"Hey, believe it or not, I get it," Finn said reassuringly. She must have looked as disbelieving as she felt, because he laughed and leaned forward. "No, seriously. You think I know what I'm supposed to be here? Rose and other people keep calling me a hero and acting like I'm really important, but I'm not in charge of anyone – I'm new to this whole thing. I don't know what I am. A foot soldier? An officer of some kind? I'm a little worried I'm just a glorified mascot," he said sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "The stormtrooper who defected because the First Order sucked."

"Isn't that what you are?" Rey asked, smiling a little.

Finn snorted. "Aren't you a Jedi and a hero? I hate the First Order, sure. That doesn't mean I want to talk about it to the entire galaxy. Whenever Leia doesn't think your story will sway people, she gets me." He sighed. "I mean I want to help, but… I don't think politics are exactly 'me', and I don't have rank or position, so I'm just kind of wandering around. Sometimes I help Rose, but I think I just get in her way."

Rey nodded, inexpressibly relieved to find he seemed to know how she felt. She'd hardly even considered how he must feel, with no official rank and no job to do. At least she wasn't a soldier and had never had a problem keeping herself busy. "Couldn't you ask Leia to assign you somewhere?"

"Have you _tried_ asking Leia anything?" Finn asked, chuckling "It's not like she wouldn't listen, it's just… She's always got something to do, something to say, and I never feel like I should bother her with my problems."

Rey smiled a little – she knew what he meant. "Yeah, I guess. You could get Poe to tell her."

"Poe?"

"Yeah. Haven't you noticed, they spend a lot of time together now. I don't know why, but Leia trusts him with a lot."

Finn looked proud at that. "I guess I've been a little preoccupied. He's busy, and I'm trying to figure stuff out. It's been crazy." He glanced at her, smiling, then got more serious and shifted towards her. "Look, Rey. I don't really know how this all works, either. I'm confused about what I'm doing here – I still get lost sometimes when I'm trying to find the fresher. But I think… I think you can do this. You're brave and you're strong and you never let people down. Even if you don't save them the way you think you should, or the way Leia expects. You've always done the right thing, and when you don't, you'll work it out." He shrugged. "Just… you have the best heart of anyone I know (don't tell Poe I said that), and I don't think it's going to lead you wrong."

"What if it already did?" she asked quietly. "I've already messed some things up, Finn, and I'm afraid I'm going to choose wrong again."

"Then you do like everyone else. You pick up and you try again. You think I never chose wrong when I was a stormtrooper?" Finn asked, and she saw him visibly shudder. "And I almost died trying to save the base, and that was the wrong choice too. But I'm here, and I'm trying."

Rey leaned forward and grabbed him in a tight hug to hide how she suddenly felt a bit teary. Finn always seemed to know just what to say, for all that he was oblivious sometimes. "How are you so smart?"

"I'm just cool like that," he mumbled, hugging her back just as hard. "I'm a hero for a reason."

"Shut up, stupid. You're so full of yourself," she said happily, pulling away.

He raised his eyebrows at her and shrugged again. "Maybe a little. You can't deny I'm cool."

"I could, but that would be a lie, so…"

"What, like you never lie."

Rey held up the saber and shook it a little, sheepishly. "More than I wish I did."

Finn pointed at it. "Fair enough. Okay, truthfully, how'd you get that though?"

She sighed. It felt too scary to tell him the truth, that Ben wanted to train her to use it, that he'd given it to her freely, that he'd only left it with her because he'd been so excited so see a bunch of books he'd written. Admitting that much about Ben to anyone, much less someone who hated him, was risky. What if he told her it was all a trick, or didn't care, or didn't understand? So she went for a brief explanation. "He gave it to me. He said he could teach me how to use a lightsaber and handed this to me to practice with, but then the connection closed and I was left with it."

"He… gave you his lightsaber," Finn said slowly, sounding skeptical. "He just handed you, his greatest enemy, his own lightsaber, to train you how to use it."

Rey winced. "Yeah."

"There's no reason to think you're making that up, or else I would." Finn put his hands together in front of him and pressed them to his chin. "Why?"

"I… I think…" Rey didn't want to talk about this with him, and yet she did. Finn was her best friend (and really, her first friend), but he also hated Kylo Ren. Completely justifiably and correctly hated Kylo Ren. "He trusts me," she said, very softly. It felt good to say it, but frightening.

"He trusts you. Rey, I'm not saying you're not loyal or anything, but… Why does he trust you? Why do you even want that?"

"I just… Finn, I'm sorry. I know you hate him. I know everyone does, and I understand, I just… He's alone, and he's lost, and he wasn't always like this."

"He almost paralyzed me." Rey knew Finn didn't mean it like an accusation, but it still felt like one.

"I know," she said, even softer. "But… I think he was kind of like you. He didn't want to be indoctrinated or controlled, but he was. He's just… He wasn't as strong. But I think he could be, I think he could leave. Defect, I guess, like you."

Finn nodded slowly. "I guess I see what you mean, Rey, but…" He winced. "He's hurt millions of people. The First Order has, and he was near the top. You don't just defect when you're that high up."

"You did," she said bluntly. "Why shouldn't others be able to? What if he was sorry, really sorry, like you were? And what if he joined us and helped us take them down, like you're doing?"

"Then that would be great," Finn said shortly. "Really, really great. But he won't. You don't kill your own father and then just decide you're sorry and waltz back to join the good guys like everything's fine. He didn't come with you last time and I don't think he will again, not unless he's trying to get into our good graces before killing us." Again, Finn didn't sound accusatory or even very angry, just brutally honest. "You don't get to be the leader of the First Order unless you've really committed to that kind of cruelty."

Rey looked down. While she really didn't think he was right, while she had felt genuine care and pain from Kylo, Finn's words carried a devastating amount of sense. To hope that Ben would see the error of his ways and come back to them Light and gentle was audacious at best, horribly naïve at worst.

"I'm sorry," Finn said. "For whatever weird reason, you seem to really hope he's going to join us. But it's been a long time, Rey, and he's hurt all of us. If he was going to be sorry, I think he would've been by now."

"I know," she whispered. She wasn't sure that was true. But it was true that he'd rejected the Light time after time, even when called on by people he cared about to do otherwise. And as much as she might think she could be a hero and save him (along with everyone else), maybe she couldn't. And yet, it occurred to her with sudden certainty, "I have to try. You said I care about people and I don't let them down. Well, I'm going to try. And if I'm wrong, I'll fix it and I'll do what I have to."

Finn, to her surprise, grinned at her, although his eyes stayed dark. "I wouldn't expect you to do less. I just think you should be careful how much you hope."

Rey smiled. "When has that ever done anyone any good?"

They both laughed, and Finn hugged her again. He was good for hugs, that was one of Rey's favorite things about him. "You're an idiot too, you know," he said kindly. "But I like you."

"You're okay too," Rey said. "And Finn?"

"Yeah?"

"I promise to be careful."

"As if you ever are," Finn said wearily. He stood up, straightening his jacket. "Every time I turn around one of you stupid people is about to die or do something reckless."

"Says the guy who tried to throw himself into a battering ram," Rey said, getting up as well. She was feeling hungry, suddenly. She put Kylo's lightsaber away in the drawer where she kept the Jedi books.

"Shut up."

"Mm… No."

They walked out of the Falcon together, and Rey felt… happy. Not alone. And maybe, just a little, like she knew what she needed to do.

* * *

 **A/N: Did you guys catch my reference to Matt the Radar Technician? It was really sneaky, so probably not. ;) Also that last line was a parallel with Kylo's repeated line completely by accident, believe it or not. I make a lot of accidental references honestly, I'm a nerd.**

 **I probably could have waited longer to post this and done a better job editing, but I just wanted to get it out there. :) I saw The Greatest Showman and I LOVED IT. Maybe my favorite movie of the 2017, although it's kind of tied with TLJ for me. Y'all gotta see it. I cried and wanted to dance and just. The feels. Anyway.**

 **I'm slowly working out what I want the plot of this fic to be. Right now it's just mostly dialogue-heavy character-building chapters where I try to figure out where everything's going, but hopefully I can make it work. :)**

 **Thanks again to all of you for your lovely reviews and appreciation! A few of you told me that the last chapter made a hard day better for you and you have no idea how much that meant to me? So just wow? Thanks?**


	14. Chapter 14: Killer

14\. Killer

"I have a few," the trader said comfortably, pulling a crate full of blasters up on the counter. "What are you looking for?"

Kylo hadn't used a blaster in years, not since he was a little boy and Han had taken him out to a field and taught him how to shoot straight. He didn't know what kind of blaster Han had had, so he just looked at what was in front of him for something familiar, trying to seem knowledgeable. He hated this kind of thing. Increasingly, he was forced to rely on things he'd learned from Han and Luke, things he'd convinced himself weren't important. That was hard, because that meant remembering the rare days spent with Han learning how to tell if someone was packing a hidden sidearm, how to shoot, how to pilot a ship, how to do his hair, how to bargain with a trader who was full of shit. He'd told Rey he didn't hate his father, and that was true. That made remembering dangerous.

"This one," he finally said, setting a heavy black blaster pistol on the counter. It looked like Han's, but was heftier.

"Alright." The man, like everyone else on this planet, gave no indication what he thought of the decision. Kylo hadn't managed to learn that yet: how to keep his face shuttered and empty.

He handed over the credits expected of him and turned away, blaster in hand. It felt foreign. He wanted his saber, but knew it was long past time he had a weapon he could actually use without drawing attention to himself.

"You want a holster for that?" the man said, suddenly.

Kylo stopped, and a picture sprang to his mind, unbidden, of Han with his cocky grin and low-slung holster. "I've got one," he said shortly, and kept going.

The route back to his house was a winding one through a village of ramshackle shops, bars, and stands. He'd learned quickly that here, like so many other places, thieves lurked around every corner. They were just subtler here, and most of them were children.

He ducked past the entrance of a bar, where an old grey bird with three red eyes sat croaking softly to itself. It was always there – he thought it was supposed to be some kind of ward against bad luck. Some of the locals were very superstitious.

Just as he passed this bird, the Force hummed a soft warning, and Kylo snapped out his hand and caught a skinny wrist sliding into his pocket. He turned, lips curling in a dangerous scowl. "Hands off," he hissed.

The pickpocket, a Twi'lek girl with pale grey skin, yanked hard on her arm, staring at him in a mix of alarm and defiance. He twisted her wrist and pushed her a little away from him. The Force twisted cold in his gut and he knew he should teach her a lesson she wouldn't forget.

He saw she knew what he was thinking, because she went still and met his eyes, hers silver-blue and resigned. They stood like that for a moment, the Force crackling like the wild beast it was, before Kylo shook himself and let go.

The child took off running, and he lifted and lowered his shoulders uneasily. Behind him, the bar's guardian bird let out a shrieking cry like an angry woman, and Kylo, without even thinking, swept his hand to one side and felt the bird's spine snap.

No one in the bar seemed to have noticed, but Kylo hurried the rest of the way home nonetheless, feeling unsettled. Not because of the bird, but because of the child. He put his blaster down next to his other things, his books and clothes and bandages. Then he sat down on his bed with his book of forms, flipping through it to try to find what he could use to teach Rey. Instead, he found himself fixating on the memory of the girl's eyes, so resigned to the idea of pain. Like Han's, like so many others'. He closed his eyes and reached out with the Force for a familiar feeling, trying to find Rey, to find their connection. But it was out of reach, like a room in the back of his mind he couldn't quite access.

Why he wanted her, he wasn't sure. Maybe because she acted like he was worth something? Because she was one person he didn't want to hurt? Because she looked at him with hope instead of that awful, awful resignation?

Here, by himself, there was no one to blame but himself for the way that girl looked at him. No one twisting his arm, no one pushing him to hurt, and he did anyway. He broke things and threatened people and killed things and that was just him now. Just what he did. And pretending otherwise was childish. He'd killed Han because he'd needed to, because the deepness of the Force was intoxicating and he wanted more. He'd hurt FN-2187 because he could, because he'd gotten in his way. He'd wanted to kill Luke, and he'd killed his fellow apprentices for no other reason than because he felt he had to. They were children, several much younger than him.

This was who he was. He'd saved Rey, and she thought he was worth something, but that didn't make him anything other than a killer. To pretend otherwise was a delusion.

He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It just was, and he didn't understand how it had taken him so long to realize it. This was what happened when people delved too deep into the Force. They became things like Snoke, like him. Rey would tell him that was something he could change, but she wouldn't understand why he didn't know whether he wanted to change.

He sighed and closed his book carefully, setting it down on the floor. He was planning to take his blaster and practice with it (something to let the anger out), but just as he stood up with the weapon in hand, one of his neighbors, Rehc, barreled into his house. "Raid," he said sharply. Kylo nodded and grabbed his things, running outside after him. He slammed his door hard enough to shake it off its hinges as he went.

"Raid" meant the First Order or some other hostile group was coming through. The entire village would make their homes and places of business look as abandoned as possible, then go to their village's shelter. No one seemed able to tell Kylo who made the shelters, but they were underground and, due to their metal-lined walls, hid the life signs of the people in them. There was a rule in the shelters that you didn't cause trouble, because everyone's safety relied on secrecy.

He and Rehc went by two more houses on the way, striding straight in and putting out fires, shoving belongings at their owners, and moving on. They reached the shelter just as Kylo sighted the first ship on the horizon. It was the First Order again, almost certainly. They were looking for him. But unlike him, most of the First Order remained unaware that Batuu was populated now, and the entire planet needed to keep it that way.

The shelter's entrance was a small hole in the stone, which Kylo leapt through after Rehc. The shelter was already mostly full, so he wandered over to the nearest wall, dropped his bag, and sat down next to it. Like most of the other villagers, he held his blaster ready against his knee. There was little chance of anyone finding them, but it was best to be prepared. The last three people slid in, swinging the entrance door shut over their heads with a solid thud.

Then it was just time to be silent and still and wait. A few stray animals bounded around inside: several three-tailed blue dogs, one of the guardian birds from outside the bar, and some little light-footed creatures with silky white whiskers and big, bulbous red eyes. Kylo had noticed that all the native animals of Batuu had red eyes, although he wasn't sure why.

Without even thinking much about it, he got his book out, careful of the burnt paper and leather, and opened it to a fresh page… before realizing that he had no pens and no ink. There was no use in wanting to write anything if he didn't have pens.

He could hear ships vaguely overhead, passing back and forth over them, searching for signs of life. If they'd done their jobs right, there wouldn't be anything to find.

Kylo knew the First Order was looking for him. It didn't surprise him. He was dangerous to them if they couldn't control him, so he doubted Hux would stop searching for him for a long time. Batuu would just be one stop in dozens among the Outer Rim planets.

He spotted the little girl from earlier seated amongst a group of friends, all of whom were probably also thieves. They were a bedraggled, scrawny, restless bunch, lounging against each other or kicking each other in the shins. With nothing else to do, he took to watching them play some games involving sleight of hand. After some time of this, the Twi'lek girl looked up, as if she sensed him watching them, and their eyes locked. Kylo waited for the flash of fear, for her to look away and warn her friends. Instead, she lifted her chin and glared at him. Somehow, that relieved him, not to have to see fear of him on her small face.

He smiled, just a little, and that appeared to surprise her. He broke eye contact first, reaching into his bag for his book of forms to try again to make a plan for what to teach Rey. This time he was a little more able to focus, and he read his way through three pages of information before a disturbance interrupted him, a ripple in the Force and a sudden shout.

"Give that back you little bitch!" A muscular Lorrdian man lurched to his feet as one of the children ran away from him and back to their group of friends, clutching something in his little fist.

Typically, if something like this happened, everyone would wait till the raid was over to settle the issue, but the victim of the theft apparently wanted his dues now – enough to break the unspoken rules of the shelter.

And the Force, moving dark and close around him, told Kylo that he would not be reasonable or merciful. The Lorrdian started towards the children, and Kylo, catching the eye of the Twi'lek child again, pushed himself to his feet and rushed across the shelter.

He felt the delayed moment when the other people realized what was happening, felt some intending to come help him, but he focused on the man because he was the only one who was going to get there fast enough.

Even as the children started to scatter, Kylo cut in front of the oncoming attacker and, without pause, pressed his blaster pistol to the man's head. The Lorrdian jerked to a stop, his eyes dark brown and full of shock. For just a split second, they looked at each other, then Kylo fired his blaster twice. The blaster bolts scorched the wall on the opposite side of the shelter.

The Lorrdian dropped to the ground and Kylo's focus expanded to include the rest of the people around him. Everyone looked shocked, probably because this level of violence didn't happen in the shelters.

Kylo looked back at the children, who stared at him and their wannabe attacker like they weren't sure what to think. Suddenly self-conscious, Kylo strode back to his things and sat down, avoiding everyone's eyes.

He didn't look at the dead man. He wasn't sure whether this sort of thing ever happened – Batuu's culture relied on a kind of trust among its people. No one _really_ knew anyone else, and some may steal from each other and cheat each other, but especially here in the shelters there was an implicit agreement: they all helped each other stay alive and hidden.

"You have a short fuse, Ben."

Kylo glanced over to meet the eyes of the Ho'Din who'd been tending to his injuries. Oolism had a frog-like figure and red tubular hair. In truth, Oolism was a bit grotesque, but she knew about healing, which was good because one of Kylo's injuries was infected. He hadn't done well at keeping them clean.

"That shouldn't be news to you," he said wryly.

"People won't like this. It's not the first time this has happened, but not in the shelter. Not when we're supposed to be united." Oolism made a strange clicking noise with her tongue like two twigs tapping together and rocked back on her gaunt heels. "But it's permissible for the children."

"The thieves."

"Mm. Most of us here are thieves, Ben, or something else we're not supposed to be. You come here with five blaster wounds you can't take care of and you talk about thievery like it's so great a sin. You're the one who saved them."

Kylo shrugged. "I just mean… What's the reasoning? Why will people defend the children but let them go on thieving without helping them? That's a poor kind of protection."

"Dinegia, Ben, you're a strange one."

"For asking?"

"Not exactly." She eyed him carefully, up and down. She reminded him of a plant, not just in appearance, but in the way her emotions affected her movement and the way she deliberated on things, slow and careful. "You came into my house angry, like a storm, and demanded my help. You shot that man twice without blinking. But you saved the children and you ask why no one helps them."

"And?" Kylo said, somehow wanting to know what conclusion she came to.

"Do you know of Dinegia?" she asked him.

Kylo had no idea what that was, although he did know it was an exclamation she liked. "No?"

She nodded. "It's…" She seemed to search for a word. "The world. Nature. The force that controls all of it. Sometimes I can hear it, and it's loud around you."

Was this her idea of the Force? Or something else? Kylo decided to just go with it – if he had to guess, he'd say it was her religion. "And?"

"And I wonder why," she said simply. "Dinegia isn't often concerned with people."

"How do you know?"

"I just do."

A useful answer. Kylo sighed. Religious people were at times incredibly infuriating (not that he never said anything cryptic like that), but it was interesting that she seemed to have some kind of Force sensitivity. He knew little about the Ho'Din, only that they were good healers. He'd never been good at Force healing, so when he'd heard about Oolism, he went straight to her. "Will people still do business with me?"

"If you don't shoot anyone else, yes," Oolism said, smiling. She had no teeth.

"I'll keep that in mind," Kylo said.

He wished he could talk to Rey. She always seemed to know exactly what to say, even if her certainty came from a certain amount of naïveté. Right now he just wanted to explain things to her. Maybe then it would make sense.

Maybe.

* * *

 **A/N: The goal for this chapter is, if I'm completely honest, to make you feel a little uncomfortable. XD Kylo, for all that I love him, is... a bit not good. I believe this is why it's called a redemption arc. ;) I really don't want us to forget he's kind of deliberately chosen to be what he is, outside influences aside. This little chapter's important though - I feel like with the mask and with Snoke Kylo can kind of remove himself from what he does. When he takes off the mask and is him, he has to face things and accept them and so before he can begin to feel remorse he has to accept everything he did as his own action. Where he goes from there is important.**

 **Don't worry, next chapter we get some Reylo again. Probably gonna be pretty angsty tho tbh.**

 **I wrote this chapter while I was driving to and from Chicago to see Hamilton (!), and it was kind of a difficult trip so that might be why it ended up a little dark.**


	15. Chapter 15: Truth

15\. Truth

After the raid, Oolism had Kylo stop by her house, to give him a salve to put on his back and a stern warning not to do anything strenuous or he'd risk opening all the other wounds. So naturally he went back home and set about fixing his door. The hinge pins were bent, so he pulled them out, laid the door on the floor, and went about straightening the pins with the Force, which required a different kind of concentration than he'd expected.

He was in the middle of this very delicate process when finally, everything went still and Rey's voice, heavy with surprise, said, "What are you doing?"

"Um…" He was crouched with his hand outstretched over a pin like he was trying to bestow a blessing on the floor. "Fixing something."

"You're weird."

"Yeah, I know." Kylo sat up and sighed, frustrated. "I was hoping to talk to you."

"I kind of… I can tell." Rey glanced around her, then said, "Give me a minute," and started walking. Kylo got up and followed her, semi-aware that he was heading out of his house. They both stopped after a short walk and Kylo sat down on a rock. Rey sat down in front of him. "Sorry, I wasn't really in a good place to be spacing out. So… You feel… different." He sensed she was a little nervous as she said that, and she was watching him carefully, as if looking for something different about him. "What's wrong?"

He looked down. How to articulate any of this? And in a way that wouldn't make her hate him – if that was even possible.

It was how she looked at him, he decided. He didn't want to lose that. But he needed to talk to her, he needed her to understand. He wasn't sure why.

"I killed someone today," he said. That seemed the simplest way to start.

Rey nodded slowly. Her feelings felt suddenly vague, like she was trying to hide them from him. "Okay," she said. "Why?"

"Why does that matter?" he sighed. "I almost maimed a little girl. I killed a bird because it bothered me. And I killed a man."

"Okay," Rey said again, and her emotions slipped further out of his reach. She wasn't good at hiding her expressions, though, so he caught a flicker of anxiety in her eyes before she looked down so he couldn't see. "All today?"

"This morning," he answered. There was something in him that needed to push all the words out at once, needed to scare her, needed to see her face what he was.

"But why?" she asked, and he didn't like that she always insisted on asking. Like the reason really mattered so much. "Why, Ben?"

He still didn't know how to feel as he leaned forward and answered, "Because I could."

"I don't...?"

"The girl was trying to steal from me. The man was... he was trying to hurt children." Kylo felt her relief before she even spoke again and wanted to curse. She didn't understand.

"But you didn't hurt the girl, did you?"

"I was going to," he said shortly. "I wanted to."

"Wanted to?"

"I don't know."

"But you saved children!"

"I shot a menace in the head. Twice. He stopped, I could have let him walk away. But I didn't. I killed him."

"But..." Rey looked at him, her eyes full of desperation. How did she do it? Try to fit everything comfortably into her moral boxes? And this was it, maybe, why he wanted to make her see. Because she'd hated him so much before, until she thought she could "save" him and then, then she wanted to be kind. Then she'd cared. If she couldn't fix him or make him fit into her narrow idea of good, then what? If she found out she couldn't turn him and make him the champion of her Resistance, then would she give up on him?

She looked down and fell silent, and he nodded. "But what? Does it bother you that I'm not an altruist? Do you want to know why I killed my father, Rey? You asked – are you still wondering?"

She looked up, fast, and the barrier around her emotions slipped and he felt fear, grief, anger, disappointment. Her and her kriffing disappointment. "Why?" she asked fiercely.

"Because I needed to," he growled. "You want family? Well, I want power. I want to not have to be controlled or lied to or manipulated by any more people and if that means killing my father and Luke Skywalker and Snoke and a random Lorrdian, then fine. So be it. Han was just one more person who abandoned me and-"

"You said you didn't hate him."

"No. And if I did, wouldn't that make it easier for everyone," he hissed. He hadn't hated Han. He'd loved his father when his father was never there, when his father never wanted to take the time for him, and he was bitter, _stars_ was he bitter. But it had hurt to kill him, and Kylo knew that was what made him more a killer than if he'd always wanted Han dead.

"I don't understand," Rey said, softly, but her voice had a razor's edge. "You killed Snoke to save me."

He wanted to deny that but couldn't. That would be a lie. He had done it for her. For himself too, but at the time he'd only thought of her. "Yes."

"So what about the children?"

He thought about it. Had he been thinking of killing or just of protecting? "Maybe both," he said. "I wanted to make someone hurt. But I didn't want him to hurt them, either."

"So..." Rey seemed to be looking hard for something to say, but he cut her off.

"So nothing. You want me to turn, Rey? Well, what if I don't? What if this is it? Me, killing because I can. Because I want the Dark."

"Why is this so important to you?" Rey snapped, finally showing some anger. She got to her feet and shook her head. "What are you trying to do, _make_ me hate you?"

"Would you?" he answered, standing also, crowding into her space.

"I don't know! Probably!" She pushed him back a little so the back of his legs pressed against the stone he'd been sitting on. "But I don't understand why you're saying all this."

"Because it's true."

"But you... you're acting like you don't care. How can you not care?"

He didn't know how he felt about it. But he wanted to know how she did. "Why should I?"

"Why not? Ben, you can't just... People matter. They're important. You can't stand there and tell me you kill just because you can! Why do you want power so much you'd stop caring about people? About your father?"

"I think you said it's because I'm a monster," he said venomously. He didn't know why he was so determined to see her angry, but he did know that if he pushed enough, maybe she would hate him. For all her talk about hope, she'd give up too. Because he couldn't be what she expected.

"Don't do that," she said, and she stepped close and glared straight at him. "I didn't know anything, I was angry-"

"Oh, and you know so much now. How I was a lonely, weak teenager betrayed by his uncle, how I'm worth saving because I miss my father. Now I'm not a monster, now I'm your poor, sad, innocent project." He leaned forward, making her half to tilt her head back to keep making eye contact. "Is that what it is?"

She flinched and took four steps back, looking down. "I don't think that's fair."

"Not fair." He laughed.

"I just... It isn't like that," she said softly, and she sounded so ashamed he wanted to back off. He reached for her emotions, felt them slinking nervously around in her head. She was afraid. A little angry, but mostly afraid. Maybe of him.

"How is it not?" he asked quietly.

"Because..." She stopped, then looked up. "I'm not using you."

He shut his eyes. "You're not."

"No. And you aren't my project. How many people have you met, Ben, who could look at someone who hurt their friends and not call them a monster? Changing my opinion after gaining more information is a perfectly reasonable thing to do."

"So I'm not a monster now?" he asked, bitterly.

"Well... I don't... I don't know," she said, angrier. "Maybe you are. But now you're also more. And that's not bad, and it isn't wrong of me to want you to be something better, and it isn't wrong of me to be disappointed if this is all you choose!"

"Isn't it?"

"Actually, you know, what, listen." Rey crossed her arms, jutted out her jaw, and got that look in her eyes. The one she got when she was going to fight someone. He would be lying if he said he wasn't scared to hear what she was going to say. "You have killed people. Finn's right, you haven't gotten where you are passively. You hurt me and my friends and your family and you are hurting me right now. You apparently threatened a child! A little girl, Ben, how could you?"

He nodded, lifting his chin, accepting it. He hadn't really expected much else from her, so-

"But I... I also know you are capable of something else," she said. "You've shown me. And maybe you'll always limit yourself to being this... this thing that Snoke made you. And maybe you really do want this. But I want something better for you."

"Yes, and then I can be your secret weapon against the First Order," Kylo said. "Won't that be nice." So her too. She knew best, of course she did. _Come home, Ben. You can be what I want you to be._

"I don't care if I never see you again, Ben Solo!" Rey cried, grabbing the front of his shirt with both hands. "I don't care if you leave me and the Resistance to fend for ourselves – because believe me, we can – but I'm sick of seeing you do this! You look me in the eyes and you tell me this is good for you. You tell me you're happy alone out there with only the Dark for company! Kriffing tell me you enjoy killing, Ben, tell me honestly that this is what you want! Say it!"

He stared at her, frozen. Her honesty and anger pounded in his skull, painful in a way he hadn't expected. He was shaking. "I... It's..." She was shaking too. "I don't know," he whispered. "I'm numb, most days."

She loosened her grip. "Do you even know what it's like anymore?" she asked. "To not be lonely and angry? Do you even know who you _are_?"

"I'm this. A killer with nowhere to go."

"And are you happy?" she asked. "Because if you can be happy as a killer, as a monster, then... then we have nothing more to say."

He met her eyes. He wanted to say he didn't know, but that wasn't quite true. "I'm not happy. But I... I don't know if I'm sorry."

She nodded, and he felt she was weary. "Fine then." She sat down, letting go of his shirt, and pushed her fingers into her hair, leaning on her hands.

He sat down too, feeling (still) very numb. Hadn't that been what he'd wanted to hear? She said she wasn't using him, and he believed her. How could he not? That left him with something harder.

He wasn't sure why he'd really wanted her to say she'd still care if he wasn't sorry. But it did push the issue into stark focus. Somehow he hadn't managed to ruin things with her yet, but how he proceeded from now would determine everything. If he decided he wasn't sorry and that he wanted the Dark more than anything else, they would be enemies. Worse this time than before, because they understood each other now.

"Rey, I… I don't… This is what I am. And I don't know what that means or how I feel about it." She nodded, the movement so slight he almost didn't catch it. "But I don't… I know I don't want…" Kylo almost reached out for her, but stopped himself. She wouldn't want that right now. "I don't want to lose you," he murmured.

"You don't have to," she said, looking up at him.

He nodded. "I know. But I can't… I can't just choose for you."

"I would think less of you if you could," she said frankly. "I wish… I'm scared, Ben."

"Of what?"

"Of what's going to happen."

"I know."

"I'm afraid of being alone."

"Me too." Kylo folded his hands in his lap so he didn't fidget. They both felt small, and scared, and angry. And so uncertain.

He wasn't sure that would ever really change. Not for him, at least.

* * *

 **A/N: Fun fact: this fic now has more followers/almost as many reviews as my previous most popular fic that I've been working on for two years that's over twice as long! Gosh I love the Reylo fam. XD**

 **I debated a while over whether to have this conversation from Rey's perspective or Kylo's, and I decided that ultimately it would work better from his perspective. Rey gets the next chapter though.**

 **I started classes again today, so my posting will slow down.**

 **Please review my dudes! Love y'all!**


	16. Chapter 16: Close

16\. Close

Rey didn't talk to anyone about what Kylo had said. She couldn't. She needed to, but how could she possibly explain any of what had happened? She hardly knew herself. After their conversation, she'd searched out Finn and, without a word, grabbed him hard into a hug, burying her face in his shoulder. She'd never explained it, although he'd inferred some of it. Finn always knew, somehow, but thankfully, he didn't say anything about it to anyone.

As if the Force understood she needed time to think and calm down, it was another week before they reconnected. She was cross-legged on her bunk, meditating, and so she noticed the exact moment the Force connected them, her awareness expanding gently until she felt Kylo's emotions again. Today he felt oddly calm, and she sensed his injuries were healing, although one in his back wasn't doing as well as the others. She didn't know how she was supposed to talk to him now. She kept her eyes closed a little longer, staying in the Force. She felt him shuffling a little, not looking at her, and after a moment more she opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Hi," she said quietly.

"Hi."

"It's good to see you." She pulled her legs out from under her and settled into a more comfortable position. "Are you doing okay?"

"Define okay," he grumbled, walking over and pausing before sitting down on the floor in front of her bunk.

"Well, I guess I just meant are you managing alright." What she really wanted to know was what he was thinking about everything they'd talked about, but she didn't want to ask.

He nodded shortly. "Yes, managing fine." He was wearing a loose, light grey shirt and brown pants and boots. And, strangely disappointing, brown leather gloves. "Do you still want to learn forms?" The change in subject was abrupt and tactless, but she went along with it.

"Yeah, that would be great. I'm sorry, I guess I still have your lightsaber."

"It's okay." Kylo smiled just slightly. "Let's do that, then."

It was an activity they could do where they wouldn't have to talk much. Where their emotions might be a little more private than if they just tried to have a casual conversation. Rey nodded eagerly. "Yeah, I'll get the saber." She leaned over and pulled open the drawer in the bottom of her bunk to get it. The pieces of her own were still in there next to the piles of books. She didn't know if she'd ever be able to make sense of how to fix it.

She held the lightsaber gingerly and nodded. "Okay so… what do I do?"

Kylo stood up. "Come on. You should use two hands with that, it'll go better. Besides, you seem more used to that."

"Right." She glanced around and settled into a stance. "So what are we doing?"

He walked over and put his hands over hers, adjusting how they held the saber. "It's not a staff and you can't use it like one. The disciplines are too different. I'd tell you to get a double-bladed saber, but unless you can make one you have to make do with what you have. Had. Besides, it's good to know how to do this anyway."

The leather of his gloves was cold and stiff against the backs of her hands, but she mirrored what he was doing and he let go. He already seemed more comfortable and focused, as he quickly backed up and scanned her posture quickly.

"Okay, look, copy what I'm doing. Don't ignite the lightsaber, just try to follow my stances." He settled into a wide-footed position, knees bent a little, arms out in front of him. Rey imitated him as best she could, holding out the saber and crouching. "Right, yeah, but… Here." Kylo stood up and came over, putting his hands on her shoulders and nudging them back. "You want your shoulders back and your back straight."

She nodded. She wished he'd back off already and show the next stance, but also his hands on her shoulders (gloves or no) felt warm and nice. "Yeah, I should have known."

"Well, you haven't done this before," Kylo said, sounding amused. He stepped away again and dropped easily back into his own stance. "It's just like any other form, Rey, you just have to learn how to use what you already know."

"I know, I know," she huffed.

"This form's called Shii-Cho," he said, pivoting to his left. Rey imitated him, sliding her left foot forward to match his. "It's really basic."

"Yeah, I got that."

He glanced back at her and nodded a little. "You might want to move your right foot out more."

She did. He led her through another few moves before stopping again to come over and adjust her posture again. He put one hand on her shoulder and one on her hip and showed her how she needed to turn. Rey had a surprising amount of trouble paying attention because she kind of just wanted to be there, close, with him. She didn't like all this awkward distance and silence.

"So… Busy week?" he asked, as he backed away and went back to showing her what she was meant to be doing.

"Yeah. How'd you know?"

"You're tired."

"You're in a weirdly good mood for someone who spent our whole last talk yelling," she retorted lightly.

"I bought some things today. A set of pens, actually," he said, ignoring her hint.

"Oh, Ben, that's great!" Rey said, stopping and straightening. Kylo snorted and tapped her wrist.

"Stay in the stance."

She made a face at him but did as he said. "What are you going to do with them?"

"I don't know. There are animals on this planet I've never seen before. I want to write about them and document them. Maybe if I do you can – not so low, Rey – look them up and find out what they are?"

Rey grinned. She loved that idea. "Of course!" It was something she could talk to him about that didn't involve morality or the Jedi or his past or hers. Just something nice.

By the time they finished going through the form twice, Rey was sick of Kylo's stupid gloves and had halfway convinced him to let her watch him write something. He was reticent, claiming he was out of practice, but he seemed flattered she'd asked.

She handed Kylo his lightsaber, and she felt him relax as he took it. She understood. Being without some kind of weapon still made her feel jittery.

"You'll shape up okay," he said casually, clipping the saber onto his belt.

"Well thanks," she said, wanting to laugh a little. Kylo Ren as a teacher was not something she'd expected to see. "But um… Ben? Why are you teaching me, anyway? I mean, it isn't exactly in your best interest if we end up fighting again."

He looked down. "I don't know, really. You need to know how. And I'm not really expecting us to have to fight – I'm alright staying off the radar." He sounded nonchalant, but Rey suspect there was more.

Rey sat down on her bunk. "That's all there is to it, huh?"

"Yes," he said, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Okay, I just… There's no other reason you're doing this?"

Kylo sat down cross-legged on the floor and grabbed his set of pens and his book. He was definitely trying to avoid answering. He took his gloves off, too, and set them to one side. "Well…" he said, flipping back and forth between the pages in the book like he was looking for something, "You were upset. And I thought it was one thing that might help – I don't know, might help you feel like you could do what you needed to do."

Rey smiled and tilted her head to one side, gratefulness warm in her chest and cheeks. She didn't understand what Kylo was going to do or who he was going to become, but she hoped it would be like this. Because he could be kind, and he often was, but there was so much… else. "Thanks."

"Yeah." Kylo finally found the right page and spread out his pens on the floor in front of him. Rey sat down next to him and rested her chin on her knees. He cleared his throat. "I'm really out of practice."

"I won't know the difference," Rey laughed.

"Right." Kylo leaned over his book, holding his pen anxiously between his fingers, and Rey was able to really look at him without him noticing. He was sitting rather awkwardly, probably so he didn't exacerbate any of his many injuries. She noticed, for the first time, that he had somewhat large, prominent ears – he'd tucked his hair behind them so it wasn't falling in his face. She wondered if he'd grown his hair out to hide them in the first place. And then there was that scar, which she'd given him, just a fine dark line tracing down his face and, she knew, chest. She regretted it, a little. She regretted a lot of things when it came to him.

Then pen started scratching softly against paper and Rey refocused on his book. Kylo was slowly, carefully tracing a series of black lines on the page, bottom lip pulled between his teeth with concentration. Rey only recognized mistakes when he made small sounds of frustration, but otherwise it all looked absolutely wonderful to her. She liked drawing, but she couldn't do anything like this.

"That's amazing," she said quietly. From where she was sitting, she was able to see that when Kylo blushed, his ears and neck all turned bright red and blotchy.

"Not really. The ink's not at all even," he grumbled.

"Well I think it's great anyway," Rey said firmly.

He turned his head to look at her, a slightly amused look in his eyes. Rey became even more aware of how close they were. She wished he'd let her hug him, or hold his hand, but he seemed incredibly uncomfortable whenever she tried. "Thanks," he huffed. "Okay, so look." He went back to writing, but faster and smoother, and he talked while he wrote. "All the animals I've seen here so far have red eyes. I can't figure out why. There are a lot of these-" He sketched out a bird with scraggly feathers, a long beak, and a skinny body. "-birds everywhere. People keep telling me they're good luck. I think if you feed them somewhere a few times, you know, on a regular schedule, they just… don't leave. I've seen them starving to death but they just stick with the place."

Rey nodded. He was writing the same information down, just more carefully, with more complex language. The lettering was getting nicer as he went along, she could tell now. "So what do they eat?"

He shrugged. "So far, just about anything. People just throw them scraps, although I think to get them in the habit of coming somewhere they give them proper meals."

"You know a lot about them," Rey said. She was a little surprised – Kylo as a naturalist hadn't really occurred to her either.

"I've spent the last week studying some of these animals," he said tiredly, drawing a third eye on the bird he'd sketched. "Kept me busy."

"Ben, we can't just avoid the topic," Rey said impulsively. Normally, she thought wryly, it was him that wanted to confront everything, but she didn't like how uncomfortable she felt. She didn't want it to be like this all the time.

"Why not? I thought that was how you preferred to handle things." Kylo said passively. Rey snorted and lifted her chin off her knees.

If she was honest, he was right. He'd drawn her attention to that about her, but she just didn't know how to face things any differently. Survival required focus and practicality, and thinking about her parents didn't help her with either. She still didn't think about them. She had too much else to worry about; she couldn't afford to be breaking down over problems that were in the past.

"You're the one who keeps telling me I need to face things and let go," she retorted. Kylo was inconsistent in following his own advice, she knew.

He sighed and leaned back, carefully setting the pen down and keeping one hand on the book to hold it open. "What's left to say?"

Everything. She wanted to know why he was so sure he was a killer, why he'd been so insistent on forcing her to confront that fact, why he'd seemed to want to make her angry. She wanted to help him, and she wanted to be close to him, but until she knew how he was going to move on from where he was, she didn't know what to do.

And she was terrified. She knew that however horrible it was for her, if he decided that he could be a monster, that he could deliberately and on his own be a killer, then she had to give up on trying to save him. Then they would be enemies, no in-between regret, no games. She didn't want that. This was _Ben_ , a man who liked drawing animals and writing in old-fashioned, beautiful letters. Ben who brought back her doll, Ben who was teaching her how to duel so she wouldn't feel inadequate, Ben who made her face the truth, who saved her life, who didn't want to hurt her, who thought she was important. Her, just her, just Rey.

And if he chose everything else over that… Rey didn't know how she'd face it. Because Kylo Ren was someone else and she was afraid of him, no question. Afraid of what she'd have to do if he went deeper into the Dark. She felt it sometimes, how the Dark side of the Force swirled around him, felt it promising things to him. But she'd looked, and she'd seen: the Dark promised things and then it only gave you emptiness.

Rey ran her thumb back and forth over the fabric of her leggings. "I don't know. I just want to know what you're thinking. It was a lot."

She felt guilt and hesitation from Kylo, then he said carefully, "I'm sorry I was so angry. I guess I was just… I don't know. I'm sick of the lies."

"Wanting to see you change isn't the same thing as trying to manipulate you, Ben."

"It's not?" he said, wearily, but she got the sense he didn't want to talk about it, so she reluctantly let the issue pass with only a shake of the head.

"Anyway, it's… it's not okay, but I think I understand." He felt surprised, so she elaborated. "You're wrong about people manipulating you, I think. Except Snoke." Her mouth curled sick around the name. "But I understand it feels like people have failed you, and it doesn't matter so much if they have or not if that's how it feels. But I keep saying, that doesn't mean that's all people do."

Kylo sighed and shook his head, tucking a strand of hair back behind his ear. "You can keep saying that, but it doesn't help."

"Yeah, I know. But… um… I haven't let you down, have I?" She was half-afraid to hear she had somehow, that she'd said something wrong last week. Because what if she had and he felt like she was just one more liar and what if she'd ruined any chance of him trusting her and wanting to turn to the Light?

He looked up at her, straight at her, his dark, dark eyes so soft. "No."

"See?" she said, hoping he didn't feel her relief. She'd done something right.

He shook his head at her and she froze for a moment because she felt a rush of affectionate warmth, not from her, but from him.

"Well, listen, can I have the book?" Rey rushed to say something and pretend she hadn't noticed anything. "Because I can look up that bird in the library for you and see if it's been documented. Because if not, you can name it."

"Sure. Here. Don't close it, you'll smudge the ink." Rey took the book carefully, stretching her legs out in front of her and resting the book on her lap. She didn't look at Kylo, but out of the corner of her eye she saw him pick up his gloves from the floor and go to put them back on. She grabbed his wrist, impulsively.

"Why do you always have to have gloves? And that mask?"

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter, Rey, they're just gloves."

"Okay." Rey told herself he was right. They were just gloves. And a mask was just a mask, and Kylo still hadn't told her what she really wanted to know.

What was he going to do?

* * *

 **A/N: Not so sure about this chapter. Okay, that is, I'm like, 90% confident I like this chapter I'm just a little iffy on some parts. Slow burn is hard because you have to convey growing feelings and I'd like to avoid the whole "She didn't love Kylo, did she? No way" thing that a lot of writers do (sorry if you do that). I'm all for subtlety but then like... how to transition. Anyway. Doesn't matter, I've got this. ;)**

 **Fun fact: my literary interpretation prof is awful. He says "y'all should be comfortable discussing your ideas" but then makes you feel like an idiot if you don't have the best idea ever. We'll see how that class goes. :/**

 **I'd briefly like to mention: unsolicited constructive criticism is not welcome, although thoughtful analysis or corrections on Star Wars lore is fine. :)**


	17. Chapter 17: Lies

17\. Lies

"You question my tutelage of you," Snoke said slowly, hand outstretched towards Kylo's tortured frame. "You feel as though I'm holding you back."

Kylo couldn't answer. It wasn't worth trying to anymore, because he never could. Snoke could see everything anyway. He'd long given up on keeping things to himself. It just hurt more when Snoke pried them from him.

"What do you know, boy?" Snoke growled, standing, and Kylo bit back a scream as Snoke dug further into his thoughts with a vicious twist. "Do you think I'd hold so much back from you if you could handle it? You're weak, inexperienced, unstable."

Kylo tried not to be resentful, but the bitterness came through anyway, the disbelief. He knew he was strong in the Force, he knew he was powerful. What else could he do?

That hurt too, when Snoke heard it, and his master laughed harshly. "You have power. Not such a rare gift," he mocked. "You have no conviction, no mastery. You are nearly useless to me."

Kylo was in so much pain the words hardly connected, but they did, and they terrified him. He was here because Snoke could make him into something, but if he couldn't even do what he needed to do here, there was nothing left.

Snoke's Force hold released him and he fell, hard, on the polished black floor. "Stop resisting it," Snoke told him, dismissively. "If this is what you want, boy, accept it. Otherwise you are nothing but a waste of space." The implicit threat had Kylo scrambling to his feet, aching, and he turned.

It was there again, the ocean. The black water had no waves, but Kylo knew instinctively that it was an ocean: vast, unending, and unfathomably deep. He walked to the edge and stepped in.

It was too cold, and as he always did, he wanted to pull back, but he didn't. He knew once he just went far enough, it would feel good.

The icy water made his skin burn, but it encouraged him as he went, one step at a time.

 _You can be like that, Kylo,_ it told him. _No more pain, no more relying on anyone. Just you. You'll be free. Free and powerful. You can stop all this. Just let go. Come in and let go._

Sometimes the whispers scared him, but mostly he knew they were right. If he'd just stop running from this, he could have exactly what he wanted.

The water was just so _cold_. It swirled and tugged around his ankles, seeping into his boots and creeping up over his knees. But he had to do this, so he gritted his teeth and kept walking.

As always, once he was about halfway submerged, the power started coming. The Force built to a low burning hum, red and wild in his veins, and it hurt, but it was there, his for the using, his to control more than it ever had been.

 _Yours,_ it agreed softly, and he drew on the energy it gave him and pushed further out into the ocean. He could feel Snoke chuckling back on shore (wherever shore was – all he saw was shimmering blackness), but he kept going. This time, he wouldn't turn back. This time, he'd make Snoke see he wasn't useless. He was powerful and he wanted this. He did.

It was just… it was overwhelming. The power was building, and it warmed him, but the water lapped softly at his throat and he froze. He was terrified. He sensed he was close to dropping off and letting go, but the whispers had quieted and now it was just him and ocean and the Force thrumming through every part of him.

He thought he heard someone say his name, but he wasn't really sure. He was numb all over. Just one more step. He could take one more step, couldn't he? It would be cold, it would hurt, but then finally he'd be free. He could do whatever he wanted and never have to be afraid of anyone else again.

He put one foot out and felt the deep void under it in the sea. This was the drop off.

Then, for the first time, he thought of drowning. Somehow, in the hundreds of times he'd come here and stopped at the edge, he'd never thought he might drown. It was always something else that turned him back, an indistinct fear that Snoke said was his weakness. This was a realization of the fear. He would drown, if he stepped off this edge. The cold would suck him under and drown him in the black, and the red power in his veins wouldn't save him from that.

He was just being weak again, wasn't he?

"Ben!" This time the voice was distinct, and he turned to try to find it. It was treacherous moving in the water now – it would be very easy to lose his balance and fall.

He couldn't see anyone, just the black ocean extending in all directions. No more shore to go back to. Snoke was gone, and while that should have been a relief, it just terrified him. He'd failed. He was alone, even though he was trying. Snoke had given up.

"I can do this!" he shouted, to someone. Anyone. Snoke, maybe. "I'm not weak!"

"Ben?"

The voice again. There was no one there, why was he listening? Hesitating? This was why Snoke never taught him anything, because he couldn't just let go of that stupid name. This was why he always failed. He turned back around and set his teeth. He'd do it, he'd show them he wasn't weak.

But he didn't. He just stood, in the freezing water, the power beginning to hurt too much. Why couldn't he just do this?

And then he finally figured out who was saying his name because she was right there in the water next to him, on the edge.

"Ben, what is this?" she asked him, and he felt the whispers talking to her, but he didn't know what they were saying.

He didn't know how to answer. He wasn't sure. He came here so often he was no longer sure how it even happened. She was afraid. Her feelings were faint, nearly out of reach, but he still knew she was panicking. Somehow that made him feel better. He could show her how to do it. Just two steps forward and they'd both be free.

"Here." He held out his hand to her. "I'll show you."

"Kylo… Ben, this is a terrible place," she said, and he realized she was shivering. "I want… I want to go."

"Do you?" he asked.

 _Free._

He shuffled a little closer to the edge. "We'll do it together."

"It says it can help me save them," she said, shaking her head slowly. "All of them. You. But it's not… it can't do that, right?"

 _We can_.

"Why not?" Kylo said.

"Because it can't… It's lying. This is the Dark Side, isn't it? This is what you want?" Kylo felt he didn't need to respond. She knew. "I can't. I'm not going any further."

Kylo nodded and turned away. Then he'd do it. She was weak, but he wasn't. He wasn't. He wasn't.

He was.

Luke always told him that he shouldn't draw on pain to use the Force, but when this happened, when he was weak, it was the only thing that worked. So he clung to the burn in his bones and the aching cold in his limbs and tried to summon up enough strength to move.

That didn't work either. He felt frozen, and it began to hurt in a different way. A sick way. Why did this always happen? This should be easy for him, but he always stopped. Snoke was right, he was just a child pretending, and he'd always end up back here. Walking away from power because he was _afraid_. He couldn't spend the rest of his life coming back to this edge and refusing it. He was just denying himself what he wanted, what he (in a way) needed. So what couldn't he just do t?

"Ben, please can we go?" Rey asked him, and he felt her little hand on his shoulder and he turned suddenly, the water hampering him, and smacked her hand away, glaring at her.

"Stop that!"

"Stop what?" she asked, backing away. She was still trembling with the cold.

"Stop holding me back! I want this, don't you understand, I need this."

"The Dark's lying to you, Ben."

He wished she'd stop calling him that. It didn't help. Why couldn't she just let him go? "So what?" Where that came from, he wasn't sure, but he felt like he might already be drowning and what was the point, anyway? He'd come this far. One more step made sense. He couldn't just turn around and go back to shore, and he wasn't going to give this up for her.

"So what? Aren't you tired of being lied to? You won't be free with the Dark, and it can't save anyone, and…" She trailed off. It occurred to him that she might be having trouble believing what she was saying.

"But it's there," he said. "And I'm tired." He felt heavy. It would be so easy, but he just couldn't move. Something in him was still hanging on. The pain didn't help him and neither did the power. Here he was just himself, whoever that was. And he couldn't be that. The Dark would be better. He could just stop fighting, if he'd just… If she'd just leave him alone. If he just stopped being so weak. Part of him wanted to just push her over the edge, away from him. But he didn't. He didn't even have enough strength to take that step himself.

"I know," she said. She sounded terrified, and she didn't say anything else. He looked at her. Something in her eyes told him this was for him to do, alone. She was giving him the space he wanted.

So he turned away. He could still feel her there, with her hope and her fear, but he looked back out over the ocean.

He would drown if he stepped off the edge, he felt that, shrouded in the red and the black. But was that really such a bad thing? He'd still get what he needed: independence, strength, pleasure. It would all be his, and no one could hurt him. He was tired of being hurt and being let down. No one had been there for him, not once, and Rey was just going to fail him too. He was fooling himself if he thought she wouldn't. He didn't owe anything to anyone except himself.

With the power in his fingers, he could reach out and feel the void, and he did. He listened to it, hoping for something to give him the push he needed. Instead, he listened past the whispers and the cold and the fiery red, and somewhere in the blackness, something was hiding from him. Something that whispered, something ancient. Kylo was vaguely aware he'd plunged his face into the water, and he hung there on the edge, suspended, listening.

It was the Force lurking in the dark, hungry and deep. This, Kylo realized, was the thing that had twisted Snoke past all human recognition, the thing that had turned him back from the edge time and again but that he'd never recognized.

This was a thing that wanted to make him its own. He'd heard it whispering it could be his, and he could be free, but now he reached out and found its intent and it was vast as the galaxy. It wanted to break things and bend them into its own shape. It was chaos and violence and passion without restraint. It wanted to take him and use him, and if it did, he would be like it: breaking and destroying in a meaningless frenzy. More a slave than he'd ever been to Snoke. For a moment he felt the full weight of its intent on him and he almost stepped over the edge, almost let go because holding on was just too hard in the face of this _force_.

 _What are you waiting for,_ it said, and its voice wasn't a voice at all, just an echo in his head. It made him feel empty. _Let's break things. We know you love to break things. Let us do it with you._

Kylo found himself shivering. _I can't_ , he thought back, not really sure why. _No._

 _You can, we see it._ The voice was almost paternal in its steadiness, and as it said that, Kylo knew it was right. If he chose, he could accept this Darkness now. _The Light suffocates you. We can let you burn._

Kylo was choking on the cold, on the heaviness of the Force's gaze. _I don't…_ He was terrified. In the face of this ancient thing, it was too hard to think of reasons to fight. _I just don't want to be hurt anymore_. All he could manage was the truth.

 _We won't hurt you,_ it told him, and Kylo knew it was lying, felt it deep in his burning bones. _You will help us hurt them._ It showed him: the Resistance burning, his mother dying, Rey screaming, the First Order collapsing, all of them being pulled into the ocean.

It was those images that helped him push back. While there was some gratification in them, mostly they horrified him. The power to be independent of everyone else would lead him to something else, he sensed that. Sensed that he gave up his freedom if he accepted this darkness.

The pressure of the Force's focus increased, and its voice lost some of its thoughtfulness. _Freedom you will have, Ren,_ it said. _Just let go. Let us start everything over._

But something had clicked for Kylo when he saw his mother die, when he saw Rey die. He _knew_ the Dark was lying to him and he _knew_ that he would not be controlled again, especially not by this thing in the cold.

The Force seemed to sense his decision, because for a moment the entirety of its energy was pointed at him, a crescendo of noise and a voice, something hollow and gaping, shrieking at him to _let go let go let go._

But it passed, and he came up for air, gasping, and he flailed back in the ocean because he _did not want that_.

"Ben? Ben, what happened?" Rey grabbed him again and this time he grabbed her shoulders too and clung on for dear life because that _thing_ was going to come and it was going to take him, he was sure. "Stars, Ben I felt… something terrible. What happened, what was that?"

He couldn't answer. He still felt like he was choking. But he grabbed her arm, turned, and stumbled away from the thing in the Dark, from the edge, back toward what he thought might be the shore. He felt the power seeping out of him and he hated it, wanted it back, but not if it meant accepting what he'd felt.

The Dark was a place of lies and manipulation, and he couldn't take any more of that. Not if the power that was supposed to make him invulnerable just trapped him forever.

"Ben?"

He didn't answer. It took everything he had just to walk and keep hanging onto her arm.

It was still so cold.

* * *

 **A/N: Well this chapter turned into something I had not anticipated. Like wow. I was like hey I should go back to the dream idea and have Kylo have a nightmare and maybe there will be hurt/comfort and then the story was like HAHA NOPE and turned it into a crazy vision in the end. So my latest and best headcanon about the Force ended up like something in Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn series where the duality is between "Ruin" and "Preservation" - in this case, the Dark Side is ruin and destruction, and the Light Side is preservation and life. Going too far in either direction is a VERY bad idea and oh look, Kylo's figured that out.**

 **That's not to say he won't be back here again or struggle with this anymore, it's just that he's made a starting decision. For context, this is a few days after the last chapter. We'll get Rey's POV on this next chapter.**

 **Love you guys! Still so thrilled by all the feedback.**


	18. Chapter 18: Alone

_"In El-harím, there lived a man, a man with yellow eyes._  
 _To me, he said, 'Beware the whispers, for they whisper lies._  
 _Do not wrestle with the demons of the dark,_  
 _Else upon your mind they'll place a mark;_  
 _Do not listen to the shadows of the deep,_  
 _Else they haunt you even when you sleep.'"_

18\. Alone

Rey was dreaming about porgs and rain when the Force bond intruded, bringing with it what she assumed was Kylo's dream because she could see and because it was just unutterable blackness, with screams and whispers mingling in the air around her. She shivered and looked around, trying to figure out where she should go. She wanted to find Kylo, but the only thing she saw was, in the distance, a shimmering black mass that she thought might be water. She started walking that way.

At some point not far into her walk, the screams stopped and then she was just left with the whispers. For some reason, she couldn't feel Kylo, and the whispers weren't at all like the ones she'd heard on Ach-To from the Light. These had an echoic quality that burrowed into her ears, like her own voice but far away. They were indistinct, but Rey realized that the closer she got to the far-off water, the more she could hear what they were saying. She knew instinctively that she shouldn't listen too much to the whispers, so she forged ahead, reciting the Jedi Code to give herself something else to focus on. She felt something like anger from the very air as she did, but she kept saying it.

It felt like hours of walking before she finally arrived at the shore of what she sensed was an ocean, although it was eerily still. She still couldn't see Kylo anywhere, and the further she had walked, the more frightened she'd felt. The whispers had taken shape eventually, and she was confused by what they said.

 _Rey from nowhere_ , they called her. _What if you lose them too? All of them. It will just be you. We can help. You can fight for them._

That was a fear she'd kept hidden even from herself, in some ways: the fear that, like her parents, everyone she loved would eventually be gone. That she wouldn't be able to save them. Still, she kept walking, pushing back against the whispers with the Jedi Code and simple stubbornness. She'd come to the water.

Finally, although she couldn't see Kylo, she felt something from him, and what she felt was more terrifying than the whispers. There was a darkness in him that she'd only felt in fleeting moments before, and his emotions (fear, desperation, need) were smothered by it.

"Ben!" She paused at the edge of the ocean, something in her rebelling at the idea of going further. She didn't hear a response, and still didn't see anyone, so with a sinking heart she stepped into the water and started towards where she felt Kylo was.

 _We've missed you,_ the whispers said, and they sounded like her voice in the cave on Ach-To: echoing back and back to a long-premeditated purpose.

She tried to keep saying the Jedi Code to herself, but here in the ocean, it felt like the words meant less and less. The water was icy cold and she felt a wild current coursing around her legs, but the surface stayed still. The only anchor she had were her feet on the ocean floor and the feeling of Kylo's thoughts, which hardly helped because the darkness in them was only growing. She felt like she should be rushing to him, but it took all of her willpower to keep walking into the ocean.

 _We can save them together,_ the dark told her softly. _All of them. Come further in. We'll help you. Come home, Rey from nowhere. We can destroy anything that tries to touch them._

 _No, you're lying_ , she said back, fiercely. That helped her push forward faster, although the current was just as strong as before. She felt the place's surprise that she'd argued, then the whispers returned with a vengeance, although nothing about their tone had changed.

 _Lies are what your Jedi trade in,_ they said calmly. She kept walking. Kylo felt close now, so she called out again. "Ben!" She ignored the whispers. _The Light would have you forget everything you love and not fight for any of them._

She shook her head. _No, that's you._

 _Oh, Rey. We respect your passion for them. We will help you keep them safe from the Light. The Light will take them from you and leave you with "peace" and "serenity."_ There was a mocking tilt to those last two words, and Rey knew it was referring to the Code she'd been reciting. _You think we are afraid of the Light? We are not, but you should be._

She tried to ignore the whispers. They were just lying, after all. And, finally, something she felt told her that she was close to Ben. She looked around, and suddenly she saw him in front of her. He was hard to see, just a dull black figure against the shimmering black of the water, but he was there. His head was bent, his shoulders slumped. The Dark was so heavy around him she could almost see it. And she sensed the whispers were talking to him, too.

"I can do this!" His voice was so hoarse and strangled that Rey almost didn't recognize it. "I'm not weak!"

 _Come with us and help us save them, Rey from nowhere. We can save him, too._

"Ben?" She walked until the current let up and she found herself behind him, the whole world seeming to go still, the whispers quieting, although they didn't totally leave her. It should have felt like a relief to find him, but she sensed something else now. They were both on the edge of something, and when she reached out more with the Force, she felt that they were literally on the edge of a cliff that dropped off into blind black ocean.

She stepped up next to him, and finally he looked up and turned his head. His eyes were hollow and empty, full of pain and a hungry kind of desire. And they'd changed from the deep brown she was so familiar with to a sickly yellow. "Ben, what is this?" she whispered, unnerved. Even though she'd called him a monster before, even though she'd assumed he was Dark past saving, this was something else. This was him, but nearly not human, so close to something she couldn't save him from. She glanced from him back out over the ocean and felt an intense desire to grab him, to take his hand and run from this. The current tugged on her and she felt wayward power creeping into her. Resisting it did no good; this was a place that got into your very soul. For the first time in her life, the Force didn't feel reassuring. It felt sick.

He turned slightly and held out his hand. He wasn't wearing gloves, and his hand looked small and pale and cold. "Here. I'll show you."

She didn't want him to show her anything. She didn't like the emotions swirling in his head. "Kylo… Ben, this is a terrible place. I want… I want to go."

She felt the whispers speaking as he did. "Do you?" _Do you?_ "We'll do it together." _We'll do it together. Save them._

"It says it can save them. All of them. You." _We can,_ the whispers said. Rey shook her head, trying to wrestle through the voices. "But it's not… it can't do that, right?"

 _We can do anything, Rey from nowhere. You can help us do anything._

 _No, you can't._

 _Why not?_

"Why not?" Kylo asked. The echo was behind his voice. Rey was afraid of him, but even more afraid _for_ him. This darkness was pulling even her past where she'd ever thought she could go, and she found herself struggling to say no to the whispers. She didn't know how he'd ever refuse it.

"Because it can't…" She couldn't say the darkness couldn't give him what he wanted – she felt that it could, in a twisted way. "It's lying." The whole place was just a maze of shrouded half-truths and deception. She looked around and let out a shaky breath. This was what the Jedi feared, what the Sith embraced. "This is the Dark Side, isn't it? This is what you want?" She felt Kylo's acquiescence in with his fear and longing. Part of him needed this like he needed air. "I can't. I'm not going any further." She knew that was true, even as part of her feared she would do what she knew she could not. This place couldn't save her friends. She'd already trusted the dark's promises once and it only taunted her. This, she sensed, would be worse.

She felt Kylo gain some resolve, and he turned away from her and rocked slightly forward in the water. Rey watched him, frozen in indecision along with him. She felt pain and determination and still that fear. "Ben, please," she whispered, reaching out to him, finally touching his muscled shoulder. He felt stiff. "Can we go?"

The dark flashed red and violent and he struck her hand away with stinging force. "Stop that!" he snarled. _Stop that,_ the whispers hissed. She stumbled back from him and from the Dark. She was not going to lose herself trying to drag him back. "Stop what?" she said, defiantly.

"Stop holding me back! I want this, don't you understand, I need this." He looked feral and unhinged, a predatory thing with only one thought.

 _Leave him alone!_ she cried at the ocean.

 _He doesn't want us to._

"The Dark's lying to you, Ben." She poured her desperation and need into those words, pressed her fear and care at him.

"So what?" That was softer, more him. He met her eyes and looked a little less insane, just lost. And weary.

"So what?" she echoed. "Aren't you tired of being lied to? You won't be free with the Dark, and it can't save anyone, and…" She wasn't sure what else to say. This place made it hard to think.

"But it's there, and I'm tired."

This was the way hope died. Not with a bang, but a whimper. A last tired exhalation because breathing was just too hard. Rey had seen what that was like: in the starved corpses of children, in the brittle bones of old women who simply let go, in the tired bodies of grown men who laid down in the street and stopped trying because their existence had no meaning. "I know," she told him.

She stepped back further. She couldn't help him with this. If this was where he gave up, if this was where he lay down and died, she would not be able to stop him. This was his choice, then, whether he would fight or give up.

After a moment of silent standing, with only the whispers and their shared emotions to break the sameness, Kylo shocked her by plunging underwater and disappearing from sight entirely. She gasped and lunged forward before stopping herself. For a heart-wrenching moment she thought that was it, he was gone. Then she felt him again, and it was with such a wrenching feeling of fear that she almost dove after him.

"Ben?" she cried desperately.

And then she felt a… presence. There was something in the water and she sensed it around Kylo. If she'd thought he'd been dark before, this was something else entirely. Kylo's feelings winked out of her reach, but she could only move away from the presence in the water. It reminded her of a black hole: inexorable and magnetic, drawing her even as she wanted to run.

 _It's alright, Rey, he'll come to us,_ the whispers said reassuringly. Rey felt terribly, horribly alone. _You will not, but he understands. He will take what he wants and we will break things._

She shivered. She felt as if any moment that presence would become aware of her and swallow her alive. Trying to reach for the Light, she pushed back at the whispers. But there was no light here, just the darkness, and she found herself crying.

It was just her. The whispers were right, the Dark Side was right. In the end, it would just be her, alone forever.

 _So you see, Rey from nowhere,_ the voice said, echoing. Rey found herself back in the cave, looking in the mirror at herself, only herself. No parents. No friends. No Ben. _You are alone. We understand. Would you like to break things with us? With him? Then you won't-_

The whispers broke off and Rey felt an icy wind roar across the ocean, ripping through her and whipping the surface into small whitecaps. She felt an anger as vast as the sky and she screamed. "Ben!" He was dead, gone, lost from her mind, taken by that _thing_.

She was alone. For a moment that felt like days, there was nothing but silence and black water and cold, just her in her smallness facing an unending darkness.

And then Ben surfaced with a gasp and sob, flailing around, eyes wild and, blessedly, brown. "Ben? Ben, what happened?" Rey grabbed his hands and dragged him towards her, trying to hang on to him as best she could. He was shaking violently, and with an effort he forced himself upright and gripped her shoulders, staring at her. All she felt from him was panic and resolve. "Stars, Ben, I felt… something terrible. What happened, what was that?" He had to be alright. He was here, she could feel him, he wasn't so dark anymore.

He didn't answer, just kept staring, eyes darting from her face to the water, and then with a sudden turn he grabbed her elbow in a bruising grip and ran. "Ben?" she asked, forcing herself to follow, still terrified.

The whispers followed them, but now they were just a frenzy of sound and fury. There was no persuasion in them, just chaos. That urged Rey to run faster, but the current was slowing them down and the darkness was everywhere and they had nowhere to run, ultimately. She pushed herself anyway. She wasn't giving up. Now she and Ben ran side by side, both struggling, both straining towards something, she wasn't sure what.

And then it was gone. The nearest thing Rey had to describe it was waking up, but she wasn't back in her room. It was just a grey-blue mist and a soft white light and quiet. Not the empty quiet of the black ocean but the gentle quiet of sleeping things. She was soaking wet, and so was Ben, and the moment they stopped running he crumpled to the ground, his limbs curling inward, emotions hitting her with their full force. She tried to stay standing, but she had no strength either, so she sank down next to him, panting.

She was so dizzy and confused and frightened that she didn't notice at first when his sobs started, tearing harsh out of his throat. He sounded completely broken, and Rey identified his feelings as ones of loss.

"Rey," he said softly, and she understood and wrapped her arms around his crouching figure and pressed her face into his soaking shoulder blade. He was shaking, the sobs and the cold rendering him helpless, but he put his arms around her and clung to her shirt.

The weight of it all hit her, of what had just happened, of where they were, of the dark and the voices and how close she'd come to listening. And how alone it had been without him, without anyone, and no Light to go back to. She couldn't be alone again, she couldn't. Her throat closed up and she burrowed further into Kylo's shoulder, holding on tight in case he somehow vanished again. He smelled like water and smoke and wool.

"I couldn't feel you," she said quietly.

He didn't answer that either, but his hands stilled on her back and she felt understanding from him. She wanted to talk to him, she wanted to know what happened, but neither of them were really able to talk, so instead she closed her eyes and nudged his mind gently with hers.

He froze, and she sensed nervousness, but then he sighed and tightened his grip on her and the barriers around his thoughts went down.

With the bond, it felt like they shared one mind. Rey saw everything the Force had said to him and what Snoke had done to him and all the thoughts raging through his head – _what will I do where will I go what now there's nothing it's just me it's just this what else is there_ – and how he hadn't wanted to see her hurt and how frightened he was that he would still go back. She knew he was seeing what she'd heard, too, how terrified she'd been when she thought he was gone, how badly she wanted to be able to save them and never have to be alone again.

It was horrible, being this open to him, but he was there and he was alive and a small, weary part of her was exuberant because he had rejected the thing in the Dark after all and he was here with her instead. And she knew he knew that too.

 _I've spent the last ten years of my life trying to make myself accept the Dark Side,_ Kylo thought, despair tinging every corner of his mind. _I didn't think it would be like that._

The feeling came back again, his memory of the Dark's intent.

 _I know._ Rey wasn't sure what else to give him, but she felt that that was okay.

 _What do I do now?_

 _I don't know._

 _You were right not to listen to it, Rey._ _It just wanted to destroy everything, you and the people you love included. It's not interested in saving anything._

 _I know, but… But it was hard not to listen,_ Rey thought wearily.

 _Trust me, I know._

They clung to each other in this strange halfway place, breathing in time, feeling almost safe in each other's arms and thoughts, until they felt the bond fading. Both of them held onto it as long as they could – they didn't want to be alone again.

* * *

 **A/N: The poem at the beginning of this chapter is PERFECT for the last chapter and this one. It's from Inheritance by Christopher Paolini. Also, that little line "not with a bang but a whimper" is from T.S. Elliot's "The Hollow Men" which I highly recommend reading - somehow it fits this fic.**

 **What a set of important monsters these two chapters are, like wow. Yeesh. For those interested, I brought a lot of my own faith and some other books and some philosophy and other various stuff into these chapters.**


	19. Chapter 19: Find

19\. Find

Rey bolted upright on her bunk, fingers tangled in her blanket. Her quarters were dark and still and the same as they'd ever been, but they felt threatening. Every shadow seemed to be watching her, and the sound of her own breathing echoed back to her in the darkness. She reached out for the Force, hoping it wouldn't be changed. It wasn't, and it seemed to hum comfortingly as it wrapped around her, but that didn't help much. She didn't feel Ben anymore and she needed him back, because he was alone, far more alone than she was. What if the Darkness came for him again? What if he just couldn't cope with the fact that everything he'd done for so long had been for nothing? That thought, and her own fear, spurred her to scramble out of bed, yank on her shoes, and run out of her quarters to find Leia. It was the middle of the night, she knew that, but she couldn't wait.

She found Leia sitting alone in the cafeteria with a cup of caf, her grey hair cascading down her back, dressed in a simple white robe. She looked ethereal and in control, like she always did, but Rey also saw sadness and weariness in the lines of her face. Maybe Leia, too, was just being who everyone needed her to be – maybe she understood more than Rey would have thought.

"General?" she said softly. Leia turned so fast to look at her that Rey stopped walking for a moment. The sudden expression of fear on Leia's face alarmed her.

"Is he gone?" Leia stood, taking a few steps towards her. This woman wasn't a general. She was just a mother, Rey realized, a mother who was deeply afraid for her son. "I felt a disturbance in the Force."

"No, he isn't," Rey said, and then it hit her. She could stand here and tell Leia that her son had faced the darkness and had rejected it. She could tell her that Ben Solo wasn't dead, that there was finally a chance for them to reach him. She swallowed, elation giving her a rush. For a moment, she could forget how afraid she was. "He's not gone, Leia."

Leia's face softened and her lips trembled, then she slowly sank down onto one of the benches. Rey followed suit, sitting next to her. "What happened?" Leia asked gently, and Rey poured out the whole story from her own dream and what she'd seen and how Ben had shown her what happened to him.

Leia took her hand as she explained and held on tight, and it was a relief to have her grounding presence there. When Rey finished, Leia waited a moment before responding. When she did, she sounded shaky. Rey was used to Leia knowing exactly what to do, so this vulnerability was intimidating. "I'm sorry, Rey. I've put so much pressure on you when you needed someone to support you." Rey hadn't expected that at all.

"It's okay," she said uncomfortably. "I have Finn."

Leia smiled wryly. "You do indeed. Still, I should have been helping you, not putting so much responsibility on your shoulders all at once." She shook her head, sighing. "You're sure that was all real?" she asked, carefully, hopefully. "He wasn't tricking you, that was a real vision?"

"I'm sure," Rey said. She'd never been more sure of anything. She'd never forget how that place felt.

"So…" Leia let out a breath and slumped a little, and Rey understood when she didn't say anything else for a few minutes. It was a lot even for her, and she'd experienced it. She couldn't imagine how it must feel for Leia to hear that there might be hope for her son after all. "He's alone, then," Leia said slowly.

"Yes, and I… I think we should bring him back here," Rey said. "I don't think he should be alone."

"I'm not letting him come here," Leia said frankly. "No one would ever accept it, and I won't risk the Resistance like that."

Rey started to argue, but Leia stopped her. "But I think we should go to him."

"We?" Rey had hardly dared to hope she'd be allowed to leave, much less that Leia herself would want to go too. "You mean leave the Resistance to find him?"

"That was implied, yes."

Rey tamped down her excitement and relief. "But what will they do while you're gone? They need you!"

"Why do you think I've kept your friend Poe around so long?" Leia shook her head fondly, knowingly. "He's sharp and he knows what to do. I have to see how he does in charge somehow. This is the best way to find out if he's really up to it."

Somehow Rey hadn't expected that either: one of her best friends was being trained to replace General Leia Organa? She nodded, suddenly incredibly excited for Poe. And maybe if Leia was gone, Finn could tell Poe about his problems and Poe could do something about them.

And then she realized, with a sinking feeling, that she had no idea where Kylo was. They couldn't help him, even though they wanted to, until they could actually find him. She expressed as much to Leia.

"You've had no clues?" Leia said, standing and beginning to twist her hair into a bun. Rey saw she was resolved to start planning now, and she quickly stood too. "He hasn't said anything?"

"No, he… he's somewhere where he can buy plenty of things. New clothes, a set of pens…" And then Rey remembered and she almost laughed out loud. "I need to get a book and go to the library."

"You have an idea?"

"I might," Rey said, praying Ben's birds had been documented by someone else.

"I'm going to make plans with Poe," Leia said, drinking the last of her caf in a few quick gulps. "I want to leave as soon as possible. In the morning, if we can."

Rey started to say "may the Force be with us," but she wasn't sure how she felt about that anymore. Instead, she just nodded and rushed out of the cafeteria and back to her bunk.

She knew she was avoiding things again, but it was so much easier to just focus on what she had to do. She got Ben's book and ran down the corridors of the base, letting the Force guide her to the library.

It was not a big library, according to Leia, but in Rey's estimation, it was massive. There were rows of holocrons in half of it, and shelves of proper books in the other half. Small orb-shaped droids hummed around the library to search out information for people. As Rey opened the door, the lights of the library flickered on and three droids activated, buzzing helpfully over to her.

She flipped open Ben's book to the right page. "I need to know about these birds," she said, running a finger over the drawing and the column of writing.

The droids beeped and peeled off in separate directions, leaving Rey to sit down at a table alone and wait. She didn't want to be still, but she tried. She opened Ben's book to her favorite page, a page that talked about the life cycle of a particular desert flower, and read over it before closing her eyes and trying to find the feeling of life and death, of the balance between them. But she found herself gravitating towards the Light instead of the balance, afraid of seeing any hint of the dark presence from her vision. She refused to think about that, because it felt better this way. It felt better refusing to let any of the dark back in.

If that was what the Jedi were afraid of, she didn't blame them. Maybe before she'd just been too comfortable with the Dark to want to let go of it; maybe the Jedi were right and it was better to let balance take a back seat to protecting life from that thing in the Dark. She understood, in a way, how Luke had seen such darkness in his own nephew and felt tempted to end it – if she thought she could save everyone from feeling such fear and loss, would she?

She shook her head and tried to push all that to the back of her mind. Balance. The Force. Light. She could do this, it wasn't that hard.

The droids interrupted her. Two of them had come back, each carrying a book, and she grabbed them and set them down on the table. "Thanks, you two," she said.

They beeped cheerily and zoomed away. She opened both books and started flipping through the first. It didn't have many pictures, making it tricky to find anything. It was organized by planet, too, so she just had to go slowly and search for anything that said "all the animals here have red eyes." She was about halfway through the book when the third droid came back, beeping apologetically to say it hadn't found anything. She nodded, smiling. "It's fine." It zoomed off after its counterparts, somehow looking dejected, and she went back to her reading.

Finally, she found something promising in the pages of Outer Rim planets:

 _BATUU_

 _This planet did not prove viable for permanent human settlement; however, we did obtain some samples of local flora and fauna. Most interesting are the mammals, as they all seem to share red eyes. We believe this is due to the long, dark Batuu nights – this planet has no moons and a thick atmosphere that makes it hard to see the stars. The animals we have seen so far are largely nocturnal, especially the snow tagerins._

Rey grinned and set the book to one side, leaving it open. That entry sounded right to her, but she decided to check the other book to be sure.

This book was chock-full of detailed drawings, some in color, some not, and Rey wished she had more time to look at it. It was organized alphabetically by species, so she flipped to the page on "snow tagerins."

 _Native to Batuu. See also: takka birds, vulptresecs, yshek beetle, felupisi_

Takka birds sounded promising, so Rey thumbed forward about a dozen more pages until she found the entry next to a drawing that looked exactly right. A bird with scraggly grey feathers, three red eyes, and dark blue legs.

 _Takka birds have a distinctive presence in the Force and an eye for danger – some suggest their third eye actually gives them a form of Force sight. They seem to be creatures of habit to such an extreme that they refuse to adapt to dangerous environmental conditions. …_

 _Native to Batuu._

Rey grinned and closed both books, expelling small clouds of dust into the air. Batuu. She had no idea where that planet was, but she did know if it was documented, they could get there. Kylo definitely shouldn't have given her this book – although he'd probably be glad he did once she showed up. Right? She hoped.

No time to worry about that now. It was better to be safe than sorry, so Rey clutched Ben's book to her chest and ran back out of the library. The base seemed to have woken up: more lights were on, a few maintenance people were rushing around, and Rey could sense a flurry of energy pulsing through the halls like the blood in her veins. Leia hadn't wasted a second.

That was even more apparent as Rey came to the command center. Leia, still in her nightgown, was leaning against a round table, her eyes steely grey as three of her advisors talked feverishly at her. Poe was standing nearby, completely dressed as if he hadn't just been asleep. BB-8 was rolling anxiously around his legs and beeping rude things about Kylo as loud as he could. Rey wandered over, suddenly self-conscious. Poe undoubtedly hated this. He'd hate her for it. BB-8 definitely wasn't pleased with her, because he refused to even beep at her. She didn't blame him.

"General, this is reckless," Commander D'Acy said anxiously. Rey liked her – she was a personable woman who had very firm faith in things: the Resistance being number one among those things. "We can't afford to have you halfway across the galaxy right now. You'll be vulnerable. I hate to say it, but you haven't forgotten… Kylo Ren did… He did kill Han Solo. Why wouldn't he kill you?"

"I'm aware of that, Commander," Leia said calmly. "But I will not be alone. Rey plans to come with me. As I told you, she has seen that my son" – Rey saw this made several people shift uncomfortably – "does not wish to harm either of us. I intend to leave Commander Dameron in charge while I am gone, however long that may be."

"That vision may have been a trick," Captain Dechoy said fiercely. She was a young, easily-irritated woman who seemed to like everyone and yet have patience for no one. "How do we know that wasn't some elaborate scheme on Kylo Ren's part? You could be walking right into a trap."

"I don't think it was," Poe said lazily, glancing over at Rey with a look of begrudging acceptance on his face. "If Rey says she knows it was real, then it was real."

"And I know he won't hurt me," Leia said. "When the command center on the cruiser was shot out, I felt him. He was going to be the one to shoot me, but I felt him choose not to."

This set off a new round of protests, which Rey didn't think were much easier to answer than the last. She sidled over to Poe, not looking at BB-8, who only sounded more and more incensed as the conversation went on. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, not wanting to meet his eyes. She liked Poe a lot. He was funny and smart and easy to talk to. And she knew he hated Kylo and she knew Kylo had tortured him horribly.

"For what?" Poe said flatly, arms crossed. He looked so comfortable – stars, she'd hardly ever seen him ruffled. He was almost as good as Leia at seeming in control of himself.

"For… Well, for all of this. For Kylo. For… for talking about helping him, I guess."

Poe glanced at her. He looked angry, and Rey wasn't sure whether or not that was aimed at her. "I kriffing hate him," he said. "I don't want to help him. I want to see him in front of a firing squad where he can't escape."

Rey felt very small. "I'm sorry," she said again.

"I don't understand why you care so much what happens to him," Poe continued, and a muscle in his jaw jumped. "I don't understand why you and the General want to cross the entire kriffing galaxy to comfort that piece of shit."

"She _is_ his mother."

"And where does that leave you? Why does he matter so much to you?" He dropped one arm to his side and ran his other hand through his curly hair. "So he refused to turn totally to the Dark Side, big deal. He's still a killer."

Rey nodded. She had nothing to say to him, and she was tired. It had been too much tonight already, and at this point she didn't even want to try to defend Kylo. She just wanted to get on a ship and go to him. Forget trying to convince the Resistance this was a good idea – why couldn't they just go? "I'm really sorry, Poe. But I… I have to do this. I have to try. I feel like it's the right thing to do."

"I don't understand," he told her again. Then he sighed heavily and shook his head. "But I do understand feeling like you have to do what's right. Just don't expect everyone else to go along with it."

"Okay." Rey sighed. Maybe that was the best she would get from him. And as much as it would hurt, maybe that was all she had the right to expect from anyone.

"I've told you the plans I expect to be implemented while I'm gone," Leia said firmly. Rey glanced over at her. She admired how Leia could just _say_ things and no one dared argue. "I'm going. In two hours. That will give you time to ask any questions you may have."

Everyone muttered, but Leia had used The Tone. That was what Finn called it, the way she spoke when she was done arguing. She didn't do it often, but every now and again The Tone came out and then everyone stopped talking. Sometimes Rey thought she put a little of the Force into her words when she did that.

"Rey, I suggest you pack and explain to your other friends," Leia said, and Rey could swear the woman was trying not to grin. "We're leaving at 0600."

Rey nodded, glancing over at Poe again. He dipped his head in acknowledgement and forced the barest of a smile. "Stop freaking out, Rey," he said tiredly, finally straightening up and stepping towards her. He patted her on the shoulder. "I don't hate you, okay? I'm barely even mad at you, which is stupid. How can I not be mad at you," he grumbled. "We like you. We don't understand why you're so hopeful all the time, and we've definitely had conversations about this whole Kylo Ren thing because it's freaky, but we trust you. Okay? I trust you."

Rey let out a soft breath. "Thanks." That meant more than she'd expected it would. She'd spent a lot of time worried about how they all felt about her bond with Kylo, and of course it wasn't good, but nothing felt so reassuring as hearing "we trust you" from Poe's lips.

And, looking back at Leia again, she felt a surge of relief. Soon she'd be able to see Ben, to talk to him, to help him. Soon she'd know for sure if he was okay. Soon she wouldn't feel so frightened and alone and scared of the dark.

* * *

 **A/N: Okay but can you imagine having a super traumatic experience alone in the dark and the you wake up and you're alone and in the dark still? *shivers* Not fun. I didn't realize how long this chapter got? But I have more plans which is exciting.**

 **Fyi, literally everything about Batuu except the name and the fact that it's a place where people can hide from the First Order is made up by me, so I'm having fun with the world building.**

 **Poe is super mad at Kylo but dangit when actual cinnamon roll Rey says she's gonna go help him you can't even be that mad at her because all she ever wants is for everyone to be okay. If anything Poe's mad at her for trusting so easily. I feel like later he's gonna go yell about it to Finn for like three hours. They can be angry together. Cathartic experience really.**

 **I gotta stop posting this late at night, honestly, but this story's got me reallllly hooked. It just means a lot to me.**

 **Thanks to all of you for your amazing comments, especially those of you who I can't reply to!**


	20. Chapter 20: Dark

20\. Dark

Kylo Ren woke up alone, in the dark, on the floor. He was covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and something deep in his bones ached. Feeling panicked, he scrambled to his feet and spun around, watching the corners, slamming up shields around his mind. The dark had never left him since he was seventeen years old, and he'd never been so afraid to reach out to the Force before. Although he knew, logically, that he could control how he used the Force, the knowledge that the Dark Side was a presence with an awareness of him made it hard to think straight. He had nowhere to go, and yet he wanted to run. His house felt like it was watching him, but just the thought of opening the door made him feel sick. Outside there was wide open space for days, just the grass and the hills and the town. Oolism's house was close by, but he couldn't go barging in there in the middle of the night. Maybe he could go to town, though, and go to a bar. There would be light and noise and people there. Something other than his stupid dark house.

But the idea of opening that door and trekking through the hollow night was too daunting, so instead he grabbed some of his supplies and started building a fire. There was a divot in the middle of his house's floor specifically for that purpose, and he'd gotten good at it. With his hands busy, he could pretend they weren't shaking, and he almost managed not to look over his shoulder more than once. Almost. He kept feeling as though something was behind him, even though the Force would have alerted him if something actually was. He couldn't trust anything anymore, nothing but himself and Rey. Stars, maybe not even himself.

The fire started with a soft hiss and pop, and Kylo put a few more sticks over the flames. The soft golden light made him feel a little safer, that and the waves of heat and the gentle crackling. He tugged his legs up to his chest and stared into the center of the fire. He still didn't feel comfortable with the feeling of empty space at his back, but he tried to ignore it. He could be stronger than this.

He had wasted his entire life. That was what was circling in his head mostly, beyond the feeling of panic. Ten years he'd spent suffering, trying to do everything Snoke told him, pushing himself to do things he'd never though capable of, for the sake of something that wanted nothing more than to rip him and everything else into dust. Where did that leave him? He was afraid to think about it, and maybe now wasn't the best time, but there was nothing besides those thoughts but him and the fire and the dark.

His mother had once told him that there were some things you could risk everything for. There were things you could die for, kill for, sacrifice for. He'd understood from a young age that sometimes you had to put those things above the people you loved. For Leia, it was the Republic. For Han, it was his own endeavors. For Luke, as it turned out, it was the Jedi Order. And as long as you chose the right thing to live for, you could accept a little pain and a little sacrifice because it would all be worth it, someday.

Kylo had chosen wrong. He felt sick acknowledging it, but he had. The Dark was supposed to make it worth it. He was supposed to end up with power and security and independence. That was what he'd believed, but he'd been let down again, and his choice had resulted in this: him sitting in the dark, alone, abandoned, useless. He had nothing now, not a prayer, not an excuse. He had spent the past eleven years killing for nothing.

And that was so terrifying that he had to push himself to his feet and start pacing. He needed to occupy his mind with something else because this was too much. He pushed himself to find something else to think about, anything, and as it tended to do these days, his mind landed on Rey.

He wished she were here, and not because she'd know what to do more than him, or because she had some answer that he didn't, but because he wanted her. Wanted to talk to her about nothing at all, wanted to have her sitting by the fire with him, where they could just be connected. She made him feel safe, however childish that might be. He knew where he stood with her, mostly because she always told him, and an irrational part of him thought she could protect him from the darkness.

And really, maybe she could, because even after he showed her the depth of his darkness and dragged her into his hellscape, she'd stayed. She'd stayed and she'd wanted to be close to him, to see more of him. That scared him in a way, but also he couldn't stop thinking about it. Who did that? What was it about Rey that made her so hopeful and forgiving? He'd never understood how people could be like that, much less in the face of the thing he'd met in the Dark.

He wasn't like that, he could never be, and it wasn't worth trying to pretend otherwise.

"Boy, are you a conflicted mess."

Kylo leapt to his feet faster than he'd ever thought he could, flinging out his hand to summon his saber and whirling to face whoever had spoken. Even as the saber smacked into his hand, he found himself reevaluating his response. The speaker was just a man, shorter than him, with long hair and a scarred face. He was dressed like a Jedi and glowed, so Kylo put two and two together and snapped, "You're a Force ghost."

"Yeah, I guess, if you wanna call it that," the man said, shrugging. "Not very flattering, that name."

"If you're here to gloat and tell me I screwed up, don't. Trust me, I'm aware," Kylo said bitterly, sitting back down with the saber still in hand. The Jedi were probably all laughing at him right now, Luke the loudest. The ghost sat down too, cross-legged and nodded.

"Good thing I'm not here for that. That isn't what you need to hear. I'm Anakin." The ghost held out his hand, but Kylo didn't take it. This had to be some great cosmic joke. _This_ was Anakin Skywalker? "Okay…" Anakin said, retracting his hand and crossing his arms. "I'm not surprised – I think I'm a little bit of a disappointment, right?"

"No," Kylo managed. "I just don't want you here."

"Oh, well that's easier." Anakin grinned at him, and Kylo wanted to punch him in the face. "You were always asking for my help, so here I am. I noticed you figured out the true power of the Dark Side on your own."

"You could say that," Kylo growled. How many times had people held up Darth Vader as an example of what not to be, what to be, what belief and the Light Side could do, what the Dark Side could do? And here he was, just a young man with a questionable sense of humor, and Kylo wanted (irrationally) to shout at him. How could he show up now and act like Kylo hadn't been through a thousand things trying to live up to his name and legacy?

"Look, Ben… Can I call you Ben? It's better to avoid those names we gave ourselves," Anakin said wryly. "They're very pretentious."

"I don't think I can stop you."

"Mm, no." Anakin laughed, then got serious and rested his elbows on his knees. "You have an opportunity I never did, Ben. I envy you." Kylo snorted. An opportunity. He felt as if his entire world had ended and he was barely hanging on to a few true things, and a ghost was talking to him about opportunity. "I mean it," his grandfather pressed, "I know I sound like Luke. My son is a bit preachy – he got it from his masters."

Kylo could swear he felt a sudden sense of offense from someone, but it was just him and Anakin in the house. "You do sound like him. So what's the point of this?"

"I made a thousand choices I'm not proud of, Ben. Ones that I still choose not to dwell on. And I refused to listen to everyone who'd ever cared about me telling me I should do differently until it was almost too late. I almost lost my son."

Kylo had a bitter thought that he wished Luke _had_ died, but he kept that to himself. "So this is a cautionary tale," he said dismissively. "'Don't do what I did or you'll regret it,' kind of thing."

"No, this is literally what happened to me," Anakin snapped, suddenly angry. "Pay attention. It was my life and it was shit. The only good part was Padme and I killed her, so let's talk about you."

Kylo blinked and leaned back. He hadn't expected such venom from a Force ghost, although maybe since that ghost was Darth Vader, it made sense. He looked away from Anakin into the fire, unsure what to say. "Sorry," he tried.

"Fine. I'm going to keep this short and simple because I have other places to be and you seem to do best when people give it to you straight. Here's the deal: you have a chance to make things right, move on, and live a good life with people who actually care whether you live or die. Stars, that girl Rey has already put up with more of your shit than you have the right to expect from anyone. So don't you dare waste your time pretending you can do this on your own, because you can't, and if you try you'll just be miserable." Nodding, Anakin stood and crossed his arms. "I think that's all I had to say."

"Okay, wait." The prospect of Anakin leaving without answering any of his questions (and perhaps worse, leaving him alone in the dark again) spurred Kylo to his feet too, and he realized he was still holding his saber. He crossed his arms too. It was absurdly satisfying being taller than the man who people had held up to him as an example his whole life. "That's it, is it? I mean okay, fine; but I want to know something."

"What?" Anakin said, and his tone softened and he let his arms drop to his sides. There was something about his eyes that let Kylo know he was far older than he appeared.

"Who…" Kylo struggled to find the words he needed. He'd looked up to this man for so long, probably for the wrong reasons, and he'd spent his whole life chasing his legacy. But honestly, he didn't even know who Anakin was, much less where that left him. "Who am I supposed to be now?"

"I don't know, Ben," Anakin huffed, although he looked fond. "That's up to you. I'm kind of hoping you come up with something that's kind of badass, kind of chill. That seems like the Skywalker thing to do. But seriously, you should know the only name you have to live up to is your own. Mine's kind of a mess. You're not much like either of your parents, except where it counts, and honestly Luke doesn't need any more people trying to be like him."

This time Kylo almost heard someone saying "hey!" behind him.

"You're a mess, Ben," Anakin said, smiling as if he knew some grand joke. "But that seems to run in the family."

Kylo blinked, and Anakin was gone, leaving him on his feet. Alone. He slowly sat down and leaned back in towards the fire. He wasn't going to be sleeping anymore tonight.

* * *

 **A/N: Guess who could've had this posted last night but decided to try a reasonable posting time? This girl! I also waited because something felt off to me about parts of this chapter and I figured I should revisit it and do some overhauling later on. Now I'm pretty happy with it.**

 **I actually also reposted chapter 16 because that was the one chapter of this fic I didn't like to go back and read. I have a policy that if the writing's bad enough I don't want to reread it then I did something wrong when I posted. It isn't drastically different, I changed some things tonally so it was more serious and in character.**

 **Also I changed my username, as you may have noticed! It matches my Tumblr, so if any of y'all wanna find me that's where I'll be. I post mostly Marvel and Star Wars - a lot of Reylo and Steve Rogers stuff and angst.**

 **Still not loving my Lit professor. He says we should act like he's our CEO and we're the employees, which really gets me. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt anyway, though.**

 **Please review! Or don't, that's fine too, just know that I love all of you and you're super cool!**


	21. Chapter 21: Meetings

21\. Meetings

Rey stared out the cockpit windows at Batuu, feeling strangely nervous. She could only see clouds and gold – Leia said the planet's atmosphere was so thick and gaseous that you couldn't see through to the surface. Leia was piloting, because she said Rey was too reckless. She hadn't spoken most of the way there, leaving Rey to occupy herself with the few porgs still living on the ship and her own thoughts.

She and Leia had a very vague plan as far as finding Kylo. They'd discussed it, and even Leia hadn't been able to make a plan beyond asking around and using the Force. They'd had a similar gut feeling about where to land, but Rey wasn't even sure that was reliable. She just had to hope.

Not that that was new to either her or Leia.

Their descent was bumpy, but they met no interference. Leia wasn't bothered by this. "They're pretending they aren't here," she said simply, when Rey asked about it. "They don't have a defense strategy. This is a planet of runaways and refugees, so they defend themselves by hiding."

"How are we supposed to find anyone then?" Rey asked.

"They're not going to go on full lockdown over this. Everyone in the galaxy knows this ship."

Rey just took Leia's word for it. She didn't understand the politics of these things and she was still figuring out what kind of terms the Resistance was on with most of the galaxy. Leia could worry about the technical stuff – Rey just wanted to see Kylo.

Rey ended up having to actually land the Falcon, as Leia proved to be bad at that part, so Rey maneuvered the freighter down into an open field and set them down perhaps… rougher than she had intended. Still, it was better than Leia could have done and the ship wasn't damaged, so she counted it a win.

She got her staff and her knapsack from the compartment she'd placed them in, then they both left the Falcon. Leia didn't bring anything with her but a blaster, which Rey didn't understand. That was such a risk, carrying no food or supplies. How did anyone do that? Thankfully, Rey was carrying enough for them both until they could buy some more. Leia, she knew, at least kept credits on her – but Rey had a few items they could trade, failing that.

There was a small town nearby, which looked large and nice to Rey even though she'd plenty of larger cities since leaving Jakku. It was made up of crooked grey stone buildings, most not very tall, and looked as if it was crumbling in on itself. Around it, soft green-grey grass grew undisturbed, and beyond the town and looming in the distance were ice-capped mountains. Rey still found herself in awe of mountains. It seemed impossible in some ways that something that big existed anywhere.

And over all of this, something she'd never seen before but that enchanted her immediately, was the golden sky. The planet's sun was only a brighter round shape in it, and didn't hurt her eyes, and even the few grey clouds looked somehow magical. What would it be like to live under a sky like that all the time?

"Rey, come on," Leia said, and Rey looked down and caught the general smiling before she beckoned shortly. "We have to get started."

Rey nodded, then as they walked, reached out with the Force. She felt a little wary of the Force still, which made it harder, but she got a sense of the planet's life, of small creatures sleeping below her in the earth, and of something familiar. In this place, she decided familiarity was her best bet, so she gestured in the direction of the town. "We need to go that way, I think."

"I got that sense too," Leia said.

So naturally, they started walking. Rey couldn't help stealing sidelong glances at Leia as they went – she was wearing cargo pants and a blue shirt with a holster slung low on a belt around her waist and her hair in one simple braid. This was the first time Rey had ever seen her in something that didn't have a skirt and didn't look regal, and she finally understood what people were talking about when they described Princess Leia's fighting in the days of the war with the Empire. This Leia wore no jewelry and walked like she owned the world. Rey finally understood how this woman could possibly have ended up with Han Solo, of all people.

They didn't meet anyone on the way into town, although Rey saw some blue wolf-like animals watching them from on top of a hill. They had red eyes, like Kylo had said. The grass and earth under her feet was soft and springy. She still wasn't used to grass and was a little amazed by it – this grass was so long it went halfway up her shins and brushed her ankles. She had a sudden desire to start dancing through it, but suppressed it – she was with General Leia on a serious mission. They had no time for dancing in the grass.

It didn't take them long to reach the first buildings of the town, and Rey hiked her knapsack up higher on her shoulders. Thieves were common in every city, but in a place like this, they were likely to be everywhere.

She glanced at Leia, planning to say something, but Leia had placed her hand in her pocket defensively, so Rey let it go. Now she could see people, all walking with a kind of furtive grace, like cats. They were watching Rey and Leia, but not as if they were afraid. Some even seemed to recognize Leia, but no one approached them.

Rey, attuned as she was to the Force, sensed a small mind near her, and turned just in time to catch a little girl reaching up towards the opening of her knapsack. The child froze, staring at Rey, and Rey smiled a little because she'd seen dozens of children like her on Jakku. She'd been like this girl.

"Hi," Rey said.

The little girl blinked, looked around like she wanted to run, and dropped her hand to her side.

Rey crouched down, slinging her knapsack off her back. "I have a question, and if you know the answer, I can give you a few portions. Does that sound good?"

The girl's eyes widened and she nodded vigorously. "What do you need to know?" she said.

"Well, first of all, what's your name?" Rey asked. She knew that if, when she was a scrawny, starving child on Jakku, someone had cared enough to ask for her name, she would have remembered it forever.

The girl shifted awkwardly, and her weary little face lightened. "I'm Tess."

"Hi, Tess. I'm Rey. I'm looking for a man, I wonder if you could just tell me if he sounds familiar."

Tess' face closed off, although she still looked hungry. "We're not supposed to tell," she said warily. "We aren't supposed to talk to people. It could get us killed."

Rey glanced back at Leia, who was just standing a bit behind her, letting her take the lead. "Do you know who that is, Tess?" she asked, kindly.

"An old lady," Tess said snarkily.

"Well, yeah," Rey answered, trying not to laugh and not quite succeeding. "But she's also Princess Leia."

If Tess had seemed shocked when Rey offered her food, now she looked like she'd been struck by lightning. " _She's_ Princess Leia?" she whispered, like she hoped Leia wouldn't hear her. She hesitated, then scratched her head and said slowly, "Okay, who are you looking for?"

"I'm looking for a really tall man with long black hair. He has kind of a big nose and a scar on his face."

Tess looked wary again immediately, taking a small step back. She wrinkled her nose. "Why do you want to find _him_?" she asked petulantly.

"It's important Resistance business," Rey said, internally wincing at how patronizing that sounded.

Tess scowled, like she knew what bullshit that was, but reluctantly said, "Yeah, I think I've seen him. I don't like him."

"Fair enough. Where can we find him?"

"I know where he lives," Tess said. "I can show you. But you should be careful. He's dangerous."

"I think Leia and I can handle him."

"Fine. I can show you. If you give me more food," Tess said slyly.

Rey smiled at the little girl, with her bony elbows and hollow eyes, and nodded. "Tell you what," she said quietly. "I'll give you three portions and leave some with Kylo for you."

"Is Kylo the guy you want to find?"

"Yeah."

"I don't think he'll give it to me." Tess crossed her arms. "I tried to steal from him once."

Rey froze, then nodded carefully. This, then, was the girl Kylo admitted that he wanted to hurt. She felt a surge of protectiveness. "Well, I'm going to be here for a while, so I'll tell you what. If you or your friends are hungry, you can come to me for food, okay?"

Tess looked down. "That's…" _Too good to be true_ , Rey said to herself. She knew. "I don't know."

"Think about it?" Rey said softly. "For now we'll say three portions."

Tess nodded eagerly, and Rey stood up again, pulling her knapsack back up onto her shoulder. Wordlessly, Tess took off running through the streets, and Rey settled into a brisk walk behind her. Leia followed too, muttering quietly, "That was handled well."

"I used to be like her," Rey answered.

"There are a lot of children like that." Leia sighed. "That's why the Resistance has to survive. These people deserve to be able to stop hiding."

Rey nodded, thoughtful. There would always, always be children like Tess and children like her old friend Enric. Enric had starved to death, and Tess was stealing to live. But she wanted Leia to be right. She wanted the Resistance to help children like them.

She kept her thoughts open to the Force as they went through the town, but no one else tried to steal from her. Maybe recognition of Leia and the accompaniment of Tess made them seem less like targets. They wound through several back alleys, through one abandoned house full of cat-like animals, and past a bar until they reached the edge of the town again. Here, finally, the buildings mostly ended and the grass started again. Rey could see a number of squat, rectangular stone buildings, a few with wisps of smoke floating above them. Tess stopped in the grass and pointed towards the nearest building. "That's his house."

Rey sensed she was right. She could feel a tug in the Force, a familiar _knowing_ – he was here. It wasn't like the bond, but she knew if she just walked to that house, she'd see him. Glancing at Leia, she saw from the general's slack face that she felt the same thing. Rey realized that this must be a terrifying experience for her. "Thanks, Tess." She opened her pack and dug through it, selecting three packages of food that she liked. "Here."

Tess grabbed them desperately, met Rey's eyes, and smiled just a little. "Thanks."

"You're welcome."

Tess stuffed the food under her shirt and ran off, leaving Rey and Leia alone at the edge of the town with their emotions. Rey glanced at Leia again. "Can we do this?" she asked softly.

Leia smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. She looked so old. "I don't know." She met Rey's gaze, and her lips trembled. "Does he hate me?" she whispered.

Rey thought back to the way Kylo had talked about his family and his life, and she knew he felt Leia had let him down. But she also knew he didn't hate her. "No."

Leia nodded, and Rey took her hand briefly. "Do you want to do this?" Leia asked.

"He needs us." And Rey needed him. She needed to know he was okay, and she needed to be able to talk to him about what they'd experienced. So she took a deep breath and set off down the worn path in the grass to his house.

She felt vulnerable, somehow, like he was watching her. What if he was angry? Would he forgive her for coming and bringing his mother? Would he want to see her? What if it was all a mistake and he regretted letting her into his head?

Still, she pressed forward on the path, aware that Leia had fallen a bit behind her. She sensed that was on purpose. She wanted to hang back a bit herself, but she knew that would only make it harder.

She could feel him, so close, and she wished he'd come out of his house already, wished she could run straight through the door and be certain he'd welcome her.

And then that door opened and she slammed to a halt, her heart suddenly pounding audibly in her ears. _Let it be him let it be him let it be him._ Oh, R'iia, what if he hated her? She couldn't stand it if he hated her. She just wanted to see him, she-

He stepped through the doorway and stood staring at her. They were still maybe a dozen yards apart, but she still found herself fixating on his eyes. She couldn't tell what he was thinking, and while she could sense his presence, she couldn't feel his emotions. She didn't want to move forward. He was in soft-looking grey clothes and no shoes, a blaster hanging on his belt. All she could think about was the last time they'd seen each other. What if this was like that? What if they were both disappointed again? Part of her wanted to rush forward and grab him and hold on tight, but another part of her wished she'd never come.

Then he took a small step forward, she saw his mouth open, and that was when she started running. She didn't think about it, she didn't wait, she just ran. He took a few more steps and she knew he was saying her name and also asking what she was doing there, but she didn't think about it until she forced herself to stop, right in front of him, and look at him. They were inches apart.

He was all stiff lines and muscles, guarded and austere, but his eyes were softer.

"Ben," she said, simply. She wasn't sure what she was doing.

"Rey," he answered. He didn't seem to want to move. "You're here."

"I am."

"She's here," he said, softer, and she heard the undercurrent of panic and uncertainty in his voice.

"She wanted to come," Rey told him quietly. "She said we should."

Kylo stared at her as if he was looking for something, then nodded. Then he looked past her, at his mother, and Rey stepped to the side, glancing over at Leia, who had stopped a short distance away. She was scared, for both their sakes.

She saw Kylo flex his hand once, just once, and swallow. Then he spoke, his voice loud enough that it seemed to echo against the golden sky.

"Why are you here?"

* * *

 **A/N: I can't tell you how bad I wanted to write that they hugged and maybe kissed but that would be so OOC... I just wanted to. For the record, they both wanted to do the former though. My poor touch-starved, lonely kids.**

 **I wanted her to meet Tess because I wanted to contrast how she and Kylo deal with the same situations. The thing about names is a big deal actually. I mean I have a customer-facing job and I wear a nametag and barely anyone ever notices, so it's like, the best thing in the world if people see my name and then use it.**

 **I'll get this updated ASAP with some angst and maybe some hugs. Love you guys!**


	22. Chapter 22: Son

22\. Son

"Why are you here?"

 _Why now?_

Kylo felt like someone had wrapped a fist around his lungs and started squeezing. His focus narrowed to just Leia, just his mother. He was aware of Rey standing close, waiting to see what would happen, but he just kept staring at _her_.

She was here, and he didn't know what to feel.

She seemed hesitant to walk towards him, but she did. "Because I thought you might... might need me."

Kylo scoffed. That was reflex, mostly, because he certainly didn't need her. He'd learned not to. "Did you?" he asked passively. He pressed back the child in him that wanted to run to her and stood where he was, still and tall. How could she just come here and face him? She'd failed him, so why did it still make him feel so small, her being here? "It has nothing to do with that fact that I killed Han Solo?" _Father._ He knew what he sounded like, harsh and venomous and choking. He glanced at Rey for reassurance and she nodded almost imperceptibly at him. Her presence made him feel able to breathe again for the first time since his vision.

Something about his words seemed to give his mother the strength to walk towards him until they were only a few feet apart. "No," she said quietly, and that _voice_ was the one he always heard when he was very small and he'd scraped his knee or Han had left again. He couldn't breathe, and he wanted to bolt. "It has everything to do with the fact that you're my son."

Kylo stared at her, and for a moment, his thoughts ground to a halt. He hadn't expected that. "I don't... What's that supposed to mean?" he managed. What was she saying? Could she really be suggesting that after everything, she was still willing to call him hers? How could she possibly even _begin_ to say that? He wasn't her son, he hadn't been for years. She couldn't possibly have come here for _him._ There had to be a catch here. Maybe she was just trying to keep him from being angry with her.

"I came because you're my son, Ben, and I was worried about you," she said. He could have stumbled back at the directness of those words. Her _son._ "What's done is done, and believe me, we'll discuss it, but I'm here for you. That's it."

Kylo found himself spitting more poison. "What, are you afraid I'm going to kill you too?" he snapped stubbornly. If he were her, he would be. That was it, surely, the root of this supposed acceptance. "Trying to make me less angry at you?"

"Would I have come if I seriously thought you'd try to kill me?" Leia asked him. For once, she wasn't talking as if she knew everything. She just seemed certain in a frighteningly gentle way.

"I don't know."

"I love you, Ben – I never stopped." Leia took a few more steps, right into his space, and part of Kylo wanted to retreat, but he didn't. Something deep in his chest ached like it was caving in, and he struggled to breathe. Hearing her say she loved him, call him Ben, call him hers, hurt like a broken rib.

He searched helplessly for words, frozen in a limbo of being unable to speak at this impossible thing: his mother in front of him, not hating him, meeting his eyes like she wasn't ashamed of him. "Why?" he asked, and the word came in a heavy exhale and with it, release. He staggered a bit under the weight of it, dropping to his knees like someone had knocked him over, and he felt Leia wrap her arms around his shoulders and pull him into her. She rubbed circles on his back with one hand as if he was still a little boy and he let her, closing his eyes and breathing in the familiar scents of lavender and wool. He couldn't quite let himself cry, but a few tears clung to his lashes when he opened his eyes.

"My boy," she told him, and he realized she was crying, her voice thick and exhausted. "My poor Ben. You were never supposed to have to be alone like this." She combed her fingers through his hair, smiling sadly at him.

Suddenly it was too much, and Kylo forced himself to pull back, to stand up, to shrug her arms away. "I… I can't," he said, and he wasn't sure what he meant, only that he was so _angry_ and he didn't know how to take her words because part of him was raging in bitterness and part of him was in complete shock that she even still cared. He flung Rey a desperate glance, then turned and almost ran back into his house.

He flexed his hands in and out of fists, started pacing, and took long, slow, shuddering breaths. He wasn't sure what he was doing, only that he needed to calm down and find clarity. His gut instinct was to let the anger and bitterness take over and find solace in the darkness that would bring, but now the Dark was a threat hovering at the edge of his mind and he couldn't let it have him. That left him with everything else. And everything else ached.

He couldn't sort through his thoughts, but after a few minutes of alternating between standing and pacing, he sensed Rey and turned to see her in the doorway. "Can I…?" she asked, gesturing at the house.

"Yeah." He nodded, and she walked in and let the door drift shut behind her.

"What are you thinking?" she asked him.

"I'm not sure," he answered. There was too much and he still wanted to cry and he also wanted to hold Rey. He met her eyes and was again amazed to even see her here, in reality. He couldn't believe it, in a way. That was why he wanted to be holding her, wasn't it, not because he needed the reassurance? "I just... How are you even here?"

"I looked up the birds," Rey said, and her smile was very proud – almost smug. Kylo wanted to kick himself the second he realized. Of course, when she found out what the birds were she would find out where they were from. Not that he really regretted it now. He nodded.

"Right."

"Leia's waiting outside, but, um… You shouldn't do this to her," Rey said carefully, and he snorted softly but didn't contradict her. He knew she was just trying to help, but he didn't want to hear it.

"It isn't like she hasn't left me waiting before," he said bitterly.

"And you hated it. I waited thirteen years for my parents to come back for me and they never did, and I…" Rey looked down. "Why would you make her feel like that? I know you care about her."

Kylo knew Rey didn't understand why he wanted to make people feel his pain instead of protecting them from it, like she did. But he didn't say that now – he didn't want to start arguing with her. "I'll go say something," he said, wearily. "But I don't want to talk to her."

"Okay." Rey sat down on his bed like this wasn't strange at all, and Kylo hesitated before walking back out of his house.

His mother was waiting, looking awkward, and he sighed and met her eyes. "I just can't talk to you," he said. "We will talk, just… I can't _now_."

Leia nodded. "I don't expect you not to be angry," she said softly. Her eyes flashed steely for a moment. "Maker, _I'm_ angry. I imagine you'll want to break things, and scream at me, and maybe you'll never forgive me. But please tell me you at least understand that I love you."

Kylo didn't understand. He didn't understand why that was so important to her, he didn't understand how she still loved him, and he didn't understand how he was supposed to react. But he at least knew what she meant, so he nodded hesitantly.

"Can I bring the Falcon here?" Leia asked, then, and there was something strangely… knowing in her eyes.

Kylo didn't want to see that old ship, but he nodded again. He wanted space, he wanted to not have to think about her, just for a bit. He wanted to talk to Rey, to make sure she was here and this wasn't just a dream. "You can park it somewhere over there," he said, gesturing to the wide, open fields near his house.

"I know," she said, smiling a little.

"Right." Kylo didn't know what else to say, so he clenched his jaw, turned on his heel, and hurried back inside. He knew that wasn't the most productive response, but there didn't seem to be anything further to say now.

Rey was sitting on his bed, cross-legged, shoes on the floor like she planned on staying. She was tracing the patterns on his blanket (which were a bunch of concentric circles), and she looked up hopefully at him as he closed the door. "Did you talk to her?"

"Not exactly," he said wryly, walking over and hesitating next to the bed. It was his bed, he could sit on it if he wanted. It was just that Rey was _here_ , actually here, and he could sit next to her and see her and everything else and it was just… too good to be true.

"Is everything okay?" she asked.

He sighed. "She's going to go get the Falcon and bring it here. I don't know how long that means you plan to stay." He hoped Rey understood the question implicit in the statement.

"She's just on her own?" Rey sounded horrified, and Kylo couldn't help but laugh shortly.

"What, you think my mother can't handle herself?"

"Fair enough."

Kylo swallowed and sat down, felt the lumpy mattress dip and saw Rey shift in reaction to it, and that in itself was so foreign to him. It was so calm now. "So you came," he said. He couldn't seem to help fixating on that.

"I had to," she said, folding her hands in her lap. "I just… I didn't have anyone I could really talk to about it and I couldn't leave you alone here after everything that happened."

He nodded. He didn't want to admit how glad he was not to be alone, how it felt like safety to be able to feel her presence instead of being alone with the lurking dark. He also didn't want to let on how badly he wanted to take her hand because he was still a little afraid that if he reached out, she wouldn't be here.

"Did I do right?" she asked him, and she looked at him, scared. "Coming here, bringing Leia, all of it?"

He met her eyes, and although he knew he should say she shouldn't have come, and although he knew he shouldn't be happy either of them were here, he nodded. Because almost anything would have been worth seeing her here, right now. "I think so."

* * *

 **A/N:** **Hey guys, cool news! There is now a Spanish translation of this fic, if you'd rather read it in Spanish! It's done by** **Gizz Malfoy Granger** **and you can find it on their profile - there's one chapter up right now. There's actually a Russian translation as well, which you can find on ficbook dot net translated by** **simple passer** **. This one has 15 chapters up. If anyone else wants to do translations I'm open to it, ALWAYS PROVIDED YOU ASK and I get credit and a link to it. Honestly I can't even believe people wanna translate it, it's crazy to me. XD For the record, I have also been reading comments on the translations (I know, I'm a nerd) and I appreciate them too!**

 **I am so happy I got to write a mini version of the prodigal son in this chapter. Seriously, if you want the best metaphor for God's love of all time, that forgiveness thing, especially between parent and child, is the big one. I cried writing this chapter, which doesn't happen a lot.**

 **Love y'all!**


	23. Chapter 23: Safe

23\. Safe

Rey sighed softly and nodded. "Good." She looked back down at her folded hands and Kylo's blanket, which was dark blue with grey, different-sized circles all over it. She hoped he couldn't tell how badly she wanted to reach out to him somehow – he wouldn't like that, but she just wanted to reassure herself that he was really there. She'd been so lonely for such a long time and with him, that lessened. She just wanted something to be able to chase the loneliness away altogether, and she wanted (in a simple, childish way) to be held.

"Are you doing okay?" she asked, and he huffed out a soft breath and shook his head. His eyes were dull, no fire in them. Rey wondered if hers looked the same.

"No. Are you?"

"I don't know," she said. She'd kept herself so busy that she hadn't really had time to think, and now she was so happy to see him that it was easy to ignore her more daunting emotions. The ones that gave her nightmares, although she was good at dismissing that. "I'm glad to see you," she said quietly. She was a little afraid he wouldn't acknowledge that, and a little afraid he'd scoff at her, but he just nodded.

"I'm glad to see you too," he said slowly, like he was hesitant to say it. He looked so tired.

"Ben, can I… can we…" Rey wanted to talk about what they'd seen, especially what he'd decided, but she was sure he wouldn't want to.

"What?" he prompted, softly.

"Can we just talk? About what's happening?" She was worried he'd say no. "I'm afraid and I don't know what to do."

" _You're_ afraid," Kylo said slowly, and Rey scowled, but he quickly shook his head. "No, I mean I don't understand why. You were… you were right about the Dark Side. Shouldn't you be happy?"

"Well, it's just… I didn't think it was like _that_ ," Rey said. He had a point. His whole ideology had been shattered – hers was only looking stronger than ever. But she didn't _feel_ stronger. She didn't feel right. "I just... I don't know where I stand now any more than I did before, and I'm not even sure I can find the balance anymore."

"The balance?" Kylo looked confused, and Rey sighed.

"You know, Luke's whole thing about the Force being the balance between things."

"He... has a _thing_ about that," Kylo said slowly.

"Yeah?" Rey paused. "So it's new? What did he used to say?"

"He used to tell us to seek out the Light," Kylo said bitterly. "That it would give us peace. The quintessential Jedi dogma. Dark bad, Light good." Rey snorted at his caustic tone.

That made sense, though, when she thought about it. Luke must only have begun thinking about the idea of balance once the Light failed him and Ben. She wondered, then, was the balance actually the right thing to focus on? Or was that Luke trying to cope with something going terribly wrong in his training? She sighed. "He had me find the balance between everything, on Ach-To," she explained tiredly. "I thought that was the Force. And maybe it is, but maybe just the Force isn't enough."

"Are you…" Kylo frowned. "Are you saying you would find the balance when you meditated, not the Light?"

"Yeah. I thought that was the way I should do it, and that's why I was so confused about being a Jedi and rejecting feelings. But now maybe… Maybe the Jedi really are right. I've wondered, but if that's the Darkness, I don't want any part of that."

Kylo looked down. "I see."

He must envy her certainty, she realized, the fact that even if she was confused, the side she'd always championed was, in the end, right after all. And yet still, she felt unsettled and frightened.

"I just… Ben, it was so much. And I wanted… I just don't want to be alone, and I… I know the Dark lies, but…" She didn't want to admit it to him, but she was partly afraid to let any of the Dark back in because she found herself thinking back to the whispers' promises: _We can keep your family safe. All of them._

She couldn't say anything else, couldn't find a way to explain, but Ben looked up and met her eyes with surprising gentleness and understanding. "It still talks to you," he said simply. "Doesn't it?"

Rey looked down, strangely ashamed, even though he was the one person who could truly understand. "I just don't want to lose anyone, Ben. I'm tired of it."

"I know." He sighed, and she saw his fingers open and close against the top of his leg in a tense fist. "I'm not really qualified to say this, but you know they're all lies." He sounded flat and exhausted as he said that, and Rey's heart broke a little for him. He'd been lied to so many times and it never seemed to stop, and she didn't know how to help.

"Ben, I'm… I'm really sorry," she said softly. It was so much easier to push her own fears back and worry about him. The Dark would wait for her (she knew that now).

"I know, but it doesn't matter."

She knew what he meant. It didn't matter that she was sorry, it didn't matter that she wished everything were better for him: he was alone and had nothing either way. She reached out a bit with the Force and felt emptiness and a sense of loss tinging the very air around him. She looked at him, and he was staring down at his clenched hands. There was something defeated in his posture, even though he looked controlled.

She wanted to comfort him. She wanted to tell him everything would be alright, she wanted to tell him he could still turn, she wanted to tell him she understood – anything to make him stop looking like that. But the words wouldn't come, and she was hurting too and not sure she believed everything would be okay. He'd waded so often and so determinedly in the Dark – what if he couldn't be okay now? What if he could never escape it?

So she didn't talk. Instead, she took a quick, soft breath and tucked her arms around his waist, trapping his right arm against his side.

Like he had in her long-ago dream, he went as motionless and rigid as a statue, his breathing stuttering. Rey found that, in some way, this was different than touching him through the bond. Then it was like some part of her brain refused to accept the evidence of her senses, so it had never quite seemed real. Now she _knew_ he was here, knew she was with him, and there was something in that knowledge that made her want to start crying with relief. He smelled like soil and leather.

"Rey…" he began, but he didn't say anything else, and there was something choked about the way he said it that made her think he was trying not to be overwhelmed. He shifted slightly, almost like he wanted to pull away, and she wondered if maybe this was too much. And was he trembling? She thought he was. R'iia, she shouldn't have done this. When his breaths began coming in shaking gulps and quick exhales, she almost let go and scooted away. She'd pushed him too far.

Then she felt him bend, felt him relax, and he rested his chin on the top of her head. He still didn't feel comfortable, but she knew with a sudden flood of relief that she'd done the right thing.

"I'm glad you didn't listen to them," Rey whispered into his shoulder. Somehow it was easier to say that when she wasn't looking at him. Maybe because she was afraid he'd take it wrong, her excitement that he'd decided not to embrace the Dark Side.

He shrugged, which jostled her head uncomfortably.

"I mean…" Rey straightened and let go of him with one arm, leaving her left tucked around him and her head against his shoulder, because she wanted to keep in contact with him somehow. "I was so scared you wouldn't. And then I felt that _thing_ and I thought there was no way you could say no and I didn't want… I didn't want to lose you."

That seemed to surprise him, because he turned his head quickly to look at her, those eyes flickering between fear and hope and something almost like happiness. "We'd have had to fight again," he said neutrally.

"Right," she agreed, then she shook her head a little and said, "But it's not just that." She couldn't articulate the other reasons, she just knew that Kylo made her feel a little less alone, a little more secure. She knew she hated seeing him hurt because he'd been hurt enough in his life.

He nodded, and she could have sworn he leaned into her a little. "How long are you going to stay?" he asked, carelessly.

Rey realized she hadn't thought about it. "I don't know," she answered. "I guess we came to help you, so… as long as you need us?"

Kylo stiffened a little, and Rey could've predicted his response. "I don't need you," he said.

That was a lie, she knew, in the same way it would be a lie if she said she didn't need him, but she didn't point that out. She just tightened her hold on him briefly. She was really here, on another planet, with Ben. And ironically, for the first time since their shared vision, she didn't feel like the shadows were watching her, and she didn't feel like the whispers were lingering in the back of her mind.

It was strange how much this felt like home.

* * *

 **A/N: Hello! This was a slightly longer in coming chapter, I'm sure you noticed - I got stuck on the dialogue for a while and the past two days were like, really hard for me for reasons that are really complicated and I'm not gonna go into. It also needed more editing because it felt really weird to me for a bit and Idk why? Anyway, I'm really hoping the hug lived up to your expectations - thanks to BadWolfGirl01 on AO3 (or on Tumblr she's reyloismyobsession) for helping me get the hug scene just right because I needed that to be good.**

 **There's mixed response on the "multiple POV" question - right now my plan is to keep it almost entirely to Rey and Kylo's POVs, but if I feel that a brief interlude (brief meaning a few hundred words) would serve the story, I'll use one.**

 **I have a plan for the upcoming few chapters as far as the First Order and Leia and all that are concerned and I'll say this: it's not going to be fun. And you may hate how it pans out. But I think it'll be good so we'll see!**


	24. Chapter 24: Speak

_"'If you speak the truth,' the monster whispered in his ear, 'you will be able to face whatever comes.'" - Patrick Ness, 'A Monster Calls'_

24\. Speak

Kylo didn't want to move or speak. He was scared that if he did, Rey would let go of him, and he allowed himself to admit he didn't want her to do that. She'd shifted so her head was tilted against his collarbone, her free arm curled around her stomach.

He wanted to put his own arm around her, but did not, telling himself that that was because she was leaning against it. (Never mind that he could if he really wanted to, and that he didn't because he was afraid of ruining this moment, with her soft and comfortable with him, and with no fighting or confusion, just them.)

"This planet is amazing," she said, and Kylo smiled where she couldn't see because she sounded gleeful and excited, as if she'd discovered the planet's beauty before anyone else.

"It's nice," he said noncommittally. It had been a long time since he really paid attention to how "amazing" a planet was when he visited it – he didn't go places to enjoy them. He had only come here to hide.

"I've never seen a sky this color. It's incredible."

"It makes it really dark here, at night," Kylo volunteered. The sky made the planet's light somewhat soft and dim even during the day – at night, there were no stars to see, and no moons.

Rey made an interested noise, then was silent. Kylo again considered putting his arm around her, and again determined he wouldn't. (He was still afraid of somehow scaring her away.)

The Force was so much gentler around her than it was around him. That wasn't really new information, he just hadn't had the time to consider it. Even when he was little, there had always been something a bit menacing about the Force, something that he couldn't control, like black lightning. The Force that surrounded Rey, though, was soft and light and almost predictable, pulsing in patterns of emotion and thought that had a rhythm. If the Dark was an ocean, this was a still pool with ripples spreading across its surface, a wind-swept pattern on a sand dune. He focused on that feeling of the Force, trying to tap into it himself. He wasn't sure if he succeeded or not because there was a growing, familiar sound of ship engines and he sensed his mother again. He straightened, and Rey did too, pulling her arm back to her side. Pretending that didn't bother him, Kylo pointed to the door. "I guess she's back," he said gruffly.

"She's not great at landing the Falcon," Rey said, making no move to get up. "But it should be fine." She gave him a look that said she was more concerned about his ability to face Leia than she was about his mother's ability to land the ship. "Can you do this? Deal with all this?"

He wasn't sure he could, but he wasn't going to make her regret coming by saying that. So he just nodded and didn't make eye contact for too long – he knew his eyes gave away too much. It was part of why he'd started wearing the mask. Not that that had ever protected him from Snoke.

"You know, I'll get out of your way if you want," Rey said calmly. "If you two need to talk, I can go into the village. There's a kid I promised to bring food to."

"Of course there is," Kylo said, finding himself smiling. She hadn't even been here a day and she'd already promised some urchin food, when he was sure she didn't have enough to be handing it out.

"Her name's Tess." Rey glanced at him, and there was something sharp in her eyes, something searching. Suddenly he felt like she was weighing him against some scale.

"Okay," he said. Outside he could hear the Falcon landing with a much louder sound than it really should have. He ignored it because he was trying to pick out what Rey was saying. The Force didn't help him because all he felt from her was that same rhythm of the Light.

"She said she tried to steal from you once."

The picture fell into place in Kylo's head, and he pressed his lips tightly together, unsure how he was supposed to respond. What Rey had said didn't change much; he knew and she knew that he'd threatened this girl that she was going to bring food to. But now the child had a name – and now he had to face the fact that there really had been no point in threatening her. The desire to hurt her had been like everything else the Dark had led him to; destruction for no reason, passion without purpose. "Oh," he said blankly. "So you're going to bring her food?"

"Yeah." Rey stood up and fiddled with the wraps on her arms. "She and any friends she may have that need it."

He thought he understood. The little girl she'd been, the little girl so desperate to sleep but unable to because of the gnawing pain in her belly, would have given anything for the food he was now able to give out so freely. He stood too, straightened his shirt, and then, impulsively, stuffed his feet into his boots.

They walked outside and met Leia stepping out of the Falcon as if she hadn't had any difficulty with the landing. Kylo kept his arms tense and straight by his sides, because he couldn't control what his face gave away but he could control what he did.

She walked over to them, and for a moment, the three of them just stood there awkwardly. Kylo found himself digging for polite conversation starters that he had learned when he was eight. That didn't help, so he just stood and tried to look like he didn't care.

"I wonder if I could hear about your vision from you," his mother said, crossing her arms. She looked so much older than he remembered her, the lines around her eyes deeper than they used to be, her hair streaked with more silver. "Rey told me, but we were in a hurry."

They'd been in a hurry to come find him. He still wasn't able to process that. "Why?" he said. How could he just tell her what had happened? She had no right to his fears, no right to ask him what he'd seen in the Dark.

"I want to know what happened, how you felt," and although Kylo knew that meant she cared, bitterness rose like bile in his stomach, and he had to stifle the words that so nearly leapt out of his mouth. It was strange having to restrain his anger again, and he remembered why he'd hated it so much. He felt the Force around all of them shift, and suddenly Rey's feelings were very present – not in his head, like during the bond, but nudging at him for his attention. She was intentionally opening her emotions up to him, he realized. His only response was to send his own towards her, to let them speak for themselves.

"You want to know how I felt," he said. _Now_ she wanted to know. She had left him on his own, rarely answered his letters, sent him away to live with Luke, and now she was worried about him? He took a measured step towards her, letting his hands curl into fists. The Dark hummed happily, coalescing in his gut, and he suddenly wanted to be sick.

His mother put her hands on her hips and glanced between him and Rey. Rey's feelings retreated from his head, and he looked at her as she cleared her throat. "I'm going to get some of my things," she murmured, and quickly walked past Leia to the Falcon, her arms cradled around her stomach.

"You want me to tell you what I saw, what I felt," he said lowly, and it was so, so easy to just let the anger burn hot. "I wrote to you for eight years. I told you what was happening to me. You didn't care then – why do you care now?" Because she regretted not caring enough then, he was sure. Her son had destroyed everything she'd valued most in the world. Of course, _now_ she was interested in him again.

"I cared! I always cared!" Leia snapped, eyes flashing. "I want to know what's happening with you. I didn't always write back because I was trying to keep the Republic from collapsing – they needed me."

That hurt, as it always had when he was younger, but he was no longer willing to accept that as a sufficient excuse. "So you told Luke what I said," he spat. He remembered when Luke had started acting differently around him, like he had to be careful of Ben lest he break him. There had been a lot of talks between them about anger. Kylo had allowed himself to tell Luke everything about Snoke. "Do you know what he did?"

"He was going to help you," his mother said softly, almost ashamed as she looked down. "I thought he could help you better than I could."

"He tried to kill me."

She jerked as if he'd just slapped her, her eyes going wide. Kylo wasn't surprised to see she looked shocked – of course Luke had never told her. "He didn't," she whispered.

"He did." Kylo could tell she believed him but didn't want to, so he took another step forward. "He decided I was too Dark to save and he tried to kill me in my sleep. That's why I destroyed his temple. You were supposed to be my mother, you were supposed to-" His breath came short, and he had to pause and struggle for the next words. "-to help me. You were supposed to answer me. I needed you to answer me and you just told Luke to _fix_ me."

Leia's face and arms fell so it was just her, his mother, standing there looking at him. She suddenly looked so weary, and he deflated a little, the Darkness dissipating. He'd hurt her again, badly. But it was partly her fault Luke had wanted to kill him, partly her fault he was like this. And he couldn't let that go.

"I didn't think… I never thought he would so something like that." Her voice was timid, quiet, and she folded her hands in front of her, fidgeting. "Of course I didn't."

"But you told him," Kylo said, feeling heavy, like he couldn't move. "You couldn't just write back to me, you couldn't… you couldn't just come see me." _What did I do wrong?_ he wanted to say. _Why were you always so busy you couldn't talk to me?_

She shook her head, covering her mouth with one hand. Her eyes had gone glassy and Kylo found himself regretting, a bit, how he'd told her. And yet he felt gratified, too, to see she felt guilty.

"I didn't mean to make you feel… I just, there was so much to worry about and no one else to-"

"No one else? You had dozens of advisors. You had Amilyn." His mother's eyes got, if it were possible, emptier. "I didn't have anyone, and I needed you. Han was never there and you were busy, so what was I supposed to do? Then you shipped me off to Luke because I was causing too much trouble and that's when Snoke started talking to me." Now that he let himself think about it, the memories flooded him: days when he'd sat alone in their lavish house with only C3-PO or Chewie for company, playing stupid four-year-old games and trying to lift things with his mind. He'd throw fruit at C3-PO with the Force until the droid scuttled off to sulk. Chewie had generally been more patient, but he also wasn't around as much – he'd usually been off with Han. And when Han was home, it was almost worse, because although he'd talk to Ben and show him tricks and be kind, he'd always, always fought with Leia and then he'd always, always, always left again. So when Ben was five or six, he'd started throwing tantrums. Maybe he'd thought if he caused enough trouble, his parents would forget about fighting to deal with him. Instead, he'd been sent to live with Luke. Not Uncle Luke, who used to teach him how to use the Force to get Han to buy him presents, but Master Skywalker, who told him not to dwell on his anger and made him sit still for ages, listening.

And he had listened, and Snoke had slipped into his open thoughts and told him how _special_ he was, how strong, how much like Vader (who was a much different person than the Anakin Skywalker Luke talked about), how mistreated.

And it had all been for nothing.

"I didn't ship you off!" Leia said desperately. "I just… I thought Luke could-"

"Could help me." Kylo swallowed, gritting his teeth. "He'd barely had any training himself and you thought you'd let him teach me for over ten years. I didn't want to be a Jedi, I wanted you and Han to stop _fighting,_ " he ground out, and he knew this was too much and he knew he was hurting her and exposing himself, and yet he couldn't seem to stop talking. "You left me alone and you… you just…" He stopped. "You could have just written back," he said softly. "I wrote so many letters. Why didn't you write more often? Why didn't you just talk to me?"

His mother shook her head, two tears tracing softly down her lined cheek. "I don't know," she said. "I don't know, Ben, I've asked myself… The Republic was my life's work, and my father's before me. I put so much time into it, and now the Resistance, and maybe… I never meant to make it more important than you or…" She struggled to speak, but Kylo didn't interrupt. He was too tired. "Or Han. And I'm sorry."

Kylo took a deep breath. "Sorry?" he said, and he didn't know how he sounded but he hadn't expected her to apologize because she was his mother, she'd always been right, and she'd always been _sure_ she was right.

Her expression fractured even further, and he realized she must think he was saying sorry wasn't enough. And it wasn't, not nearly, and the anger still curled in the pit of his stomach and he still somehow wanted to shout. But he was tired, and he'd said all he could (he thought), and he realized that she had, essentially, just admitted she knew she'd been wrong.

"Okay," he said quietly, and he let himself relax just a little, let his fists uncurl, and took a step back.

She didn't look any happier, but she did seem relieved. "Okay?" she said, like she wasn't sure that was all.

Kylo nodded and glanced towards the Falcon. "She doesn't have any other things to get," he said. Rey would have brought everything she needed off the ship the second she left it. That was just how she was.

"Of course not," Leia said, already straightening, pulling herself into a semblance of composure, as if she hadn't just been crying. Kylo knew how good she was at that and still didn't understand it.

He had never hated his mother, any more than he'd hated his father. He was just so angry, and he blamed her for so much. How was he supposed to treat her now? How was he supposed to do this?

* * *

 **A/N: Oh my oh my. What a chapter. Angst. I LOVE angst, guys. Do I have a good note this time? Not really. Life's busy, I love my friends, I love writing this fic, I love y'all.**

 **If you guys check out my Tumblr you can see some fanart and writing I do - I tag those "my art" and "my writing."**

 **Please review! :)**


	25. Chapter 25: Night

25\. Night

Rey couldn't sleep. The Falcon made too many noises, creaks and groans and pipes hissing. Every sound felt like someone creeping outside to steal her speeder, pushing aside her makeshift door, coming in to take her portions and water ration, and leaving her with nothing. Of course, that didn't happen anymore, but it seemed she still couldn't make herself sleep without silence.

She was lying on the floor of the Falcon on her bedroll, with one blanket rolled up under her head and another tucked over her legs and torso. She fiddled with the edge of this blanket, starting straight up at the ship's ceiling. Leia had long ago fallen asleep on the Falcon's curved couch, her head pillowed on her arm. She hadn't spoken much after her conversation with Kylo earlier, and Kylo hadn't either. Rey had resorted to clumsy comments about the planet itself, or the flight here. Conversation had not been good. She wished she knew how to make things better – Leia seemed a little as if she balanced on the edge of despair.

Obviously, she wasn't going to be able to sleep like this, so she sighed and sat up, glancing around somewhat nervously. The darkness still felt like it was watching her, but she wanted to find someplace else to sleep, so she rolled her bedroll up, the blankets in it, and tucked it under her arm, walking over to wear she'd set her staff and her pack. She slung the pack over her shoulder, set her staff against her shoulder, and set off wandering the Falcon corridors.

As she'd feared, there didn't prove to be a single place on the entire ship where there wasn't some element of mechanical noise or another. That led her to the door of the ship, and she apprehensively let it down so she could go outside. Maybe she could sleep on the ground near the ship. It wouldn't be the first time she'd slept outside.

The night almost seemed to creep into the Falcon – she couldn't see more than a few feet past the square of light the Falcon's open door created. She tightened her grip on her staff and walked down the ramp, hitting the button on her way out so it would close behind her. She didn't like to cut off her way back into the ship, but she wasn't leaving it open for anything to get to Leia, either. The moment the bay door closed, Rey was swallowed in darkness.

She couldn't see anything, not a light, not a shape, not an inkling of life. It was quiet, at least, although the sounds of the Falcon's mechanics almost seemed to breathe behind her. This, she decided, was a mistake, because even when her eyes adjusted, all she could really see of the landscape was the vague shape of its hills and mountains. It reminded her all too much of the black ocean. And it was quiet, but now the quiet wasn't a safe thing. It was shadows behind her and things that didn't breathe and a land that had no life, and she wanted to hide. She pulled on the Light that was soft around her, and it comforted her, but not as much as she had hoped. It was only comforting in the way a Jakku night would have felt comforting: familiar, quiet, something she could predict. Light or no Light, she couldn't sleep out here.

So she did the only thing that made sense: she struck out for the shape of Kylo's house. It was not, in actuality, a long walk, but the darkness made it look as if she might not ever make it, as if the vague shape that should be his house might be something else entirely. And all the time she was afraid to reach out much with the Force, afraid to feel the presence of the Dark watching her, waiting to whisper again.

As if her fear had drawn the whispers, then, they came, so soft at first she thought they were just memories.

 _Oh dear, little Rey from nowhere,_ they said. _So afraid of the Dark, so afraid of losing them all. Did you think that by coming here you could save them? Did you think you could save him from us?_

She gripped her staff so hard her fingers hurt, but there was nothing here to fight. Just voices in her head, echoing out of the night.

 _He's ours, you know,_ the whispers said, almost gently. _Sooner or later he will learn. You can't save him._

She came to the house and started walking around its edge to find the door. She hoped Kylo hadn't locked it.

 _We've seen what will happen to your general, the children. They will all burn. Come now, Rey from nowhere, wouldn't you like to fight for_ them _?_

The door wasn't locked. Rey pushed through it, closing it quickly and a little too loudly behind her. She almost instantly felt safer, although it was no less dark in here. There was something reassuring about the limits of walls, about being able to see the whole space. She recognized the shape of Kylo's bed, so she went to the opposite side of the house and laid out her bedroll, softly setting down her staff and pack next to it. She hoped she'd be awake and out of his house before he woke up; if not, she'd just have to explain and hope he didn't mind. The hard-packed dirt floor felt more familiar as she laid down, and the only sound was the soft hush of wind around the windows of the house. She curled up as small as she could, tugged her blanket over her shoulders, and closed her eyes against the dark. Maybe now she could sleep.

 _Oh, Rey,_ the whispers said. _We are sorry._

* * *

Kylo had not been a sound sleeper in years, so the moment his door opened, he woke up. The only thing that stopped him leaping out of bed with his lightsaber in his hand was the immediate feeling that told him it was just Rey. Still, he lay still and quiet, unconsciously curling his fingers around his saber in readiness, because this felt all too familiar. His house, dark and quiet, a familiar presence waking him up. He kept his mind shielded, tried to keep himself breathing slowly, as if he was asleep. Why would she come in here, now, alone, in the middle of the night? She had to have had a good reason to walk through the inky Batuu night to his house. He let himself carefully reach out towards her for some clue of her intentions, trying to avoid her notice. He could tell, though, after a moment, that she had somewhat closed herself off from the Force and wasn't paying attention to him. That was reassuring – but then why was she here?

He dared to shift a little in bed so he could turn his head to see her. Although he couldn't quite make her out, between seeing her silhouette and paying attention to the Force, he realized she was lying down on his floor to… to sleep.

That wasn't what he'd expected at all. He let himself relax and loosen his hold on his saber, then he felt her relax too, and her awareness expanded slightly as the rhythms of her thoughts settled into something slow and regular. He closed his own eyes and waited till he felt she was actually asleep, soft wheezing snores coming from her side of the room. Then he pushed aside his blanket and got up, leaving his saber on the floor next to his bed. He padded over to her and crouched down, considering. She shouldn't have to sleep on the floor, she'd probably done that enough in her life. And he'd sensed, as she'd come in, that she'd been scared (although his own anxiety had masked it somewhat). So he grabbed her staff and pack and took them over to set them by his bed, then pulled his blanket and pillow off the bed and tossed them out of his way. Then he came back to where she lay and carefully, slowly, eased his arms under her and her blankets, and stood up. She was lighter than he remembered, somehow, as if she still didn't eat much. Carefully, he walked over to his bed and set her down, rearranging her blanket over her curled-up form. She shifted in her sleep a bit, and he froze, but she was clearly a much heavier sleeper than he was, because she didn't move again.

He took his own blanket and pillow, set them out where she'd been sleeping, and lay down. It wasn't comfortable, and it wasn't as warm, but he felt better about it, somehow. He wasn't sure why, and it was far too late at night to think about that. He just closed his eyes, pulled his blanket tight around his shoulders, and put his hand over his saber in case he needed it.

It wasn't as if having Rey close made him feel safer going to sleep. And it wasn't all that reassuring feeling the patterns of the Force around her as she slept.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm actually really proud of the foreshadowing and symbolism and implications in this chapter. If you think you caught anything of that please do let me know. ;) This took me a little long because I was writing a fic for the Reylo "More Than Love" fic exchange - the fic I wrote will go up on AO3 with all the others.**

 **The next few chapters will be very big and important. Enjoy!**

 **And please review!**


	26. Chapter 26: Refugees

26\. Refugees

Rey hadn't expected to be so comfortable when she woke up. She was perfectly warm, cocooned in softness, and she didn't want to move and wake up. It was just that she shouldn't be this comfortable – she knew there should be ground under her shoulder, and as she cracked open one eye, knew she definitely hadn't gone to sleep facing a window, or lying a foot or so above the ground. She curled her fingers in her blankets and looked around. She was lying on Kylo's bed, that much was obvious. What was less certain was where Kylo himself was – his blanket was folded neatly on the floor across the house, and when she looked down, her own things were set next to her bed, but she wasn't sure where he was. She slowly got up, with no idea what to think. The most logical conclusion seemed to be that Kylo had moved her to the bed, but that didn't seem like something he'd do. Deciding to ask him about it, she folded up her blankets and picked up her pack and staff, making her way outside.

Kylo was still nowhere to be seen or felt, and neither was Leia. The sun was up and the sky was a soft pink-gold and Batuu was beautiful again. She decided to move on with her day and, in the apparent absence of either Kylo or Leia, decided to go to the village and see if she could find Tess or other children to share her portions with. She left her bedroll on the floor by the wall of Kylo's house and set out for the village, using her staff like a walking stick. She felt alone, but in a comfortable way, and the grass was soft against her legs. With no one nearby to see, she took a few wide, swinging steps, sweeping the grass down underfoot. She ended up running across the grass with uncoordinated strides, laughing at the feel of the grass and the sun and the droplets of dew that soaked her leggings, her staff swinging by her side. This was the light and being alive and she'd never felt so free, so like she had nothing to fear, nothing to do, no one to answer to.

She was panting softly by the time she slowed to a walk in the village, feeling like she wanted to grin at everyone she saw – so she did. Most of the villagers seemed utterly taken aback at her smiles, and refused to meet her eyes. A few, however, started trailing along behind her, like they were trying to figure out what she was here for. She wished they wouldn't. The children had to be able to eat the food before anyone else knew they had it – there were always people who will steal whatever they could get. She'd have to protect them while they ate, probably, if only so that there would be no threat to them from hungry opportunists.

It seemed like the easiest way to find Tess would be to reach out with the Force, but as it turned out, Tess found her first.

"I didn't think you were serious," Tess said, startling her. She was sitting on top of a rain barrel by the corner of a bar, covered in dust like she'd gotten into a fight. "Got anything for me? My friends are up there." She pointed to a building across the street that seemed about to fall down. Her eyes were hopeful, but guarded, showing she wasn't sure that Rey had really meant to bring her anything.

Rey was very aware of the eyes of nearby villagers on her, but she ignored them for now. She could actually feel, in the Force, their sheer desperation and hopelessness. This was not a planet where people thrived – Leia was right, this was just a place where people could hide. "Great!" she said, enthusiastically, smiling and meeting Tess' eyes. "I should have enough."

Tess tentatively smiled back and jumped down from her barrel. "Come on, then."

Rey followed Tess across the street, tapping her staff back against her shoulder, making eye contact with the people around her. Some of them seemed afraid to really look at her, but the others met her gaze defiantly. She wondered what they saw when they saw her: a girl who came to their planet with General Leia Organa in the Millennium Falcon and was giving food to thieving children.

The doorway of the building across the street blocked her from their sight, and she followed Tess in, scrambling over and around heaps of rubble. She thought Tess seemed surprised by how easily she kept up with her as they climbed up a pile of unsteady masonry to the second, or maybe third, floor.

"I'm back!" Tess called, and five thin faces peered around the edge of the hole Tess and Rey crouched underneath. "I brought the lady."

Rey smiled and adjusted her pack and staff where she'd stowed both more securely across her shoulders. The children stared back, all with hollow, hungry eyes that might have been her own.

"I brought lots of portions," she said quietly, and all of their tense expressions eased. Tess pulled herself up through the hole in the floor, and Rey followed suit, careful not to get caught in the opening.

The room she found herself in was almost as decrepit as the lower part of the building, crumbled stone piled in corners and chipping off one wall. There were ten children up here of different species. Two were Twi'lek like Tess, two seemed to be Lorrdian, and among the rest were a Gungan, an Abyssin, and a Wookie.

"Hi," she said softly, setting her staff on the floor and sitting down, slowly. "Now look, I've brought food, but you have to promise to eat slowly if I give it to you. You'll be sick otherwise."

They all nodded hastily, and Rey emptied her pack on the floor and selected ten packets of food. She tried to ignore the fact that this only left her with five to put back in her bag.

"Everyone can come pick one portion," she told them. "I should be able to come back with more later."

The children rushed at her all at once, snatched whatever was closest to them, and darted back to the corner of the room to make their food. Then Tess, who'd hung back, came over, and Rey pulled another portion out for her.

"Thank you," Tess said quietly, glancing around as if she was ashamed to say it.

"Of course." Rey smiled and settled back with her pack leaning against her leg, watching Tess scramble off to make her own food. The other kids had dispersed and were apparently trying to eat slowly by pausing between bites. Rey hoped that was enough to keep them from being sick. She sat down and reorganized her knapsack so the remaining portions were at the bottom, her doll and canteen and arm wraps at the top.

"Lady?" One of the Twi'lek children stood next to her with a handful of bread. He had blue skin and very long lekku. "Are you going to eat?"

"No, I'm waiting," she said gently. "You go ahead."

Tess scrambled over and grabbed the child's hand. "Don't mind him," she said shortly, sitting him roughly down on the floor. Then she too scurried off, back to her little meal.

Rey realized these children weren't viewing her so much as a friend, but as a rich, powerful woman who happened to take an interest in them and wasn't to be bothered. She remembered a few times on Jakku when groups of political sentients would come to Jakku to give out food and water to scavenger children, and there would be a rush to Niima Outpost to sit there and pose while the politicians fed them like they were hungry dogs and recorded it all on holograms. Rey had always hated those people, but she took the food and water, because those things were incredibly scarce. And yet it had been degrading, to sit there and let these stiff, giggling people pat her on the head and call her cute and not even bother to learn her name.

She didn't want to be one of those people, so she took out a portion and her canteen, mixed a bit of water with the food, and started eating, tearing off chunks of grey bread and stuffing them into her mouth. The children didn't quite seem to know what to do with that at first, because she (an adult stranger with food to spare) shouldn't be sitting there eating like she hadn't seen food in weeks.

Slowly the kids began edging closer to her, poking at her bag, eyeing her staff, whispering to each other. Rey grinned at them, but mostly focused on her bread. It tasted bland and dry compared to the food she'd been eating with the Resistance, but she was hungry.

"You came here with Princess Leia, didn't you, lady?" one of the Lorrdians asked.

Rey looked up and nodded. "I did. On the Falcon."

There was a collective gasp of awe from the group of children. "What's she like?" Tess asked tentatively.

"Kind of scary," Rey joked, taking another bite of food. "She tells everyone what to do and they just do it, but she cares about everyone. Also she likes teasing my friend Poe."

The children all crowded around closer, and Rey winked at them, tossing a piece of bread up in the air and holding it above her hand with the Force. "And I've met Luke Skywalker."

Their eyes couldn't have gotten any wider as she beckoned them in closer and began telling them about Luke and Leia and Finn and her new friend Ben.

…

When she walked back outside, she was shocked to find a small crowd of people clustered by the door, waiting. Her pack was empty and her mouth was dry from telling stories, but she smiled enthusiastically at them and waved a little (which instantly made her feel foolish). She should really just put her head down and go home. This was too many people, many of whom she probably shouldn't trust anywhere near her.

But like the children, most looked hollow, and they were looking at her with hope in their eyes. She didn't want to chase that away, so she started walking through them, making eye contact and smiling as she did. Then someone finally said something, as people always did.

"Have you come to ask for help?"

Whoever they were, they sounded defiant, and Rey imagined what it would be like to ask these poor people to come fight for them when they'd clearly had their fill of war. "No," she answered, looking around, unsuccessfully, for the voice. "We came to help someone."

She felt, in the Force, the shift in the people around her. When Leia had sent out her transmission asking for help from the galaxy, she'd received no answer. Maybe that was because there were some who, like these people, couldn't bear the thought of anymore war and death. Why shouldn't they want to keep their heads down and just try to live and survive? So many had probably had enough of fighting an endless, hopeless war for heroes they'd never even seen.

But if Leia was here to help them? Had come all the way across the galaxy just to visit their village? That was something different.

Because people didn't care about scavengers and orphans and junk traders and criminals and thieves.

But Rey did. Maybe they hadn't come here for these people, but she found herself looking around with sudden resolve.

No one had ever cared about her when she was small, and no one cared now about these refugees and outcasts on the edge of the galaxy. She was not a hero, and she didn't want to be one, but damn it, she might be willing to be one for these people, because no one else was going to, not Leia or Poe or Finn. They all had other people to save.

But she, she was going to save _these_ people, whether they wanted her to or not.

* * *

Hux had a terrible habit of drinking too much. At least, Phasma had told him many times that it was too much. Personally, he increasingly thought that it wasn't nearly enough alcohol to keep him going.

"Sir? We've received an encrypted message from the Outer Rim that I think you'll be pleased with," one of his officers told him, interrupting his thoughts. He liked standing on the bridge and looking out at the stars – it made him feel untouchable. Never mind that he was still working out the chain of command and trying to figure out how to deal with the Knights of Ren and unsure where Kylo Ren's loyalties would ultimately fall (damn the boy, and damn that girl from Jakku) and trying to locate the Resistance.

"Read it to me," he said dismissively, lifting his chin. He was the Supreme Leader now. He needn't read dispatches for himself anymore, needn't grovel to children play-acting as gods, needn't be humiliated in front of his troops.

The officer cleared his throat and nodded. "It's from a planet called Batuu, Supreme Leader, at specific coordinates I can share with you later. It says that the _Millennium Falcon_ has landed there and that General Organa has been seen on the planet. He requests that in return for this information you grant him a full pardon for what is apparently an extensive list of charges."

Hux's already buzzing mind spun off in a thousand different directions. Batuu? He had been sure that planet was abandoned; he'd had his troops check it and all the other major Outer Rim planets. Was this the new Resistance base? Could this be a trap? Certainly it was a trap. And yet if it was, it wouldn't be hard to find out.

And if it wasn't?

The Resistance would lose its precious leader within days from now, he knew that with certainty.

"Verify the message as well as possible," Hux said harshly. "Ask him for proof, if you can. Assuming its authenticity, I want the whole fleet ready to move in three days." He smiled to himself. "We'll clean the galaxy of their filth."

* * *

 **A/N: Talking about Rey's experiences on Jakku is becoming one of my favorite lil things to do. Also, I kinda took inspiration from the line in Wonder Woman "No, but it's what I'm going to do." Nobody else cares about the galaxy's rejects, but she's going to because no one deserves to be forgotten or abandoned. She's going to be that kind of hero.**

 **The idea of Hux having an alchohol problem comes from my friend** BadWolfGirl01 **'s fic "she's got too much fire in her eyes (and ashes in her soul)", which is a SUPER AWESOME role reversal fic! Definitely y'all should check it out, it's on AO3.**

 **This chapter took me a while only because I got sidetracked on a drawing project - I'm working on some fanart of a 12-13 year old Ben Solo.**

 **Also, the LitProf told us TODAY that he needs a rough draft of a project by MONDAY so we can "workshop" it. Like hey let's not, I don't want you reading my work before (or after, for that matter) it's done, much less when I've only had two days to work on it.**


	27. Chapter 27: Father

27\. Father

Kylo woke up very early, because his mother woke up. Once he was awake he didn't want to go back to sleep – the sun was already filtering through his window. He stood up, folded his blanket, and tucked his blaster in his belt, hiding his saber under the blanket. Maybe he could go talk to Leia, although he didn't know what he'd say. He glanced at Rey where she slept and found himself glad he wouldn't be in the house when she woke up. If she asked him why he'd done what he did, he'd find himself hard-pressed to answer.

He pulled on his boots, a cloak, and some gloves, and went outside. The sun still wasn't properly up, so it was dark and chilly, and the grass (which just passed the tops of his boots) soaked his pants with dewdrops. As he tugged his cloak tighter around his shoulders, he heard the bay door of the Falcon opening. It was an all-too familiar sound, and he quickly turned to look at the ship.

Leia had her hair twisted into a loose bun, without her blaster but in a sturdy pair of boots and what Kylo could have sworn was one of Han's jackets. She didn't quite smile when she saw him, but her face softened and she nodded to him.

"Good morning, Ben," she called, and he pushed himself to walk towards her, focusing the length of his strides and the way he breathed so he didn't have to think too much about her.

"Good morning."

"You're up early."

"So are you," he answered. They stopped, facing each other, and stood there in the long grass. Kylo wished he had any idea what to say, but he was still tired from the day before and he was sure they would have to talk about Han, soon enough. That topic hung between them, a third person waiting for them to acknowledge him.

"Where's Rey?" Leia asked, as if she'd just remembered she wanted to ask. "She's not in the Falcon."

"She's sleeping in my house." Kylo was careful how he said that, knowing how it sounded, not even sure why Rey had visited the night before. "I woke up and she was just there." He omitted the detail of moving her to his bed, still not wanting to analyze why he'd done that. Surely he just wanted her to be more comfortable, right?

 _And he was cold, cold all the time, and he couldn't sleep well even in his bed, so it was just better if she got the bed anyway. Maybe if he slept on the floor he could blame his restlessness on that, on the hardness of the ground under his shoulder, and not the recurring dreams of a green saber and red fire and a black ocean._

Leia nodded, and he didn't like the way she looked at him, the way she did when she knew (or thought she knew) something about him. The way she looked when she had formed a plan or a theory or both. "Oh," she said, and damn her for always assuming she had any idea what was going on.

He chose not to acknowledge her tone or her slow smile, instead nodding out towards the fields. "We should walk," he said, and he knew that was also a suggestion that they _talk_ , that they face things. And he didn't want to, but also he didn't want to talk about Rey and didn't want to talk about his vision, and he didn't want to subject Rey to another one of his and Leia's conversations and he didn't want to let her hear him talk about Han again.

"Alright." Leia zipped up her jacket and gestured. "Does it matter where?"

Kylo wanted to say _sure, let's go to the hottest restaurant of the season_ , but what he actually ended up saying was, "No," and then he just started walking in the direction where there were the fewest buildings. His mother fell in step next to him, having to take almost two full strides to his every one, and he made himself slow down a bit, although part of him wanted to take off running. He wished, a little, that Rey hadn't brought Leia, but that wasn't so much rational as it was him being completely terrified to talk to her, terrified of her judging him.

They walked past the Falcon and out into waving grass, taller and thicker than the grass that grew close to the buildings, and half a dozen blue dogs bounded out of the grass ahead of them, water sparkling on their coats, almost balancing on the blades themselves as they ran away. Kylo noticed Leia startle at that, but he had gotten used to the wildlife here.

"I've never seen those before," she said quietly, following them with her eyes.

He nodded. "I never did before I came here, either."

The sun was beginning to gleam round and bright like a coin above the mountains, eliminating the dark shadows in the fields. The little silky white creatures started bounding around, their triangular ears swiveling curiously, and as they always did, they danced just out of Kylo and Leia's reach, circling them as they walked and mewing. They always seemed to want to be near people but unwilling to actually get close enough to be touched.

"Did you sleep alright?" Leia asked him, and that was so… so what a mother was supposed to ask. He nodded automatically, trying to figure out how to being up Han. He knew he had to, he knew it was important, but unlike with Rey, he could barely recognize his feelings, much less express them.

"Fine," he said, noncommittally. Without quite meaning to, he started walking faster, lost in thought.

He didn't know how to explain anything to her, much less the reasoning behind why he had killed Han. How could he tell her that the only reason he'd killed Han was because he wanted power? Not because he was bitter or angry, but because he wanted to not care anymore, wanted to be able to destroy the Resistance.

"I had trouble sleeping. The Falcon always reminds me of your father."

"Me too," Kylo said noncommittally. The Falcon had such mixed memories for him that he barely knew how to react to seeing it anymore. Hate was too simple of an emotion.

"I flew it here, you know," Leia said quietly. "Han never used to let me fly it. Said I wasn't a good enough pilot, said I'd wreck it." She sounded sorry, and a little bitter. "Sometimes I thought that ship was more important to him than I was."

"Me too," Kylo said again, and he didn't quite mean to say it, but it was how he felt. There had always been other things that his parents cared about more than him, and Luke too, for that matter.

Leia sighed. "It wasn't, you know," she said quietly, fiddling with the bottom of the jacket she was wearing. It had definitely been one of Han's.

Kylo stiffened a little. "But he still left."

"He did." Leia's voice wavered, and Kylo wondered why they kept talking about things that upset them both. "But he came back. He loved you, and he wanted you to be happy."

"I know," he admitted. Han had always come back with presents and stories and big promises, which he knew now was his father's way of trying to make up for the fact that he'd failed both him and his mother. When he was a boy, he'd started to hate the presents. They'd only cluttered his room with reminders that Han wasn't home.

They walked a few more strides before his mother spoke again, her voice hoarse. "Then why did you kill him? Why could you kill him and not me?"

Kylo swallowed. There had always been so much more anger with Han. Han was the one who always left, who made mama cry in her room where she thought Ben couldn't hear. Han was the one who had exciting adventures and left Ben by himself with stupid C3-PO. Han was the one who didn't answer his letters, who didn't want him to train with Luke, who thought Ben's powers were stupid (although he hadn't been supposed to find that out, but lonely little boys get good at listening).

And there had been the matter, too, of thinking that killing Han would get him what he wanted. It would make Snoke proud and convince him to teach Kylo more about the Dark Side. It was supposed to stop him from being so torn between the Light and the Dark. It was supposed to give him everything he'd wanted and then… then it didn't. It had cut him wide open and then the wound, instead of giving him clarity, had festered, and he'd been unable to get Han's eyes out of his dreams. So when the chance came to kill Leia, although he knew Snoke would expect him to, although he knew he should want to, he couldn't make himself. His mother had always been the one he was closest to, the one who believed in him and was around more than Han.

The truth was, he loved her. And he hadn't been able to make himself destroy another person he loved, because it would hurt too much – the first time had almost killed him. But he couldn't say that to her, somehow. It was too much of a risk.

"It was what I needed to do," he said quietly, unable to look at her. "I just… It was supposed to be what it took to turn to the Dark Side."

"But why did you want the Dark so much?" Leia asked, and that was another question that he wasn't quite prepared to answer. "Why wasn't the Light enough?"

"The Light tried to kill me," he said bluntly, because that was the easy part of the equation. "But I wanted it as soon as Snoke came to me when I was little. I didn't want anyone to be able to hurt me anymore." That was the root of it, where it began, and he still felt that way. Still wished he could have enough power that he wouldn't need anyone, not even Rey.

He glanced at Leia and saw that she looked sad again, but also frustrated. "Ben, I don't quite understand how you were so hurt that you wanted the Dark _that_ badly."

Kylo scowled. Of course she didn't understand, and in a way it hadn't been fair to expect her to, but he didn't want to try to explain. "Rey didn't tell you what the Dark was like, did she?"

"No," Leia admitted.

"Well, let me tell you. It offers you everything you ever wanted, and you can tell it can give it to you. Snoke came and talked to me when I was _ten_ " – stars, he hated thinking about Snoke – "and he was always there, and he treated me like I was special. You and Luke and Han never managed that, somehow." And that was cruel, but it was true: until Snoke, Ben had never once had someone's undivided attention and interest and even admiration like he had Snoke's. It had been amazing.

"We tried!" Leia objected, and Kylo snorted.

"You didn't try hard enough." And wasn't that the worst part? Han cared enough to try, but not enough to actually change anything and stay with him and his mother. Leia cared enough to hug him before she left to meetings and take him on special outings when she wasn't busy, but not enough to stop working so much. And Luke cared well enough, until Ben started showing signs of anger and pain, and then it was all about serious lectures and _controlling it_. Of course, then he'd decided everything would be better if he just killed Kylo in his sleep.

Kylo was an afterthought for all three of them: they had other priorities and other plans and he'd never been part of them, not really.

Leia seemed offended at that, but she didn't say anything. They walked in silence for a few minutes, then she, slowly, wearily asked, "Would you do it again?"

Kylo sighed heavily. The question was really, "Do you regret it, are you sorry?" And he wasn't sure he wanted to say the truth because the truth would make it hurt again, make there be guilt and regret and loss.

"No. I wouldn't."

The words fell between them like beats on a drum: one, two, three. Solid, definite, and resonating. They both knew what he just said, and he wished in a way that he hadn't.

"Okay," Leia said, and he could tell that wasn't enough for her, so he let himself push it a step further.

"There are a lot of things I wouldn't do again, if I had the choice." That was true for him, but it was a truth that brought the Dark creeping against his skin because _you did it for us, Kylo Ren, did all of it for us._

If he would just let the Dark in, that would be an excuse. He wouldn't have to face the regret. But he didn't let it in, just left it tracing chaotic patterns around him so he didn't have to fully accept responsibility for what he'd just admitted.

That there was regret, that there was guilt, that he was (as he had said many times, but not quite believed) a monster.

* * *

 **A/N: Alright, so Kylo has to accept the consequences of his actions now. I've written a scene sort of like this once before in a Marvel fic, but scenes like this are always tricky because for someone to accept some measure of guilt after somehow refusing to acknowledge it is always a difficult shift in perspective. Also what's difficult is a shift in character. I'm also trying to write this awkward in-between stage of not having super awful harmful goals but also not being healthy or stable by a long shot and these are the hard stages, so bear with me - the chapters aren't coming as intuitively rn for him - altho conversely, Rey's chapters are easier to write now.**

 **Also, fun fact, I use the descriptions of the wildlife of Batuu to describe Rey or Kylo or both so you may want to notice what I say about them LOL. #symbolismbecauseican**

 **I actually enjoyed a Lit class today - we started analyzing The Tempest and I FINALLY know how to do this - analyzing stories is kiiiind of a hobby of mine, if you can't tell. ;)**

 **Please review! Love you guys, I'm doing my best to keep this fic updated regularly. I just have a lot of projects rn and I had a couple exams so it's a slower process, but my schedule should slow down a bit soon.**


	28. Chapter 28: Better

28\. Better

The whole way back to Kylo's house, Rey's mind was buzzing with a thousand things she wanted to talk about: the children, the crowds, why he'd moved her to his bed last night, and where he thought she'd be able to get more portions around here, if anywhere.

And also she had brought Tess back with her, so she was wondering a bit how Leia and Kylo would react. It was just that Tess had badly wanted to meet Leia, and Rey had convinced her that Kylo would leave her alone.

Tess was hanging so close to Rey's side that they kept bumping into each other, but at least she finally seemed firmly convinced that Rey really meant to help her. She didn't talk much, which was understandable. What was there to talk about?

As they came up on Kylo's house, Rey saw Leia sitting on a log outside while Kylo clumsily chopped kindling nearby. He glanced up, saw Rey, his eyes fell to Tess, and then he looked back up at Rey, and although she couldn't read his thoughts, she knew exactly what he was thinking. _Don't you dare._ He straightened and tossed the axe onto the ground next to his small pile of wood.

Rey looked at Tess, who was glancing up at her for reassurance, and nodded. "It's really going to be fine. Look, would Princess Leia be sitting right there if he was so dangerous?"

"I don't like him," Tess growled, crossing her skinny arms.

"I didn't at first either," Rey said kindly. "But he's not so bad."

Tess huffed, but seemed more confident again, so they walked the rest of the way up to the house, as Leia stood up to meet them.

"Good morning, Rey."

"It's lunchtime," Kylo muttered, and Rey made a face at him.

"Hi, Leia."

"This is Tess, right?" Leia said, glancing at Tess and bending down a little. "It's good to see you again."

In the face of such a legend, Tess grew shy, looking down and scuffing her bare feet against the ground. "Thanks," she murmured.

"This is Ben," Rey said, pointing at Kylo. Kylo gave her a bitter look, then made what Rey chose to call a friendly face (although he really looked a bit like he was choking) and nodded to Tess.

"I hate you," Tess said determinedly. Then she looked away and, pouting a bit, grumbled, "But thanks for saving me and the gang from that guy."

Kylo nodded again, stiffly. He gave Rey another frustrated look, and then actually pushed a thought at her. _I'm not apologizing._

Rey sent a thought back, a bit annoyed. _I wasn't going to ask you to, but maybe you should._

The response was so sharp that she was taken aback by the offense in it. _No._

She scowled at him and put her hand on Tess' shoulder. "I told Tess what a good friend you were," she said carefully. "She didn't believe me."

Kylo's shoulders lost some of their tension, but his feelings came at her hard: frustration, embarrassment, and uncertainty. But Rey didn't let him off the hook, because if there was one thing she was still upset at him about, it was what Luke had said about him killing the other padawans in his temple, and what he'd said himself about wanting to hurt Tess. And there was something important to her about hearing him say he was sorry for at least the latter.

 _We're going to talk about this,_ he thought, but his face broke into the closest thing to a genuine smile she could expect, and he shrugged at Tess, actually making eye contact with her. He'd avoided it up to that point.

"It's nice to actually meet you," he said resignedly, and Tess snorted.

"Sure it is. You're an awful liar."

Kylo blinked and seemed to focus a bit more, growing easier. "I know. People keep saying that."

"Because it's true."

"Fair enough." He seemed to hesitate, then bent a little, like a mountain shifting, and held out a hand. "You don't have to like me. I don't really like you. But I'm not going to hurt you."

Rey found herself trying not to smile as Tess smirked and stuck out her tiny grey hand, fitting it into Kylo's larger one and gripping tight. "Fine. I still hate you."

"Figured."

Leia stepped over and crouched down, also holding out her hand for Tess to shake. Tess took it with a lot less confidence than she'd taken Kylo's. "Do you want to go look at the Falcon?" Leia asked, grinning conspiratorially.

"Can I really?" Tess breathed. "Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Come on." Leia straightened, glanced between Rey and Kylo, and led Tess away from the house towards the Falcon.

The second they were out of normal hearing range, Kylo clenched his fists and let out a long sigh. "That wasn't fair."

"Wasn't fair?"

"It isn't up to you to make me apologize for things. I'm not going to play nice with every little urchin you say I've wronged."

Rey sighed and looked down. "I didn't mean that, Ben, I just… it felt important."

"And? It's not up to you," he repeated.

And he was right, it wasn't, and she shouldn't have pushed it, but it wouldn't have felt right not to suggest it, either. "You're the one who got angry about it," she said quietly. "I only made you talk to her so she wouldn't be scared. I had to work to get her to come here to meet Leia and she only agreed because I promised you wouldn't hurt her."

Kylo sighed, long and slow, and shook his head a little. "Okay. But I have to… you can't start telling me what to do."

"I know. I didn't mean it like that. I'm sorry," she said. She should have considered more how it would sound, coming from her, an insistence that he own up to something and make amends. A way, he would see it, of trying to make him fit what she wanted him to be.

He shrugged. "I just… I have to figure all this out and it doesn't help for you to try to make me do things like that."

Rey nodded guiltily. "I know. I really am sorry."

"Okay," he said. Then he shifted his weight forward so he balanced on his toes and asked, tentatively, "Was everything alright, last night?"

She looked down, hedging a bit. This was embarrassing for her – why couldn't she just have stayed in the Falcon? "I… I couldn't sleep on the Falcon. There was too much noise. I thought I could go sleep outside but then it was too dark, so… so I figured I could just go lay down on your floor and be back to the Falcon before you woke up."

"I woke up as soon as you came in," Kylo said stiffly. "I don't sleep well."

Rey nodded, embarrassed. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"It was fine."

He seemed about to move on, but Rey stopped him, because she had to at least ask. She had to see what he would say. "Why did you move me to your bed?"

Kylo went so, so still, which she'd come to know was how he tried to hide how he was feeling – although it rarely worked because of how expressive his eyes were. Right now, he refused to quite look at her, and he'd pursed his lips a little as if in thought. "I don't know," he told her quickly, defensively. "I don't sleep well anyway, so I guess I thought the bed might be better for you."

Rey frowned a little, trying to figure out what he was saying – and what he wasn't. He seemed to interpret the expression as her not believing him, because he scowled and shook his head. "It's not anything complicated, Rey, I was just… it's what people do, apparently, and I thought it would be rude to leave you on the floor."

"Oh, and you're always so polite," Rey teased, unable to help the gleeful smirk that stole onto her face. Kylo could be many things, but she'd rarely found him strong on social graces. She knew she certainly wasn't.

Kylo blinked, and a small smile worked its way onto his face, evidently despite himself. "I can be, you know," he grumbled. "You've met my mother, haven't you?"

"Fair enough," Rey answered, laughing. "I just… It surprised me. You didn't have to do that, you know."

"Yeah, I know," he said. He looked away, and it seemed obvious that he wanted to change the subject.

She wanted to tell him about the people she'd seen, about how she wanted to help them, so she glanced towards the Falcon, then said, "I brought food to Tess and her friends today."

"I thought so," he said, bending down and picking up his axe again.

"I don't have a lot left over." She tried not to let herself worry about that, although anxiety pooled in her stomach anyway. She could get more any time, it was just… what if she couldn't? "But they needed it. Everyone here is so alone, Ben." She plopped down on the ground a few feet away and propped her chin on her hands. Kylo gave her a bemused look before setting a log down on the ground and getting back to work. "I want to help them. I need to, I think. It's important."

She glanced at Kylo and saw him frowning a little, whether because of the work or because of what she'd said, she wasn't sure. "You want to help… everyone here?" he asked carefully.

"Well, I mean…" She sighed. She knew how it sounded. "I know that's ambitious."

"Rey, that's ridiculous," he said, and she slumped, frustrated. She shook her head.

"Don't say that."

"It is, though. Think about, Rey, what have they ever done for you? Maker, most of them would probably steal everything you have, given the chance."

"And why's that?" she retorted fiercely, dropping her hands and lifting her chin. He met her eyes, resting the axe against the ground. "They don't have _anything_ here, Ben, and they can't ever leave. Not until the war ends. Nobody here has hope, or at least not most of them. I know what that's like, and I know how people are. They can't live like this, nobody can, and there are people everywhere in this galaxy like them, and I can't… I can't just let things stay like this."

Kylo nodded slowly. "But how can you help them?" he asked, and it wasn't dismissive, just weary. "There's too much pain, Rey, and sometimes it just… goes on. And you can't fix it."

"But you have to try. Stars, Ben, someone has to _try_." She stood up, and Kylo met her eyes again and shook his head.

"Sometimes I don't… Rey, I don't understand," he said quietly. "It's just going to disappoint you."

"And if I never try, I'll always regret it."

 _When she was about eleven, one day, she just had enough. Had enough of the planet, had enough of being lonely, had enough of scraping for anything she could get to eat. She took her daily haul to Unkar and he gave it one look and, although it should have been a good haul, dismissed her with only half a portion. It was too much. She went home and sat down on her pallet, instinctively reaching for her doll. But it was just a doll, and she didn't even have two whole portions left, and she was so tired of it all. She'd worn the callouses off her fingers again getting that haul, and she only had half a portion to show for it. Why was she waiting here? Why did she even try to do this? She leaned her head back against the wall of tally marks, knowing she should make another, not wanting to. Another day and they hadn't come back for her. She closed her eyes and, for the first time in years, reached back in her memory to a burning-hot day when she'd screamed and screamed but no one had listened, and the sun baked her light skin and the sand had scoured her but she couldn't sleep, couldn't stop walking away from Niima Outpost even though she'd known she would die if she got lost. Her parents had_ sold her _. That was the truth of it, the one she didn't think about, the thing she said she didn't know. Her parents were gone, not because they'd needed to keep her safe or because of some mistake or because they had no other choice, but because they didn't want her._

 _There was nothing here for her. Why was she lying to herself? She hated scavenging, she hated bringing in good hauls only to get scraps, she hated the sand in her shoes and the sun burning her skin and the thick, bad taste in her mouth because she hadn't been able to drink all day and the waiting and the counting and still, her parents were never coming back and she was just waiting for two people who didn't care about her._

 _Because no one did, really, no one, and she was alone_

 _Alone_

 _Alone._

"Rey?" And Ben's voice was so soft she almost didn't realize she'd stopped paying attention, almost didn't realize she was on the verge of tears. "Rey, are you… are you okay?"

And she realized she'd projected her feelings at him, and she quickly pulled shut the doors to her thoughts and looked down. "I'm sorry," she said. "It's just… Giving up is worse than being disappointed. And I can't do it again and I can't let anyone else do it, either."

Ben set down his axe and stepped closer to her, looking awkward, and she tried to smile and look okay but she couldn't, quite, so instead she looked down. That was why all she saw was his boots as he suddenly (and not so gracefully) put his arms around her.

That was almost enough to break her down and make her really cry, but instead she just closed her eyes and put her arms around his waist. And he stiffened again, and R'iia, he didn't feel comfortable, but he did feel safe.

"It isn't ridiculous you want to do that. And maybe I understand a little. It's just… I'd rather not be disappointed."

Wearily, she answered against his chest, "But I want them all to be okay."

He let out a little snort of a laugh that she felt ruffle her hair, but he didn't move until she let go of him and then he took a quick step back, and his face was so nervous and hopeful that she was surprised.

"Thank you, Ben." She wished it were always this easy, dealing with things with him.

"You aren't alone, you know," he said, so serious.

"I know. Neither are you."

* * *

 **A/N: I just. Love. My children. Rey and Ben. Also bless their touch-starved hearts, they just want to be loved. Kylo isn't gaining social competency at a first rate tho. Bless him. ****These chapters keep getting so much longer than I expect, wow.**

 **Rey's whole point about disappointment vs. giving up has been a huge thing for me lately? so that's a fairly personal bit because I want to be like Rey, but I tend to be more like Kylo: I'd rather avoid disappointment than risk trying and asking for big things. But I don't like that, so I'm trying to learn: TRY BIG STUFF! Be crazy! Risk things!**

 **Okay now to bed for me. XD Please review, y'all!**


	29. Chapter 29: Sorry

_Slight Trigger Warning: Emotional/physical abuse description_

29\. Sorry

Over the next couple days, Tess (and then her little gang) quickly became fixtures at Kylo's house – which he wasn't sure he liked. The whole group was enamored with the Falcon and with his mother, and he'd be lying if he said that the undivided attention his mother gave those children wasn't painful to witness. That being said, he'd ended up with one little boy named Tyr who trailed him most days (Tess' brother apparently) who he couldn't help but be a little fond of. The boy didn't like him a lot, but he did like when Kylo showed him how to fire a blaster, so Kylo had him working on target practice.

Rey had taken to just going straight to his house to sleep at night, although he had yet to convince her to take his bed again. She insisted she didn't need it, then curled up in her bedroll and drifted off within minutes. He found it a little harder to sleep with her in the house, although he would have hoped it would be the opposite. It was just that all he could feel was another presence in the room that wouldn't go away, and it didn't _feel_ right. He didn't tell Rey that – she'd go back to the Falcon if he did, and not be able to sleep.

Today, she'd asked him for help understanding how lightsabers worked, and he'd actually taken his apart to show her how it was supposed to work. "This one's not exactly… conventional," he said, not wanting to admit that it was an old fashioned design that no one used anymore and that wasn't actually very practical. "But the basic principle is the same. I suspect you're not going to want to work with a broken crystal." Rey had caught on fairly quickly, seeming fairly comfortable with mechanics, although she told him quite frankly that she thought all the ceremony of finding and "choosing" a kyber crystal was ridiculous.

"They're semi-sentient," Kylo told her wearily, shaking his head. "You can't just grab them and stuff them in a casing. Except Snoke bombed the Temple and the Crystal Caves years ago, so if there even is still kyber on Ilum, it'll be hard to find. We might be talking about this for nothing."

He knew she needed a new lightsaber, so he told her he'd help her get there and find the caves if they ever had a chance. Which didn't seem likely, but maybe they'd just have to make time.

"So the cave gives you visions?" Rey asked.

"It does, apparently. Like a journey through everything that's wrong with you," Kylo growled. "You have to face your weaknesses to get kyber."

"How did you get your crystal? It's broken, and Luke must not have known."

"I made it after I was apprenticed to Snoke. He had brought a few crystals back from the Caves before he destroyed them. He told me that because I never completed a ritual to create my saber, I wasn't truly worthy of it." He sighed and rubbed his eyes.

"How did you let him treat you like that?" Rey asked softly, her face soft with confusion and, he thought, sadness. "Manipulating you all the time."

"You don't notice so much at first," Kylo sighed, and he hadn't, because Snoke had been so understanding and kind and thoughtful when he spoke to little Ben, or even when he spoke to Ben before Luke tried to kill him. Snoke was the one who knew his secrets and worries but didn't mock them, but instead encouraged him that he was right, of course he was. How nobody else _appreciated_ him, how sad that was, how he of course knew better. And Maker, Ben had needed that. It was after he took the Knights and went to Snoke that everything became… not right. Not that he cared at that point, because there was the Darkness, and whenever he thought he might hate Snoke a little, Snoke would, like a father, teach him something new, teach him how to step a little further out into the black ocean. And how could he hate the person who was giving him what he wanted, the one person who listened to him, who knew him this well?

Surely if Snoke, who knew _everything_ he'd ever thought, thought he deserved pain, he was right. Who was he to question what his master said?

He still did, sometimes, and then how _disappointed_ Snoke would be, and how increasingly painful his punishments became. And that had been right, that had been deserved, and _Maker_ how he'd hated it but he knew it was no more than he'd earned.

"He was the only one who, I guess, cared," he said, and _cared_ was the wrong word, he was sure, and yet that was what he thought of. "He listened and he taught me things and he gave me power. No one else did."

"But he-"

"I know," he said, cutting her off with the raise of a hand. "I know. He was just using me. I know. But it didn't… it didn't always feel like, and then when it did… I was in too deep, and it was too much to think about." _Until you,_ he thought, but didn't say.

Rey reached out and grabbed his hand over the pieces of his lightsaber, impulsive, as she always was. "That wasn't fair," she told him, and it was quiet and certain and he wasn't sure why it felt so loud. Her touch felt reassuring, though, as it always did, and he tried to meet her eyes – she always looked at him like she was paying close attention to him, and that made it hard to look at her, but he still tried. "You didn't deserve that from him, or anyone."

That, Kylo thought, wasn't true, but it still made something ache in his chest and throat. "Thanks, Rey," he murmured, and he wished she wouldn't _look_ at him like that. He didn't know how to deal with it.

"It's okay if you don't believe me, though," she added, and she sounded tired. "Eventually you will."

"How do you even know that?" How was she always this certain? This kriffing hopeful?

"I don't. It's just… that's what I tell myself."

He sighed and threaded his fingers through hers, staring down at his lightsaber. "I killed him because of you," he said, and it was hardly the first time he'd said it, and they both knew it was true, but it still felt hard to say. She tightened her grip on his hand and he knew, although he didn't look at her, that she would be smiling. "He hurt you, and I couldn't let him. And he should never have dug into your head like that," and there was something else that wanted to be said too, something he didn't even want to acknowledge, "And I never should have either." He hadn't pushed as far as Snoke had, hadn't looked at who her parents were, and she'd thrown him out. But still, he'd looked at things that were private, things that she hadn't given him to see. She'd returned the favor, and he'd deserved that.

He had to look up now, because he only had her eyes to tell him if she hated him right now, and stars, there was nothing there but tired acceptance. "I'm glad you said that," she said, frankly, but she seemed to be struggling. "I don't... You took things I don't even give to people. It was like you were forcing me to trust you and I… I hated it. _You_. My thoughts have always been the one thing that was mine and mine only."

Kylo knew that was all fair, and he sensed she wasn't angry anymore, but it still hurt to hear.

"But I trust you now. And I can… I can forgive you, too. I think. And I'm sorry I read your thoughts, too."

"Fair's fair," he told her.

"That doesn't make it okay," she answered, so he just nodded.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome." And she smiled, and stars, he thought he loved that stubborn, brilliant smile. It made him feel like everything really was okay, even though that seemed unlikely.

"Want to try putting this back together?" he asked, gesturing at the saber. "For practice?"

"Okay. I'm going to do it better than you could."

Kylo wasn't sure he knew how to handle the soft, warm feeling in his stomach.

* * *

 **A/N: Look who's already back with another chapter about my kids! I keep saying this but my big headcanon for Kylo is that he has ALWAYS learned that his worth is derived from other people, whether it's who he's related to or how they see him or whatever. It's going to be tricky having Rey help him with that without her becoming his source of security, which I really have to think about how to tackle.**

 **Rey's problem is similar, but her issue is more (imo) 1) I'm nothing because I'm just a scavenger from Jakku, but really important to me, 2) I can't be enough - whether that's for her friends or for herself. She feels like she can't save everyone, can't help everyone, because it's so important to her to do that that if she fails she perceives that as "well I'm just not good enough" in some ways - that's part of why I think that heroics are her defense mechanism. Anyway, food for thought, little hints as to where I'm going to have to take their journeys and some potential tricky things.**

 **Okay enough meta. The next chapter is going to be intense. I'm letting you know now, even though it's a little spoilery - it's going to get more violent and dark than the rest of these chapters really have - except maybe chapter 14.**

 **I suspect it'll be fast in coming, the next couple chapters, but we'll see. Please keep reviewing, you lovely peeps!**


	30. Chapter 30: Screams

30\. Screams

Hux was not drunk today. He wanted to be completely sober to savor this moment, the moment when he destroyed Kylo Ren, the scavenger girl who was presumptuous enough to call herself a Jedi, and General Leia Organa. And, although this was merely a bonus, the destruction of all the villainous, wretched scum that lived on this backwater planet.

He had brought the whole fleet, nearly, the fighters and a few bombers and three divisions of stormtroopers. Now they hung outside Batuu's atmosphere, making a plan of attack. An hour ago they'd sent down a light cruiser to pick up their informant, who'd then told them about the planet's shelters and defenses – both of which were, to Hux's delight, pathetic.

He intended to sweep the planet with the fleet, taking out every settlement they came across and bombing shelters. They would shoot down any craft that tried to escape. Then he'd send in the ground troops to flush out the rest – and R'iia, would he enjoy it.

The comms crackled slightly, then Captain Tyra's strident voice echoed across the command deck. "We're in position above the coordinates. Would you like us to begin the attack?"

"Please," Hux purred, and he glanced over at Phasma where she smiled at him from behind a row of databanks. _Finally_ , he thought, and she smiled wider.

* * *

Kylo had a terrible, terrible feeling. The past few days had been alright, all things considered –he'd discussed nothing more serious with Rey or Leia than the weather, and Tess and Tyr's hate for him seemed to have subsided to mild dislike.

But today, something felt _off_. He couldn't have said what it was, only that the Force wasn't moving the way it normally did, and he had a hard time accessing it. Rey had the same feeling, when he asked, although she hadn't paid as much attention to it as he had. He attributed that to her lack of experience with the Force.

"I don't know, Ben, it just feels muffled to me," she sighed. "Not _bad_."

"You don't have the Dark Side whispering in your ear all the time like I do. It's definitely bad," he snapped, not meaning to be angry, but he was on edge, and if he let himself relax at all, the power would come back and he wasn't sure how to deal with it anymore.

Placatingly, she lifted her hands, nodding. "Okay. What do you think it is?"

"I don't know," Kylo growled, and he began pacing to let out some of his tension. "I can't… Everything feels cloudy." He'd always been able to feel things with the Force, since Luke had first taught him how. Now there was nothing but vague emotion, and that was full of threat, looming heavy.

And then something… switched, a flash of pain and terror echoing in his head.

Rey felt it more strongly than she did, because she suddenly gasped as if she'd been punched in the stomach, eyes going wide. "Oh stars, _stars_ , Ben, what is that?"

He didn't feel it as much, because he'd felt it too often before, but the Force was screaming, and although he was sure it wasn't as jarring through the Dark as it was for her, it still ached, and he knew what it meant.

Immediately he grabbed her shoulders and shoved her towards the Falcon so they could get Leia. But his mother came running out of the ship towards them first, the children all bounding behind her. "Where is that coming from?" she asked, and Kylo kept one hand on Rey's shoulder as he tugged the other through his hair, reaching with the Force as hard as he could, but there was nothing.

"I don't know, I don't- I can't tell, it's just-"

"What is going on?" Rey snapped, shoving his hand off her shoulder and giving them both a furious look. "What _was that?_ "

"That's what it feels like when people _die_ ," Kylo growled, and he was frightened because he wasn't sure how close it was, whether it was a threat to them – surely there would have been a raid warning if there was an attack here? "A lot of them."

Rey's face went slack with horror, and she glanced at the children, who were all staring at Kylo in shock. "What do we do?"

"I don't know, okay?" he answered, furious. "I can't even tell if it's here or not."

Only suddenly he could, because a familiar sound began building, first just a soft humming in his ears, building to a low rippling roar and he knew long before Rehc came barreling towards his house from the village. He felt frozen.

"We didn't hear!" Rehc was shouting, tripping over himself, blaster in hand, eyes wild. "No one warned us, they must have learned about the lookouts! I think they're killing everyone, we have to get them to the shelter, _now._ "

The roaring whine of TIE fighter engines was getting louder and Kylo felt adrenaline flood his veins as he let the Dark rush sweetly back into him. The power was an infinite relief, something he _knew_ he could control.

"Ben-" Rey began, but he glared at her and shook his head.

"We need to leave."

"We can't just-"

"We're going."

He looked at the village and saw crowds of people stumbling out across the grass, away from them and toward the shelter, tripping over themselves, carrying blasters. Most of them ignored Kylo's little group in favor of running as fast as they could.

Rehc stumbled to a halt next to Rey, and the children ran to him, because going to the shelters was familiar, it was what they did-

 _And Kylo could see the fighters now, a host of black dots on the horizon like a cloud, sweeping over the mountains, flanking them._

They couldn't go to the shelters. They wouldn't survive. "If they knew about the lookouts, they'll know about the shelters," he said urgently, grabbing Rehc's arm, digging his fingers hard into flesh to make the other man focus. "You get as many people as you can on ships and get out of here."

They'd be killed. But better for them to try to escape than to sit in the shelters and be gunned down like rats in a cellar. Rehc nodded, looking at him desperately. "Ben, how did they know?" he asked quietly, hoarsely. "How did they know?"

"You have to go now," Kylo told him, forcing himself to sound encouraging. "You need to protect the kids."

But when Rehc gestured for the kids to follow him, they wouldn't – because Tess wouldn't. Kylo glanced back at the advancing fighters again, his stomach feeling hollow.

"I'm not leaving the Princess," Tess said stubbornly, her voice wavering.

"We aren't either," one of the other kids agreed.

"Fine," Kylo snarled. "Get on the Falcon, then." He wasn't sure how they were going to escape, but he could get the kids to behave if they were on the ship and felt like they were leaving. "You go tell the other, Rehc."

Finally, finally they listened and ran for the ship. Rehc hesitated, but then sprinted off to the shelter. Kylo could still feel the screaming and he knew this planet wasn't going to weather this assault.

Rey was shaking, her eyes glassy, and she'd wrapped her arms around her stomach. "What are we going to do?" she asked quietly, and Kylo looked at the fighters again and shook his head.

They were too close now; there was little, if anything, they could do. Taking off in Falcon would make them an immediate target – there would be no ignoring that ship.

His mother took charge. "We have to get them somewhere safe," she said, nodding to the Falcon. "We can't escape in that. Are the shelters like bunkers?"

"Basically."

"But we can't go there?"

"No."

Now all Kylo could hear was the screaming of the fighter engines, and he looked at Rey and his mother and he knew he couldn't let them down. "We'll find something," he said desperately. "Get them back out of the ship. We're going to find somewhere to take them."

Leia strode back to the Falcon, and Kylo grabbed Rey's wrist as she started to follow. "We're going to be okay," he said, trying to believe it so that she would.

"We have to help them," she said quietly, eyes full of tears. "They're all dying, Ben, and it hurts."

"I know," he said, although he'd pushed the screams and the pain down into a corner of his mind so he could focus on surviving.

The first blaster bolts started shattering the houses furthest from the village, sending fountains of flame and smoke and earth into the air. Kylo stared at them, a little lost for a moment himself. He recognized the red stone of Oolism's house seconds before two blaster bolts blew it into dust. Maybe she wasn't inside – he hoped not.

"We're going to find somewhere to hide them," he said, more to make it sound like he had a plan than anything else.

But they were coming, and there wasn't anywhere to go.

* * *

 **A/N: *throws this out from a mountain of blankets and leaves it***

 **Welcome to what happens when Grace writes when she's sad. I've been planning this plot point since chapter 19 or so? I think? And I'm terrified you guys are going to hate me for the next few chapters but I'm determined to give them to you. Anyway, I wrote this chapter and much of the next one last night because I felt really down, which means you guys get all the angst.**

 **Please comment?**


	31. Chapter 31: Dead

_Warning: This chapter contains descriptions of vomit, blood, character death, and genocide. If you don't want to read this content, I'll put a description in my author's note of what happens in this chapter._

31\. Dead

Rey couldn't think straight. She'd never heard so much _screaming_ and it wouldn't stop. She didn't know how Kylo was so focused, but she felt the Dark humming around him and thought that might be helping him.

He seemed focused on hiding, on finding a way to escape, but all she could think was, _we have to save them_. They were all dying and she was standing here _useless_. There had to be something to do, anything.

Blaster bolts streaked closer now, driving furrows in the grass and sending up sprays of dirt. The fighters blocked out most of the sky, beginning to break off and circle around the village. Rey felt small, trapped, like any second they'd see her and she'd be dead. Kylo shoved something into her hand (his blaster, she realized) and ran into his house. She darted after him in time to snatch her knapsack from him as he came tearing back outside, his saber and a small pack of his own things in hand. As he did, Leia came running out of the Falcon, ushering the children in front of her down the gangway.

"Ben," she called, focused on guiding Tyr away from the edge of the ramp. "We should-"

The Falcon _erupted._ There was a rush of heat and flame, and Rey lost all sense of where she was or what was happening.

When she came to, she could barely hear, and she realized, painfully, that she was lying on the ground.

Then a pair of strong hands grabbed her, actually lifted her off the ground, and set her on her feet. Kylo was staring at her, his eyes scared and lost, and she realized what she'd _seen_ , what had happened. _Oh, R'iia._ She pushed him away and ran towards the wreckage, but almost immediately, she fell again because her leg _hurt_ and there were… there were people. There were bodies. And they were small and they were curled up and they were _children_. Small limbs separated from small bodies, smears of red and black. The stench of blood and fire mingled with the soft fragrance of crushed grass. Rey clung to the dirt as her stomach heaved, and she just managed to choke down the bile that stung the back of her throat.

She scooted across the ground and tugged the limp figure of a little boy towards her, pressing her fingers to his neck, his wrist, his chest, even though half his face was just a bloody mass and she knew he was dead.

Oh, stars.

She couldn't bring herself to set him down again so she staggered back to her feet with him clutched in her arms and went to the next body; it was unrecognizable, nearly, crushed under a twisted piece of metal.

She shook her head, mute, shocked, and limped over to a scrawny form shaking in the grass. She refused to recognize the color of the pale grey skin, refused to process the little face that was staring at her. Not her, not this, not any of them, oh _stars._ Dropping to her knees, she carefully set down the dead boy she was carrying and cupped her hands around Tess' defiant little face, trying to suppress her shaking but not succeeding. Tess' eyes locked onto hers for just a moment, silver and clouded with agony, and Rey tried to find her injuries, tried to assess them, so she could fix them, but then the little Twi'lek girl coughed hard, once, twice, rattling and curling around into a small ball. Rey grabbed her hand and felt the second Tess left.

No, no, no, this wasn't… this wasn't how this was supposed to go. Not Tess. Not these kids. It wasn't _right_ , she was supposed to save them, she was supposed to protect them. She was choking on bile and vomit again, hot tears beginning to blur her vision.

 _Oh, Force, Ben, I can't,_ she thought, and he came out of the smoke and knelt down next to her, and he put his hand over hers on Tess' face. That helped a little; let her force down the nausea again and shake her head.

 _Bring her,_ he thought, _but we have to hurry._

 _Leia,_ she answered, and there was nothing for a brief second but the complete horror and pain he was feeling, nothing but crushing emptiness, and it was too much like her own pain for a moment.

 _I don't know,_ he told her, so she fit her arms under Tess' body, tucked her against her shoulder, and stood.

Tess shouldn't weigh this much, motionless and growing stiff like she'd never been alive, and Rey made herself focus on Leia, on Kylo, because that was a goal, that was something to do so she didn't drown.

 _We'll find her._ Rey looked back and saw nothing but smoke where the village should be. The fighters were still screaming overhead, and she realized that blaster bolts were still pounding into the Falcon's remains and what was left of Kylo's house. He nodded and stood too, and he took her arm, like he knew she was going to fall.

Every dead child snatched frantically for Rey's attention, like hunger pangs in her stomach or an open wound. She couldn't just leave them here, lying in the grass and the mud and the wreckage, but every time she tried to stop, Kylo gently tugged her onward. Still, they both had to stop when they came across little Tyr, splayed across the grass like a thrown rag doll, one arm just… just gone. Kylo's grip on her arm tightened to a vice, and she had to turn her head to the side and vomit, coughing and retching and nearly dropping Tess. She was beginning to feel lost, beginning to feel like if she saw another body she was going to collapse and not be able to get up. Kylo's breathing sounded like the beginning of sobs, shivering inhales that didn't give him enough air.

She was supposed to help these children and she'd killed them. All of them.

When they finally came to the main bulk of the Falcon's remains, there were no more children, just a strange silence and plumes of black smoke. Kylo crawled into the shell of the ship, and Rey, after a moment of hesitation, set Tess down outside.

"I'll come back and get you," she said, because it felt _wrong_ to just leave her on the ground, but they had to find Leia, if they could, and she couldn't clamber through the treacherous ship with a child in her arms. Still, she felt horribly guilty and sick as she left Tess in the grass and followed Kylo into the Falcon.

They climbed together through the broken interior of the Falcon, Rey leading the way because she knew the best way to do it without falling or bringing the structure crashing down on them. Her heartbeat was loud in her ears, the rhythm of it too fast and uncertain, and her injured leg trembled, threatening to give way. There were whispers too, trailing after her, laughing. Only a hot coil of purpose and anger in her chest was keeping her functioning, and if that failed her, she might curl up on the ground and just… stop. Her tears had left her for now, leaving her dry.

They found Leia lying on her face under what was left of the Falcon's control panel, one of her arms twisted in the wrong direction. Rey's mind wouldn't even process it, so she wasn't nearly aware enough to help Kylo, who staggered towards his mother and went to his knees next to her, shaking visibly. He slashed his hand to one side, yanking the control panel off Leia's body and smashing it hard against the opposite side of the ship. Gently, he rolled Leia onto her side, pressed two fingers to her neck, and then slumped even more.

"She's not… she's not dead," he said, and Rey heard the wavering _yet_ that wanted to hang on the end of his sentence. She hurried over and knelt next to him, putting her hand on his shoulder. The Dark hummed at her, and something hot and soothing soaked into her veins from his.

"Maybe we can help her?" Let them be able to help _someone_. At least Leia wasn't dead, at least here there was hope, something to move toward.

Kylo's mouth curled in a pained grimace. "I don't know how," he said, voice strained. Suddenly Leia's arm moved, and she let out a soft gasp and her eyes fluttered open. Relief stung like salt in a wound but stars, it felt good. Rey's fingers curled into Ben's rough shirt.

"Ben?" Leia murmured, and for a moment she didn't seem to realize Ben was right there, until he grabbed her searching hand and combed his fingers through her hair.

"Hi, Mama," he said, and Rey ached at the way his voice trailed off. Leia didn't look at all like herself – she didn't seem like a general or a princess or even a mother, just a lost, broken thing. Rey couldn't stand this, was sick of it. Everyone she'd come to look up to had already been lost to her and Leia, she sensed, hung on the edge of the same fate. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that this was happening, it wasn't fair that she could _feel_ power coursing through her but not be able to use it to help.

"Ben," Leia said again. Rey heard Ben's thoughts, the ebb and flow of them, words and feelings tumbling over themselves that she knew he wanted to express, tangled and twisted and… and he'd never be able to speak them, Rey knew.

"I'm sorry, Mama," he said, tracing his thumb over the back of her hand. Rey watched Leia's eyes grow just a bit brighter, saw a trace of the care and love that she'd been so amazed by.

Leia actually managed a smile. "My boy."

"I… Maker, Mama, I…" Ben was struggling, reaching for words, and Rey knew what he wanted to say and wanted to push him to _say it_ because she could feel that they didn't have time, that there was no fixing Leia's injuries.

She shouldn't really expect Leia to live, but with life there was hope, and Rey couldn't let go of the notion that it would be _fine_ , Leia would be fine, as long as they stayed here and she was talking.

Leia tugged her hand free from Ben's, and for a moment that seemed cruel, until with an evident effort she reached up and cupped her fingers over his cheek, tracing the line of his cheekbone and then his scar. She closed her eyes, like she was breathing against something heavy and painful, and Rey felt Ben begin to panic. She tried to push some reassurance at him, but she didn't feel much herself. Her world was ending, and it hurt so bad she'd started to go numb. The general's eyes lost focus, started darting around, like she was looking for something. "Han?" Rey felt tears slipping again, and her stomach hurt, and it just… it wasn't fair. "Han."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," Ben whispered, and he seemed stuck, lost, hurting, and then… then Rey _ached_ , for him and for the only woman who'd come close to being a mother to her, and she took Leia's other hand and pressed her head to Ben's shoulder. They both knew, could feel, the moment Leia's heart stuttered to a stop. Leia's hand slipped of Ben's face and fell, limp, back against her body. Ben grabbed her hand and clung on, like that would mean she wasn't gone.

Rey's tears soaked into Ben's tunic, and she gripped his shirt and Leia's hand and pushed back the howling Darkness that seemed to collapse her chest because this was too much, and it wasn't over, and she wished she could just stop because it hurt so much and she was tired and she'd lost someone else and maybe if she'd just _listened_ she could have stopped this somehow, fixed everything, made it all okay. The anger stuck sharp against her skin, but she clung to the anger because at least that made her feel like she could do something (even if that something was only breaking things and screaming), helped her ignore the despair that was started to eat away at her desire to do anything but sob.

Ben was stammering, broken strings of disconnected words, desperate. He sounded like a little boy. "Mama? Oh stars, Mama, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I couldn't- I didn't think- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry." Ben folded forward and dropped his forehead to his mother's chest, and Rey bit her lip and weathered the sudden wave of pain coming from his thoughts. It hurt, it hurt worse than she'd thought she could still feel, but it was him, and at least she had one person to hang onto because if she didn't she wasn't sure she'd be able to move again.

When Ben stopped talking, he didn't make a sound, even though he was heaving with sobs, and she felt how tightly clenched his muscles were. She sat up and put her hand on his tense back, rubbing soft, comforting circles, pushing what little strength she still had towards him.

Echoes of fighter engines and blaster fire began intruding on her notice, and she wanted to ignore them, but the voice that always pushed her to keep going, to survive, was back, and she clung to it and pushed every ounce of her anger and pain and horror into a battered chest where it ached vaguely, out of reach, with the Darkness.

She nudged Ben lightly with her thoughts. _I think we have to go_.

She didn't receive a proper answer, just a flash of anger and pain.

 _We can bring her, Ben, but we need to move. Come on. Please, I'll help._

Kylo glanced at her, and although his face was red, his lips trembled, and tears traced down his cheeks, he nodded. Rey got up and stood back while he slipped one arm around his mother's shoulders and the other under her knees and forced himself painfully to his feet.

Then the ground rippled and shook with a heavy impact, and Rey heard a muffled _boom_.

"They… they brought out the bombers," Ben said, his voice wet and heavy. He tucked his arms tighter around Leia and glanced at Rey. "They'll be bombing the shelters."

There was… there was nothing to say. Rey didn't even know how to deal with that anymore, just forced that information away too. She felt a flash of screams and pain and then silence again.

"I don't think we have anywhere to go," Ben whispered.

"We have to find anyone who's left," Rey answered, and her voice didn't sound right, just dull and weary. "We have to go look."

"If they see us, they'll kill us."

"I just… We can't just let them kill everyone," she said, her voice small in all the noise.

Ben snapped his head around to glare at her, eyes blazing. "We can, Rey," he growled. "I don't know if you understand what's happening right now but we're surrounded. Look up, for kriff's sake. The second we leave this wreck they're going to see us and kill us. Your leg isn't right and we're trying to carry-" his voice cracked "-dead people. We won't be of any help to anyone."

Rey's stomach hurt. She refused to look up, because she knew what Ben was talking about – there were still TIE fighters in the sky above them. "But we have to… we can't just run and hide."

"Everyone here is already dead," Ben snapped. "Search your feelings, figure it out. They bombed the shelter, the village is _gone_ , and we can't go running around the planet to warn the other villages. The fighters are faster than we are and they're looking for survivors. This planet is going to burn and unless we figure something out, so are we."

The Light told Rey otherwise, that they could save everything, but there were the whispers too, laughing.

 _Oh, Rey,_ they had said. _We are sorry._

Stars, stars, _stars_.

"I can't not help them," she said, and the tears tried to come back so she clung to the Light and refused to cry, refused to feel it. Survival meant not thinking.

"They're already dead," Ben said, and it was cold and it was harsh and it was _true_ , she could feel it was, and his eyes were so, so empty. "Admit it, Rey. This village is gone, and it's on to the next, and the next, and they're all going to die like those children."

Anger burst out of her in a scream she hadn't known she was waiting to release, a torrent of abuse and accusations that she didn't quite understand herself, and she found herself hurling pieces of wreckage at Ben's head, some with the Force, some that she bent down and picked up. He couldn't just say that, he couldn't just be like _this_. There were people on this planet, thousands at least, and they just had to let them die? She couldn't _do_ that, it wasn't fair, and Ben didn't care. How could he not _care_? It wasn't right, and he was a monster, and she was going to save them whatever he said, and he could rot here by himself for all she cared. Ben deflected most of what she threw, standing still, arms around Leia until Rey was tired and sobbing again, the anger mostly expended, left with just guilt and shame and grief.

"I'm sorry," he said, and Rey shook her head a little. He walked over to her and turned a little, as though offering his arm. "Do you want to get Tess?"

"I have to." She knew he understood, because she sensed he wouldn't leave his mother for anything, either. She tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow and hung on, and at least it was something grounding, even if it fixed nothing.

"We don't have anywhere to go," he said, and she understood that. If they stayed here, they'd eventually be bombed again, because the fighters would pick up their life signs. If they left, they'd be seen or detected long before they could find anywhere safe.

But she drew on the Light and nodded. "We have to try."

This time, Ben seemed to agree, so they started climbing back out of the ship, struggling because Ben was carrying Leia and Rey didn't want to let go of him.

For all she knew, they'd be killed as soon as they stepped outside, and although her survival instincts rebelled at the idea, part of her was too horrified to care. Maybe that was only fair.

* * *

 **A/N: I don't have any funny or clever little things to say about this chapter. Just please understand that a lot of thought has been put into this and the ramifications it has for the story. I discussed it with friends and I think the intensity is important so that I'm not glossing over what I've just done. This story is going to remain a bit intense for a while after this (although why angst would surprise anyone at this point, I'm not sure), especially for Rey. This chapter was written to solidify that this is a war, that the First Order is evil, and to allow for further and deeper character and story development.**

 ** _For those of you who didn't read, if any of you: At the beginning of the chapter, the Falcon is blown up as Leia and the kids are coming down the ramp, and Rey is knocked out. She wakes up with an injured leg and immediately runs to check on the children; she finds them dead, coming across two children and then Tess, who dies as Rey reaches her. She carries Tess with her and Kylo joins her - they also see Tyr and both grieve. From there they go to the biggest leftover part of the Falcon, where Rey sets Tess down outside so that she and Kylo can climb through the wreckage to look for Leia. They find her still alive, barely, and Kylo struggles to talk to her, unable, however, to tell her he loves her. Leia puts her hand on his face and dies saying Han's name; Rey returns to her old coping mechanisms and forces down her emotions so she can focus on survival. When she tells Kylo they should leave and try to save more people, he tells her they can't; when he insists that everyone on the planet has been/will be killed like the children were, she screams at him and throws things at him. He apologizes, they both face the fact that they aren't likely to survive, and they start to leave the Falcon._**


	32. Chapter 32: Raw

32\. Raw

Kylo was grateful for Rey's Light for the first time in a long time, because he thought if he wasn't connected to her he'd lose himself in all the Darkness. It was the only thing keeping him moving, his turning the anger and pain into power, but it meant he felt like he was barely keeping himself in check. He wasn't sure what would happen to him if Rey wasn't there.

His still-healing blaster wounds throbbed and stretched at every movement as he and Rey halted at the exit (or what there was of one) of the Falcon, peering out at the world around them. Most of the fighters seemed to have moved on, although a squadron still circled over the village as the bombers began slowly heading toward their next target.

"Are you sure they'll notice us?" Rey asked, looking up at them too.

"I'm sure."

"Would they see us or pick us up on scanners?"

"TIE fighters can't scan for life signs. They're scanners are very basic – used for targeting systems and picking up signals from other ships." Kylo rambled out the information without really thinking about it. Holding his mother was hard, especially with the blaster wounds in his shoulder and back aggravated and burning, so he only had so much energy to give to problem solving. For what he could hear of Rey's thoughts, she was trying hard to come up with a solution, so he gave up trying and just stared out at the scattered pieces of burning wreckage and children.

The blue wolves were sprinting towards and around the Falcon, flat-out, ears pinned back against their skulls. He watched them run wearily. They had nowhere to go any more than the villagers had, but at least they weren't being hunted.

Rey's thoughts lit up. He was surprised to feel it, sudden hope and inspiration. "Ben, where do vulptresecs live?"

"Where do _what_ live?" he asked.

"Those fox things. I saw them in one of the books. Where do they live?"

Kylo frowned. He'd never seen where the wolves came from, only that they seemed to appear out of the all grass and then run off to hunt or play. "I don't… I don't know. Why?" He knew she had to be asking for a reason, but he couldn't quite pick out what she was thinking.

"Do you think they're like crystal foxes?"

"Like what?" Kylo felt like he was a step behind her, struggling to keep up.

"What if they have dens? You know, tunnels, underground warrens."

Finally, Kylo started catching where she was going. "I don't know," he said skeptically. "I know a lot of canid species do but I haven't seen or heard of the… the wolf things having anything like that. But…" Something occurred to him, something that made his heart beat faster and helped him focus. "When there are raids and people go to the shelters, there are always at least four or five of them that come with us." None of the little silky creatures ever went into the shelters, even though they seemed to like people much better than the wolves did.

Rey frowned and glanced back at the ship. "I want to go to the opposite side of the wreck and see if I can see where they're going," she said quietly.

"Okay." Kylo looked back outside, at Tess' body. "Are you going to get Tess?" She should. He could feel that she wanted to, that part of her rebelled at the idea of leaving the little girl's body behind.

"It's not… not so practical, to bring her," Rey answered, voice trembling.

Kylo met her eyes and made himself smile a little, made himself be gentle. "You need to." She'd regret it if she didn't, he knew her at least that well.

She nodded, then turned away so he couldn't see her face. "I'm going to go see if I can see where they're going, if you want to come."

Kylo didn't think he could climb all the way through the interior of the Falcon with his mother in his arms, and he was _not_ leaving her lying here. "Just… I'll come if you find something," he said. And he didn't really want to be alone, but Rey's thoughts felt unsettling right now, and he felt like he was suffocating.

Rey frowned at him, worried, but then she touched his hand and walked away, adopting a light stride, balanced on the balls of her feet. Kylo watched her go, finding himself worrying about her, worrying about what could happen if he didn't see her. He reached out and stayed connected to her thoughts, and she felt his worry and cast a look back at him.

 _I'm going to be fine,_ and she felt soft and caring, and the thing that was strange in her mind lessened.

"You sure you don't want to come?" she called, and he glanced down at his mother, and he felt understanding from her. She scrambled over a pile of metal struts and out of sight, and Kylo couldn't help an immediate surge of fear.

Her thoughts pushed back at him, reassuring. She was fine. He sighed and finally looked, really looked, at his mother.

Her eyes were open still, staring, and he felt ashamed of that. Carefully, he sank down to one knee, then knelt on the floor, freeing his arm from underneath her knees to pass his fingers over her eyelids, closing her eyes. Her features felt stiff and cold, and he shivered a little.

 _Mama_.

This was his fault. They never should have come, either of them. He should have made them leave. He should have known that someone would see the Falcon as too great of a temptation, that someone would betray them. How could he have let his guard down so much, how could he have been so _stupid?_

Han's jacket was a little too big for his mother, but she'd been wearing it almost nonstop for the past few days. Now it was streaked with black burn marks.

Now that he was alone (although he knew Rey could still, in a way, tell what he was doing), he felt himself stop fighting the feelings scraping sharp-edged against his control. Tension bled out of him, and with it, Darkness.

He wanted to cry, but he was so tired of being weak. He kept being left raw and bleeding and he hated it, hated caring. And yet he was afraid of the Dark, and of what would happen if he couldn't control it.

But maybe right now… maybe it would be okay to just let it rage. Rey was out of the way and his mother was… was already… dead, so who was there left to hurt but himself? He closed his eyes and bent so his forehead was pressed against his mother's, and she was stiff now and cold, not a person anymore, not really his mama, just an empty husk, like this ship.

The Dark Side's burn was almost relaxing, his grief the fuel for its fire, and he let himself be swept away by it, let it soak him with power.

This power could not save his mother, and it would probably fail him and Rey, too. And yet it was something, something that felt useful. He couldn't be alone without it, because he felt that he might start crying and be unable to stop. As it was, he still wanted to cry, but he wouldn't. Couldn't, almost.

He had failed her, and not only that, she thought… she probably thought he hated her. He hadn't been able to tell her, although he'd _wanted_ to, he'd known he should. He hadn't told her. And however often he said it now, she wouldn't be able to hear.

"I love you, Mama." He tried anyway. But of course there was no response, not even a flicker of her presence.

Stars. He traced his free hand over his mother's cheek, aching. This was almost too much, because he could still feel her touch burning his face, so he angrily reached down to the stinging wound in his hip and pressed his fist against it through his pants, digging his knuckles into it until he let out a small groan and he felt Rey say, "Ben!" sharply through their link.

He pushed back, shut her out (although not totally), and pressed harder. It burned and ached and he knew this was a bad idea, but it brought the Dark roaring back into him and there was some strength in that, some escape from the pain and horror of it all.

He felt the injury begin to bleed – he'd broken the still-healing skin. With a hiss of pain and frustration he stopped digging at the wound and, awkwardly, pulled his pack off his back with one hand. Oolism's salve should still be in it, if he just… it should… he'd…

Rummaging hastily through the pack, he screwed his face into the stiffest mask he could, but the tears were coming back. As ever, the pain didn't give him power for long. He still had his three sets of clothes in the pack, some bandages, one portion of food and a canteen, but… but the bottle of salve was broken, the medicine soaking his clothes and the bottom of the pack. There would be no using it.

He pushed the pack away from him and ducked his head down, curling his free hand in his father's jacket, trying to ignore how the smells were beginning to get to him: death and blood and smoke and metal and something like rot.

The screaming still hung in the back of his mind, the pain of an entire planet, of all its people, beginning to sink into his bones, and, he thought, become a part of him. He could feel them all _dying_. He'd felt something like this when Hux destroyed the Hosnian system, but it had been muted and far away. This was like somebody being tortured in the next room over, their screams echoing in his ears just loud enough that he couldn't ignore them.

He used to pretend he was used to death. But he wasn't. Even he couldn't ignore this, this wrongness, this screaming. A whole planet. Systematically, slowly.

This wasn't like Starkiller or the Death Star. The screams lasted longer, there was fear saturating the very air. And there would be, for hours, perhaps even days and weeks, until Hux decided he'd punished this planet and its people enough for daring to harbor _Rebel scum_.

He'd failed. He was trapped here with Rey and a bunch of dead refugees and his dead mother, and he couldn't protect Rey and he couldn't leave. Maybe it was better if he just died here, if he let the Dark filter out and laid down and stopped trying. Part of him wouldn't allow that, though, so he stayed curled over his mother's body, crying again, swiping tears and snot off his face with his free hand, which smelled of the medical salve and his own blood.

He heard Rey scrambling back across the scrap-strewn floor of the Falcon, but he refused to look up at her or open his mind back up to her. He knew he looked pathetic, and disgusting, and he knew she would scold him for wanting to give up and for hurting himself. But even that wasn't enough to make him stop crying.

"Ben? Ben, I'm back, and I've found something."

He could see her feet as she came up to him, then she put her hands on the floor and scooted onto her knees. He didn't look above her knees, and wanted to tell her not to look at him, but he was crying so hard at this point that he couldn't have choked out words if he tried.

"Ben," she said, more softly, and she reached out and grabbed his hand away from his face, because he was scrubbing at his closed eyes probably too hard. "Look, I know how we can escape. Would you look at me? Please, Ben?"

He _couldn't_. Even when she twined her fingers between his and started rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand, all he wanted to do was push her away, out of his space. He didn't, though, because he knew that wouldn't help either of them.

And she had just said she knew how they could escape. Although he doubted that a little (she was too optimistic, most of the time), he swallowed and forced out, "How?"

Her hand tightened on his, and he suspected that was because of how _pitiful_ he sounded, like he was choking. "Well, there's a tunnel entrance. I saw the vulps going into it. It's kind of… far, still, but we can fit, and if we stick with them we'll at least have somewhere to hide where our life signs will be disguised.

The plan was a good one, except for the difficulty of getting to the tunnel entrance without being noticed. But Kylo couldn't seem to muster up the energy to offer either objection or agreement.

"Ben, please. We can do this. We can make it work somehow."

"For what?" He didn't mean to sound so venomous, but it was hard not to be angry when she saw him like this. "What's the point? We failed, and now all we're doing is delaying the inevitable."

His mother would tell him that wasn't true. She'd tell him hope was about belief and faith.

Well, he didn't have those things. There wasn't anything to hang onto. All that talk about believing in hope when you couldn't see it was just comforting nonsense people told themselves so they didn't have to feel what he felt right now.

"Oh, Ben," and Rey sounded like she was going to cry again. She stroked his cheek, and he instinctively flinched, but she was so gentle and she wasn't going anywhere. "We have to try. Please."

He sensed that he'd disrupted her plans and pulled her back towards despair with him. It was that realization that forced him to look up, to meet her eyes, to struggle for strength again. He wouldn't make this worse for her.

"Okay," he whispered, and he was still drowning, but her fingers were soft against his cheek and her eyes were hollow with loss. She balanced just on the edge of hope; he wouldn't be the one to push her down. "Okay, we can do it. Get..." He swallowed. "Get Tess. We'll go."

Something flashed in her eyes that he wondered at, but he still had his mind closed to her so he wasn't sure what it was. He let her in just enough that she could feel his feelings, and he hers. Her Light was stronger than he'd ever felt it, strangely, and he hesitated before clinging to it, drawing on the soft warmth it offered. He was careful not to let his Darkness bleed into her.

"I'm so sorry," she told him quietly, and there was a long moment where he wanted to grab her and crush her to his chest and not let go, but he was holding his mother, so he just nodded.

Then she stood, and after hesitating a moment, walked past him and, cautiously, keeping crouched low, climbed out of the ship to get Tess. She shouldn't be seen by the fighters, since Tess was so close to the ship, but Kylo still stood and turned so he could watch her. Never mind that he probably couldn't get to her if she needed help because he was holding Leia.

He should really leave his mother here. Carrying her or Tess would slow he and Rey down, it was-

A blaster bolt slammed into the dirt in front of him, and he sensed a second strike the ship somewhere behind him. Dirt and smoke exploded into the air, blocking his view of nearly everything. Including Rey.

"Rey!" He lurched forward, towards where she should be, but then a thought pressed into his head, forceful and determined.

 _I'm okay._

He slumped, relieved, and waited until she reappeared out of the smoke, limping more than she had been, but holding Tess against her shoulder. She struggled to climb back into the ship, but she managed, freeing one hand to support her as she climbed. Kylo turned so she could grab his elbow to pull herself the rest of the way up.

"Okay," he said, straightening his shoulders against the pain that returned when Leia's weight rested solely on his arms again.

"Follow me," Rey said, and they started back through the Falcon's groaning remains.

Now more shots pounded into the Falcon, and although Kylo hoped the tangled remnants of the ship kept their life signs hidden, the First Order probably wanted to flush out anybody who'd survived. He tried to keep sensing where the bolts would hit so they wouldn't be hurt, but there was enough to focus on with just trying to move through the ship.

Between his injuries and Rey's, and both of them trying to carry people, their progress was slow and halting, and far more precarious than it should have been. Kylo was trying to ignore that because he didn't want to have to think logically about this – he was _not_ leaving his mother's body here.

Rey, he sensed, was coming to a decision he wished she wouldn't. He was a little afraid for her – she was handling everything too well, like she was refusing to accept any of it was going on. He knew Tess was important to her, and that ordinarily the idea of leaving the little girl's body anywhere would have been repugnant to her.

And maybe that was impractical, but it bothered him nonetheless.

Still, neither of them really addressed the looming problem until they came across an area of the Falcon that seemed to have been pinched inward, leaving only crawl space to get through. Rey turned to face Kylo, and he shook his head before she even spoke, _knowing_ it was irrational and not caring.

"We can't get them through there."

"I'm not leaving her here," Kylo growled. The Dark hummed in agreement.

"Ben…"

"Don't _talk_ to me like that, I can't-" He stopped and swallowed because he suddenly felt like sending things crashing and burning and breaking. "I'm not going to leave her to rot in this hell."

"I don't want to leave Tess either."

"This is my _mother_ , Rey! She's just an urchin you picked up on the streets, how can you…" That was too much, too far, he knew it as soon as he said it. "I'm sorry. But it isn't the same, you know it isn't."

Rey held his gaze and, making him nervous, said absolutely nothing. She just waited. And the Dark roared that he should fight, should cling to this, should make her let him do this. But her unflinching certainty, and his own logic, told him she was right.

"I can't," he told her. It would hurt too much, to not even be able to have a funeral. He was tired. He couldn't leave her.

"We have to. Unless you want to die too." She crouched and, with slow, gentle movements, laid Tess out on the metal floor of the Falcon, straightening the little girl's limbs and settling her hands over her face. She didn't get up right away, just stayed balancing on her heels, staring at the body.

Kylo looked down at Leia again. He knew Rey was right, that he had to leave her, but it made him feel sick even considering it, and he just… _couldn't._

Then he felt Rey's mind against his, and he felt her sorrow and compassion. She still didn't feel quite like herself.

 _Ben, maybe you need to control your emotions,_ she said, and it was soft, and would have made him angry except he could hear and understand why she was saying it. _We can't die here trying to save people who are already dead._

That was harsh, and too much, but it was also true. She pushed a little bit of strength and Light at him, and although he didn't want to, he accepted them, felt himself calm a little. She stayed crouched by Tess as he went to his knees again. It was hard to let Leia down onto the floor, harder still to pull his arms away. They felt empty and aching without her weight. He arranged his mother's body so her arms were crossed over her chest, like they should be. He didn't have anything to leave with her, but he felt Rey catch that he wished he did, and she slipped her pack off her shoulders.

Behind them somewhere, a blaster bolt shrieked into the Falcon's hull.

"Here." She held out her pilot doll, little scraps of orange and grey and brown.

He met her eyes. "Thank you." He took the doll from her and tucked it under his mother's hand, and that felt, in a way, like an apology. Not enough to make it easy, not enough to make it okay, but enough to be comforting.

Rey reached across Tess' body and took his hand again. "Can you go?" she asked, so, so gently.

He didn't think he could. But he would, because the ship was being fired on and the First Order was still waiting for them.

He would not be the reason Rey died today. Even if that meant leaving behind his-

His-

He held onto Rey's Light, and, although it burned, pushed his emotions down hard, where they cut slowly into his resolve. But he managed it, holding onto Rey's hand as they both stood and walked away from the bodies – _his mother_.

"I'm sorry, Ben," she said, and he sensed she felt guilty for making him use the Light, for making him leave Leia.

He didn't know how to respond, so he just let her see what he was thinking and feeling. Even if that was too vulnerable, it was what she needed.

"I think we can make it," she said, more to herself than anything.

He made himself agree.

They had to be able to do this. They _had to_.

* * *

 **A/N: We aren't out of the woods yet on these heavy chapters, guys, I'm sorry. Bear with me, the last chapter is (I'm pretty sure) the absolute darkest this fic will get. Nothing else is going to be that intense.**

 **This chapter was hard to write so once I finished it I didn't feel like editing it a lot, so if it's a mess I'm sorry - I may revisit it later. I just wanted to get something posted for y'all.**

 **An update on the lit prof: I'm really enjoying the class! I still kinda think he's pretentious and scary, but I have to admit he's much more likable than I first thought.**

 **Please review, y'all are the best!**


	33. Chapter 33: Survive

33\. Survive

The crawlspace was a harrowing enough experience without the bodies; Rey fit through the space fine because she was skinny and used to it, but they needed to use the Force to make the opening wider so they could get Ben through, and even then he nearly got stuck. After that, Rey led the way through the rest of the ship, which wasn't as damaged. She held Ben's hand the entire time. She wasn't sure who needed it more, him or her.

There was a ragged, fighter-made hole in the metal wall of the Falcon that constituted an opening to the outside now. Most of the foxes had disappeared into their tunnel, but Rey could still see the entrance, some fifty meters away.

It wouldn't seem so far to go except that they could not afford to be seen.

They peered through the jagged-edged hole for a moment, then Ben said, "There are still fighters up there."

Only three now, Rey thought, maybe four, regularly strafing the Falcon, undoubtedly hoping that they'd be able to force anyone left alive out in the open.

Actually, they probably already thought they had, because she'd nearly been shot when she went out to get Tess. Had they known they almost hit someone or was that merely a coincidence? Because maybe if they'd seen her, they'd be expecting her and Ben to be on the complete opposite side of the ship. That might explain why they'd heard so many shots but not had as much trouble with attacks close to them.

She knew Ben was following her train of thought because he submitted a slight agreement, a suspicion that they had seen her and fired on her intentionally.

"Maybe if we give them even more reason to think we're on that side of the ship, we can buy enough time to get to the tunnel," he said slowly.

If the First Order saw where they went, they wouldn't be confused by the life signs of the vulps (which Rey had taken to calling the blue foxes), and would simply bomb them while they were trapped underground. So it was important that they distracted them long enough to be able to sprint across the entire fifty meters and shimmy into a tight space and well out of the way of the entrance.

She tested her weight on her leg. She would be able to run, if she ignored the pain (which she was practiced at doing). She'd noticed that Ben's old blaster wounds had reopened, particularly the one he'd been gouging at.

It worried her, that he'd done that. She didn't know what to think he'd do, but he seemed so _lost_.

She glanced at him awkwardly, knowing he'd heard her think that, and he just shrugged at her humorlessly. "I can run."

"Okay. So how can we get them not paying attention?"

"I don't know." Ben rubbed his face tiredly, then shuddered a little and put his hand down. His thoughts partly closed off, leaving her with basic emotions and ideas. He was thinking about his mother. Rey wanted to say something to help, but she couldn't think of anything.

"There's a lot of pieces of metal and things lying around outside the ship," she said. "It can't be that hard to use those to make it seem like we were out there, sneaking around. At the very least, if we shift rubble around or throw some pieces or make something happen with your house, they'll be looking somewhere else."

"That's a bit of a long way away to try to use the Force," Ben said slowly. "And there's no guarantee that would look convincing enough to keep them from looking this way for long enough to help us."

"Well, this is all I can think of. Could we… could we attack them, from here?"

"How?"

"With the wreckage. Throw it at their ships or something."

"We could try. I think I could manage that." Ben was frowning, his mind busy. "I don't know how accurate I would be, or if I'd actually cause any damage, but they would have no reason to think we were attacking from here."

"There's got to be enough with all that to keep them focused away from us, right?"

"There should. Do you think you…?" Ben hesitated. "I know you're strong with the Force, Rey, but this is going to take concentration and care, and I don't know if I can do enough by myself."

Rey closed her eyes and reached out with the Force, felt the shape of the Falcon and then, with a little more effort, the grassy fields around it and Ben's house. She nudged at a hunk of metal with her mind and, although it started to cause her a headache, the metal scrap slammed to the ground. She felt the fighters instantly begin circling and firing.

Ben made a noise of satisfaction. "They've only left three fighters here; the rest are still moving around the planet. And they're focusing some really heavy fire where you moved that scrap. We can do this."

Rey felt a surge of heady relief as her eyes snapped open. They could escape, they could _survive_. "Then let's go."

He hesitated, looking concerned, so Rey grabbed his wrist and tugged him out into the sunlight with her. There wasn't time to wait anymore.

There was no reason to their mad rush across the grass, just the sound of their own feet crushing the thin blades. Rey struggled to send things skittering around the Falcon, moving bodies, shifting piles of metal. The fighters responded beautifully, as far as she could tell – she felt blaster bolts fall like rain on the opposite side of the ship, throwing up dirt and making it hard for her to focus on doing anything, but that was alright, because they weren't seeing her and Ben.

Ben was doing the really distracting things. She sensed something slicing into a fighter, hunks of twisted metal arcing toward the sky, and then his house shook and caved partway in.

They ran, tripping over themselves, Rey half unable to see because she was focusing so hard, but then she felt something shift as a fighter, for whatever reason, started shrieking back their way.

Ben only had to think and she knew what he wanted; she shoved all her own strength and power at him to use and there was a horrendous screech behind them as the Falcon's canons _ripped_ off the ship and slammed into the TIE fighter long before it got to them, shredding it nearly in half. There was a sense of fire and shrapnel, and then the fighter fell blazing into what was left of the Falcon and flames engulfed the two ships – that was good, Rey thought. It would hide the fact that her and Ben's bodies were not there.

Rey hadn't run so fast or so desperately in a long time, and her head was hurting, but they made it to the tunnel opening. It was bigger than Rey had worried it would be, but she still had to drop to her stomach and perform an awkward low crawl to get inside. Ben followed quickly, looking even more uncomfortable than she felt.

"Come on, keep going," she grunted, and scrambled forward as fast as she could into the tunnel until all she saw was blackness. She abandoned her attempts with the Force and focused on moving. She could faintly hear yelping in front of her, and life, and that kept her going.

The wolves' den would probably be tiny and cramped, and maybe the poor animals would attack them, but at the very least they'd escaped the First Order, right?

Ben was breathing heavily, and she was sure this was horrible for him, squeezing through this space, knowing that there were still fighters overhead somewhere. Hopefully the First Order thought they were dead, back in the burning remains of the Falcon, and would finally move on.

She reached out to Ben's mind and sent him a soft question.

 _Are you doing alright?_

There was strain in his thoughts, and still that Darkness. She recoiled from the Dark with a shiver. _No,_ he thought.

What if he gave up? What if he was so upset that he wouldn't be able to keep going? She'd seen him wanting to already – what if he just stopped moving? He had to have some measure of hope or he wouldn't survive. She stopped, and felt his hand collide with her foot before he stopped too.

 _What is it?_

"Ben… It'll be okay. I'm sorry we had to leave them but it was… we had to. But it'll turn out all right." She knew that sounded all wrong but she didn't know what else to say.

Ben made a scoffing noise behind her. "Save it, Rey," he grunted. His breaths were coming a little too fast. "Just keep going."

She realized the tight space was really starting to panic him (because through the Force she could feel his fear and she didn't like it, didn't like how tense he was), so she quickly started forward again.

The dirt clung to her hands and knees and hair, and her wrists began to grow tired, and she could feel Ben's claustrophobia growing behind her. The tunnel went on for ages, getting warmer and deeper, occasionally branching off or twisting. When that happened, Rey used the Force, listened for _life_ until she knew where to go. The dark and the confinement were beginning to get to her too ( _no space to move, dragging herself on her forearms and knees, dirt-clogged hair falling into her face_ ) when there was finally a change: soft light and growing sounds of whimpering and growling ahead.

The last stretch of the crawl was the hardest, a few minutes that stretched into ages as the light grew but never seemed within reach. Rey's calf began to cramp and she wondered if Ben was going to be able to manage the fear well enough to make it (never mind that they were likely going to enter into a space that wasn't much bigger than this, surrounded by unpredictable predators).

Then she slipped, and the soil slid with her, and she instinctively curled in on herself as she spilled out of the dark onto a painfully hard floor. She could see again finally, and she didn't have time to wonder why it was so light where she was before Ben came after her, managing to exit the tunnel more gracefully than she had, although not by much. He glanced around, looking as surprised as she felt.

"It's a shelter," he said slowly, glancing around, and Rey grabbed his arm, launching herself back toward the tunnel, because the shelters weren't safe, were bad, the First Order would know where-

But Ben, as if he didn't even notice she was yanking on his arm, stayed resolutely where he was – in fact, he stood up and glanced around, and she felt his tension ease into relief. "Calm down, Rey. Rey."

She stopped pulling and edged back towards him. She wasn't afraid. "Won't they bomb this place?"

"I don't… I don't think so. Look."

Dozens of gleaming red eyes peered back at them in the soft light of white, flickering lights set into the walls of the cave. One side of the space was a cascading pile of dirt, but the floor was solid metal, the walls smooth and metal too. But there were no people here, no other apparent entrances or exits, and the wolves still stared at them as if they weren't sure how to react to humans invading their space.

"It's abandoned," she realized, glancing back at Ben.

He nodded. "Probably."

Suddenly, with a fierce yelp, one of the larger vulps got to its feet and started pacing towards them, carefully, watching them. The other vulps joined it slowly, and Rey sensed Ben drawing on the Dark and going for his saber, but she shook her head at him.

The Light wanted to do something, she sensed it, so she lifted her hand and let the Force do what it would.

It hushed soft over the room, warm power pulsing to a rhythm of _life, life, life, and peace_ , and the vulps calmed and went back to their business as if nothing had happened. Even Ben seemed a little dazed by the sensation, but he shook himself and actually _pushed_ all the Light out of his mind, she sensed it. That worried her, and she let the Light dissipate and turned to look at him.

"Ben."

They were finally alone and safe, she realized, finally able to breathe. And that was good, wasn't it? That should be good. She shouldn't feel like something was threatening her, waiting to pounce now that everything was quiet.

Ben looked at her, his breathing slowing, some sort of relaxation coming over his thoughts. Why did that feel dangerous? "Rey."

His eyes were soft and his breaths were full of pain and she knew he was falling apart, and something about that broke her focus and her resolve to _not think about it_ and she launched herself the few steps between them into his chest, wrapping her arms tight around his torso. Somehow, she was shaking, and the Dark pressed in, whispering so _loud._

 _We told you they would burn, Rey from nowhere. You've failed them._

 _No,_ she protested silently.

 _They are all breaking. Everything ends. You cannot save them, none of them – they will all be gone. You will fail them all, in the end._

 _No!_ Rey clung tighter to Ben and reached back toward the Light because she didn't want to hear these things from the Dark.

Ben was holding her close, but suddenly he pushed her a little away and met her eyes, hands on her shoulders. "Hey, it's… you're not alone." She wondered if he could hear what she heard in the Dark, all the guilt.

 _Burned, gone, alone, you_ failed _, Rey from nowhere._

Slowly, she was left wrung out and alone against the Dark and the guilt, and she almost collapsed back against Ben's chest as she started to cry. Images flashed in her head, of blood and eyes losing their light and explosions and fire, as if she hadn't even accepted them until now.

She'd failed them. The Dark wasn't lying, it was right.

She was not enough to save them. She grabbed Ben's shirt and let herself cry.

* * *

 **A/N: I could reealllllyy use to hear everyone's responses to this as far as like, the tone? Like what kinda vibe did you get? Because I'm starting a new arc for Rey and it's really important that I'm able to communicate the right tone for that arc. :) This was also a tricky chapter to write and edit so I want to thank BadWolfGirl01 and ANerdsLife4Me for looking at the chapter and helping me with it.**

 **I love all of you - your support makes me so happy! Also, I believe as of tonight, three Reylo oneshots will be posted on my AO3 profile for the More Than Love Fic Exchange - I'm going to get them posted on here tomorrow.**

 **Please review!**


	34. Chapter 34: Drowning

34\. Drowning

Kylo wasn't at all ready to let out the disaster roaring in his chest, wasn't ready to face the full scope of it, so it helped that Rey needed him. She was shaking in his arms, and he felt she was very troubled and… withdrawn. _Shock, maybe,_ he thought.

He was swaying and tired, and he knew Rey's leg was injured, so he pulled out of their hug (to Rey's evident displeasure), and tugged on her hand as he unsteadily sat on the floor. It wasn't comfortable, but it was something like resting, and he needed that. Rey followed his prompting and sat down next to him, immediately flinging her arms around his waist again and curling into his side like she was a small child. Before she did, he caught a glimpse of her face: slack with horror and pain. Seeing that made him more aware of his own misery, but now there was a bolstering spark of anger, too: there was space to hate the First Order for this, for making her look like that. She was supposed to be the one with hope even when it made no sense - what was happening to her? He fit his arm loosely around her shoulders, hoping to help a little.

She spoke, suddenly, her voice muffled against his shirt. It was strange how small she seemed. "I'm afraid."

"We're safe, Rey," he said gently. "This was a good plan, they won't look for us here."

"That isn't what I meant." She turned her head so she wasn't talking into his shirt anymore, but she didn't look at him. "I'm afraid… I don't… I'm not strong enough. For this."

Kylo thought if anyone was strong enough to face this, she was - it was him who was crumbling. "What do you mean?" he asked.

She sighed, the inhale shaky. "I don't know how to do this. I'm afraid I'm going to… to shut down."

Kylo frowned. He didn't understand. Rey didn't give up, it just wasn't like her, and her thoughts didn't feel that despairing (although they were in turmoil).

She shifted against him. "I spent years alone, hiding from the truth about my parents. I just… it's how I survived. And now I'm scared I'll do it again. Hide. It... hurts, but I don't think I can go back to ignoring it. If I do that everything's worse." She looked up at him then, and her face was streaked with tears. She always cried so quietly.

Kylo had never known how to not feel his pain. There was always the anger and the hurt just where he could see it - even now, focused on Rey, he _felt_ everything. He didn't know what to tell her. He didn't want her to do what he always did, what he was doing now - drowning - but he'd never learned any other way to experience pain. "I'm sorry," he said gently.

She nodded a little and took a few deep, long breaths, obviously trying to pull herself together. "I'm sorry too. About leaving them. And your mother. And all of it."

"What do you mean, all of it?" Kylo asked. He still felt a little bitter that they'd left Leia behind, and in truth, he was a little angry at Rey. But he knew it wasn't really her fault, so he would not say anything on that score.

"I shouldn't have come here," she whispered, and part of him agreed because if she hadn't, maybe none of this would have happened and she wouldn't be hurt and his mother wouldn't be dead and they would all be _safe_ \- but he didn't like that Rey was saying that. It meant she was blaming herself. And even if this _was_ , in a way, her and Leia's fault, it wasn't good for her to try to deal with that, especially not now.

"You did what you thought was right," he said, hesitantly. "You both did. My mother… she came too. She said it was a good idea. It's…" He stopped. Maybe he should just lie, and say it wasn't Rey's fault, but that felt _wrong_ , and he didn't want to say what wasn't true or what wouldn't help. But saying that it was partially Leia's fault really wouldn't help either. He shouldn't have said anything.

Rey shivered. "Finn said if I made a mistake that I should just get back up and try again, but… I can't just try again. Look what I _did,_ Ben. If I make mistakes, people _die_ now. So many people."

Kylo couldn't understand how she could put so much weight on herself, but he soothed one hand over her shoulder blades a few times, trying to project understanding. That was all he could really do.

Rey shifted, sniffed a few times, then slowly eased away from him and rolled her shoulders, sliding her pack off her back. "We should go through our supplies." Recognizing the practicality of her suggestion, Kylo followed suit. He dumped out his things, and the smell of spilled salve stung his nose. It was a nice enough smell, really, it just made him think of Oolism's homely, kind face. Just one more person, just one more death. It shouldn't matter so much, but it did. He picked up his clothes. They probably weren't ruined, at least.

Rey dumped her things out too- a set of clothes, a canteen, a small knife in a sheath, a hunk of brown bread, and three portions. She'd been giving too much food to the kids.

She stared down at the piles of stuff, wiping absentmindedly at her eyes, and Kylo wondered what she was thinking. It was sobering, looking at it – they didn't have enough. Not enough food for the two of them, not for long. He glanced at Rey, because she would know if they could survive on this, and he wanted her to tell him it would be okay.

 _Because it wouldn't be okay, probably, and he was lonely and tired and worn out from fighting and he just wanted one thing to be good still. Just one._

Rey picked up both their canteens and set them down, making a face he couldn't understand.

"Are we going to be able to make this work?"

Surely they wouldn't have to be here longer than a week or so anyway. The First Order should be gone by then.

"We each get a quarter portion today," Rey said quietly. "Then we can eat again in two days."

Kylo blinked. "What?"

"I'm rationing," Rey said shortly. "One quarter portion every two days will last us a few weeks."  
Kylo stared at her. He wasn't sure he could do that. "Rey..."

"We can't afford to assume we'll get to leave anytime soon." She tapped the canteens tiredly. "I don't even know what we'll do about water. Maybe in a couple days it'll be safe enough to go back out long enough to get water, but either way, we're going to be short some. We can go ahead and drink some now, but don't drink as much as you're going to want to."

Kylo nodded, feeling well out of his depth, and scared. "Okay."

"I don't think this water will last each of us any more than five days," she said softly, shaking her head. "And we can't even make the portions without water."

Kylo stared at their piles of supplies. If it had looked like a small amount before, now… now it looked pitiful. He glanced at Rey for reassurance, but she seemed distracted, still staring at their four portions and the one piece of bread. Kylo made a snap decision, one that maybe wasn't wise, and grabbed the hunk of bread. Rey grabbed his wrist, fast and instinctive, stopping him. Then, looking embarrassed, she let go.

"We have to save that."

Kylo tore the piece of bread (which was, thankfully, a good-sized one) in two and held out half of it to her. "This won't keep, and we've used a lot of energy."

She sighed and took it, tearing off a small piece and eyeing it before shoving it in her mouth. Kylo hesitated a moment before following suit, wishing he knew how to comfort her. He wasn't good at this – at least worrying about her made it easier to ignore how his own pain roared and burned and begged to be released.

Slowly, his adrenaline eased, leaving him with exhaustion that filled him, made his limbs feel like lead. They were safe now, at least safe from the First Order, and that was… that had been impossible. And yet they'd done it. He couldn't help but be a little glad about that, although that felt wrong in a way, being happy. But he clung to that because he knew he was needed, if only by Rey.

As if she'd heard his thoughts, although he knew she hadn't, she took his hand while continuing to eat her bread. He looked at her dirt-stained hand wrapped in his and that, that at least was right.

He traced his thumb over the back of her hand, brushing off some of the soil. She was a mess, and so was he. But they were alive.

Maker, _she_ was alive _._ He'd been prepared to die, had expected to lose her too. And he hadn't. She was here and she was alive, and if nothing else was good right now, that was.

"I'm glad you aren't dead." He didn't mean to say it out loud, and it sounded stupid, but he looked at her anyway, waited for her to look back at him. She did, with a mouthful of bread, and _oh_ _Maker_ that made him want to smile, even laugh. He couldn't do that, so he looked down again.

"You too," she answered, and tightened her fingers around his. "I didn't think… I don't know, I thought we were going to die."  
"I know." Something told him that the prospect of dying had scared her far more than it scared him. Rey slipped her hand out of his, to his surprise, and her shoulders curled inward. Trying to ignore the fact that her letting go of his hand had stung, Kylo frowned. "Rey?"

"I'm sorry." She shook her head. "I just… I can still hear it."

The screaming. She meant the screaming. The pain of the planet manifesting in a sound, an echo, in the Force, one that only added to his own feelings of loss. He wondered sometimes how not everyone could feel these things - all this death made the very air heavy.

"It will pass," he said.

He didn't think it would, really - he knew, rationally, that eventually this attack would be over and the First Order would be gone. But it just _felt_ as if this was going to be forever, the dark cave and the whimpering wolves and the pain.

"I know," and he understood she felt the same.

Everything that he wanted to say felt like either a useless platitude or something that would just make everything worse. He struggled to sift through his thoughts for the right thing to say - a process made harder by memories of his mother and images of the dead that began to crowd his head, like a wave growing to block out the sky. So he looked down and ate some more of his bread, because really what else could he do? This world was ending and Rey was lost and he… he was staring over the edge, watching to see how far he would fall. And out of the depths, voices laughed.

 _This is what you chose. It will destroy you, Ben Solo._ They said his name with mocking certainty.

 _Yes. It will._

* * *

 **A/N: Hello guys! Chapter 34 is here and it contains a worried Ben and some more dire circumstances - Rey and Kylo didn't pack enough supplies for their camping trip. Like, at all. You would think Rey would know better.**

 **To reader Erika H. Daae - You've left such nice comments on this fic and I always wanna thank you! So thanks a lot! You're getting where I'm going with this so props to you haha!**


	35. Chapter 35: Loss

_"…and perhaps this is strength, to continue moving forward on broken limbs._

 _Perhaps this is bravery, to stare into a night that still rings with unheard screams and greet it with open eyes and set shoulders._

 _Perhaps this is kindness, to feel such pain and still have a place within for warmth, for empathy, to still be able to stand beside another, to feel their pain against your own and seek to soothe it with shaking hands." - the-reylo-void_

35\. Loss

"I don't know what to do, Han. It keeps happening. Especially when you aren't here." His mama's voice was sharp, which Ben had learned meant she was angry and trying to hide it. "I don't know how to deal with it – I don't know how the Force works, especially not with this."

"Can't you just handle it like he was a normal kid?"

"I've never had a 'normal kid,' Han, and anyway – he's not one. He throws things with his mind when he has a tantrum and last time you left he killed the pet you got him, whatever that thing was."

"He did?" Han sounded horrified. It took a lot, Ben knew, to scare his papa.

"Not on purpose, I think," Leia said wearily. "But he crushed it under a bookshelf he knocked over. He said he didn't want to bury it because it was stupid anyway."

"He loved that thing!"

"How would you know? Don't talk like you have any idea how he feels," his mama snapped, and Ben heard her beginning to sound choked, like she did when she cried. "You're never here!"

"I'm not having this conversation again," his papa growled, and when they fought, his papa always sounded like a stranger. "I have debts to pay and there are-"

"That isn't why you leave, Han, it never has been."

Ben felt small. It was because of him. That was why his papa left, wasn't it?

"I'm scared, Han, and I can't do this alone. There's something… Something isn't right with him. It never has been. I told you, I felt-"

Ben didn't hear the rest of what she said, although she and Han kept talking and fighting. She said she was _scared_. Mama was never scared. Papa was scared sometimes but his mama had never been scared of anything, ever.

Was she afraid of _him_? What was wrong with him?

Later that night he crept into her room, careful not to disturb his papa, who was sleeping sprawled out in his mama's bed while she curled up next to him. She wasn't asleep, and as Ben came around the side of her bed, she held out her hand to him.

"What's wrong, baby?" she asked softly, when he wouldn't take her hand. The Voice had been talking to him, and he didn't want to listen anymore.

"You and Papa were fighting again." Ben scuffed his foot on the floor.

"Oh, baby, come here." His mama patted the space in bed next to her, and Ben clambered up and slid his feet under the blanket, lying down so Leia could stroke his hair. "I'm sorry," she said, and she sounded so tired.

"Why does he always leave?" He was sick of his papa leaving all the time. When Papa was home and he and Mama were glad to see each other, everything was perfect – he could almost ignore the Voice, and the Force felt like a friend.

"It's complicated."

Ben didn't see why it was so complicated, but he nodded, because Mama sounded like crying again.

 _Ask her why she's afraid, Ben_ , the Voice said, soft and faint. Ben felt his Mama shift, like she was trying to get comfortable. _Ask her._

"Ben, are you okay?" his mama asked, and Ben swallowed.

"What's wrong with me, Mama?" he whispered. His throat hurt, and the Voice felt proud of him.

"Oh, baby, nothing's wrong with you."

"You said something wasn't right," Ben pleaded. _Please just tell me_. "Mama, I'm scared."

 _Child, she is lying to you again. I'm so sorry._

"Ben… Sometimes people have troubles that they can't help. I love you, so I worry about you – that's what mamas do." He felt softness and warmth surrounding him and cradling him, light and peaceful and loving. She really did love him. The Voice was gone, like it so often was when his mama held him, and he snuggled in and curled up smaller. "I'm sorry everything is so hard," Leia added, and Ben nodded.

If only things could always be like this. He drifted off to sleep with his mama's presence humming comfortably all around.

…

 _He_ was back. That was what Kylo thought at first, when he woke up. The Voice was back whispering soft by his ear, and he felt his stomach dropping at the horrible, horrible realization that he'd been wrong. He wasn't free, of course he wasn't. He couldn't kill Snoke any more than he could kill the Force. Trying to slam up the shields around his mind, he bolted upright and looked around. Nothing seemed to have changed, except Rey had curled up on the floor at some point, and she snored softly, mouth open.

He still felt Snoke somewhere close, but when he zeroed in on the feeling, he realized it wasn't Snoke, but the Dark Side itself, an echo of the presence in his visions. Shivering, he cut himself off from the Force, all but a soft thread of it that kept him from missing its signals entirely.

His neck and shoulders were stiff, his mouth was dry, and a bitter taste clung to his tongue. His dream… He'd dreamed of his mother. The dream called painful attention to something he didn't want to face.

He looked back at Rey. Now that he was calmer, he saw that she'd put their things away in their respective packs and tucked what looked like a rolled-up shirt under her head. Her hair was pulled back into its customary three buns. She still slept all curled up.

As if she'd felt his fear (and maybe she had), Rey blinked blearily, reaching up to rub her eyes clumsily, lifting her head and looking around.

"Ben?" She met his eyes and frowned, and Kylo focused on her and on the way her nose crinkled, because that helped him a little. It was all darkness right now, all loss. "You okay?"

"Stiff," he said.

"I couldn't sleep."

"I wouldn't think so," he said wryly. The shelter had a metal floor – he was pretty sure he'd only fallen asleep because he hadn't slept at all the night before.

"Are you… is everything… I felt it again," she whispered, and of course he knew what she meant. The presence, the Dark. She looked scared.

"I dealt with it." He had, for now. But that meant he was left to himself. The Dark Side had allowed him to ignore the parts of his pain that were the worst, to ignore the sharpness and intensity of _loss_ , something that he knew too well but not… not like this, somehow. Without the Dark, without the Force, when the death was so pointless and so beyond reason or justification… He had lost his mother. He had failed her so many times and had thought she failed him, and now she was gone when everything had begun to seem right.

He wasn't ready for her to be gone. He couldn't do without her, he wasn't ready to. He stood, shaky and stiff, and put his hand against the metal wall he'd fallen asleep against.

"Ben?"

He glanced at Rey and tried, as he always did, to control his expression. "I'm fine."

The children were gone too. He had been annoyed by them, he'd been uncomfortable with them around, but he'd also taught Tyr how to shoot a gun. The day Tess had actually smiled at him had felt like a triumph. They were _children_.

They were all gone. He didn't think he'd ever felt anything like this loss. He curled his hand into a fist and tapped the wall. He still wanted to lash out – that was all he seemed to know how to do. He could imagine the feeling of his knuckles breaking against the metal and didn't think he would mind. It would be better than this sharp pain with every breath that he couldn't soothe.

"Ben, can you talk to me?" Rey sat up, then stretched a little and stood. She walked a few steps towards him. She was limping, and still looked sleepy.

Kylo closed his eyes. "I can't," he told her. "I don't think it's a good idea." There was so much there, just below the surface, and letting it out would be dangerous, so dangerous. He didn't know how.

"I want to help - I feel alone, Ben." He didn't understand how him talking about how he thought nothing would ever get better would help her not be lonely.

He tapped the wall again twice, the soft bang loud in the relative quiet of the shelter. "I know. I know. I just…" He swallowed. "I want to kill all these wolves. I want to rip the lights out of the walls and cave in that tunnel. And I don't think I should talk about it or I might." The truth. There was a necessity to his silence. He was not in control of himself when he let himself feel.

"But maybe it will help. It helps me, when I talk to you," Rey said softly. She looked down and then back at him, trying for a smile. How vulnerable she could look.

"What if it doesn't?" he whispered. What if he destroyed everything, what if he hurt her or made her feel lost, too?

Rey's eyes went almost hard, and with a determined air she started walking towards him. She was small and dirty and looked exhausted but there was a fight in her expression, a ferocity. "Stop hiding from it," she said.

Kylo almost wanted to back away - she moved with such _purpose_ that he couldn't help but think of her standing in the woods with that blue saber, teeth bared, ready to fight. This time, though, he could feel her compassion too, even through the tiny thread of the Force he was attuned to.

"I can't," he whispered. She stopped a short distance away. He didn't know how to feel this without breaking, this loss that weighed on him with almost physical pain. It was too much and he thought he might do something horrible if he let himself feel the whole scope of it. "Please, Rey," he said, and he wasn't sure what he wanted, only that he was choking.

"It feels right," she told him.

He wanted to say it didn't, but then, nothing felt right to him. He held Rey's gaze, felt himself slipping. "I want her," he whispered. "She can't be dead, I don't-" And that was more than enough. He hadn't meant to acknowledge even that much, but it slipped out of him and now all he knew was that truth. He wanted his mama. Everything was raw and exposed and honest and he couldn't bear it, how every touch was pain and when he closed his eyes it was his mama and papa's eyes he saw. He itched to dig his fingers into his burning wounds or crash his fist into the wall or something, anything to feel something else. He curled one hand over his lightsaber hilt and rubbed the other over his face, pressing his fingers hard against his temples. ""I wasn't ready to lose her, I _failed_ her, Rey, and I don't… How do I do this?" he begged. How could he accept this, _feel_ this, and keep going? Either he would lie down and _stop_ or he would break things – he didn't know how else to hurt like this.

Rey reached up and pulled his hand away from his face, holding it between both of hers and looking up at him, tears in her eyes. She'd cried too much and lost too much. None of this was fair or right. "I don't know," she told him softly, lips trembling and voice failing a bit. "I wish I did."

He nodded. His throat had closed off so he couldn't really talk, and he closed his eyes so he felt a bit of privacy as his breath hitched and he swallowed down a sob into a silent, heaving breath. But when he closed his eyes, all he could hear were the screams of the planet, which were beginning to dull into whimpers and cries of pain and pleas for help that wouldn't come. The initial attack, it seemed, was over, but Kylo knew Hux. There would be more to come. Fire and blood and dead children seemed burned into his eyes, and now they were all he saw.

And beyond the pain of the planet and its people was his own, and he couldn't bear it. He just couldn't. He tightened his hand around the hilt of his saber, feeling the lines of the casing digging into his skin.

"I don't want her to be dead," he forced out past his tears. The truth of a boy, of a child, facing a nightmare. He was weak but for once he didn't quite care. "I wanted to tell her… I wanted…"

"I know," Rey told him, and he could tell that she did know exactly what he wished he'd said. How he was breaking. Her eyes were soft and aching.

"It isn't fair," he whispered. "None of this."

That didn't matter. But it felt like it should. He dropped his head, his shoulders curving forward, and let out a shaky, soft sob. That was a mistake, because more followed, and he couldn't stop them once they did.

This was always going to be where he was left. Alone, in pain, with the screams and death he'd caused, unable to carry their weight. He had dared to think he might… that there might be something else, when he'd left. This place had been something safe, and he had spoken to his mother, and she _forgave_ him. Now his mother was gone without him ever having told her how much he needed her, and all he felt was pain. It was always going to be pain like this, with no escape except the ocean or the silence.

"I want this to stop," he whispered. "I want it to stop hurting. Please, Rey, I can't take any more of this."

"Ben…" Rey was crying too, he could hear it, and she stepped in closer so her hair brushed his nose. "I don't know, I don't know how to make it stop." She brushed one hand against his cheek, hesitantly, then put her arms around him, hands splayed against his shoulder blades, and held him tight as if she could put him back together.

It helped him, her being there. He still hurt, he hurt so _much_ where he couldn't fix it, but Rey… Rey was here. And she wasn't telling him to push away the pain and she wasn't telling him to control it. She was hurting with him, feeling the same things, not trying to fix everything. He put one arm around her and curled his hand around her shoulder, and she shifted closer to him, arms tightening. He should have scared her away. She should be frightened of his pain, she should be lost herself, she should have _left_. But she was close, and she was crying too, and it was… not good, but soothing and safe. His hitching sobs slowed into lighter ones, matching the rhythm of her breathing. Why did he feel so safe when he was the one holding her like he was protecting her? Why did he suddenly feel like he could bear the pain when nothing had changed, when he still felt such piercing _loss_ , when he knew his mama was never going to smile at him again and he wouldn't even get to bury her?

Because he thought that maybe it wasn't always going to be pain. Maybe instead it could be like it always was with Rey, like it was now, honest and close and… and… he didn't know. Even if it did always hurt, at least he had her. At least he didn't hurt alone.

 _He could lose her_.

But maybe he wouldn't.

He sighed, breathing in long and slow, and the Force came back to him, but it wasn't the Dark. It was warm and sweet like spring sunshine, like the color of the flower in Rey's old home, like the worn leather of his father's jackets. It flowed over the aching parts of him, cool and soft and gentle. It felt like as if thoughtful hands were taking stock of his wounds, cleaning them, and moving on, and although they didn't ache less, it made him feel… was this peace? It was like the presence of his mother, but more distant – the breeze on a hillside, the grass outside, Rey's smile and Rey's gentle fingers, the way she always told him she had to _try_ , when she stared at him and told him he would turn, the waiting without the bitterness, his mama's devotion to his papa and to her Republic and to him – that was what this was.

Light. The Force.

Hope?

Rey leaned back and looked at him, a lone tear dripping off her chin. She looked confused but hopeful. "Ben, you… are you okay?"

He was not. He had not been for a long, long time.

But there was something unfamiliar, and yet so well remembered, that said, _maybe you will be_.

Shrugging, he loosed his hand from where it clutched his saber and scrubbed at his eyes. He was not done crying, not done grieving. "No."

But Rey nodded at him, and he sensed she understood.

Maybe he would be.

* * *

 **A/N: ****Hey hey hey, look what happened! Ben my son I'm so prooouuud!**

 **I've been meaning to let you guys know: I've posted about four new Reylo one-shots recently, as some of you have seen. Check em out! (And follow me for more?)**

 **I'm starting a new writing/posting schedule where I will post on chapter every Tuesday (unless I forget, which happens). That way you get a regular update and I can get a little ahead on chapters in case A) I get busy or B) I need to edit or plan more. I may give you two chapter this week though because it's my spring break.**

 **Please review!**


	36. Chapter 36: Others

36\. Others

They had received a beacon with coordinates that morning. The distress beacon they had programmed for Leia, the one that would tell them where the Falcon was. Poe had tried to contact the Falcon but there had been no response, and then a few minutes later the signal had ended abruptly. Poe sent some scouting vessels – he was afraid it was a trap. Finn understood, technically, but how could they just wait here while Rey and Leia were in danger? He didn't bother Poe with that, but he did grumble to Rose, who kept telling him to shut up, she'd told him already that she agreed it was awful. In the afternoon, the scouting vessels reported back: Batuu was surrounded by First Order forces: bombers, fighters, and star destroyers. Far more than the Resistance could fight through, since they'd only managed to build up a force of ten fighters since Crait.

So Poe said they would have to wait. And he was right, but Finn didn't want to wait.

He, Poe, Rose, and Captain D'Arcy went to dinner together in the mess hall, which Finn ended up feeling was a bad idea – they were all so tense that they couldn't eat, much less talk. Only a few other officers had been told about the attack on Batuu and the risk to their leader, so most of the mess buzzed with energetic conversation about the day's work. HoloNews played on a display near the middle of the room, droning about wartime statistics and who the Resistance was currently trying to form an alliance with.

Speaking of the display… Finn frowned and nudged Poe. "Look." The HoloNet display crackled and fizzled out, loudly enough that a lot of other heads turned. Then a new display lit up, showing a figure standing against a red background.

Finn recognized the face immediately, as did Poe – Rose was slower on the uptake. Sallow skin, thin cheeks, haughty eyes and a curdled smile, General Hux peered triumphantly down his nose and began speaking. Finn thought this frequency was supposed to be secure – but clearly it wasn't after all. He saw Poe and Captain D'Arcy glance at each other and knew what they were thinking. A broadcast by the First Order on a secure wartime frequency was not a good sign.

"This is General Hux. I want to personally inform friends of the First Order – and enemies as well – of a most happy event."

Finn's stomach plummeted. The General's face was screwed up in a worshipful smile, which Finn had seen before in broadcasts when Hux announced progress on his superweapon or new planets won for the First Order.

"The leader of the Rebellion is dead," Hux purred.

Finn stopped breathing. The cafeteria went silent. Poe made a choked sound. Rose shuddered.

"Liar," someone scoffed.

"So is the… 'Jedi' girl and the weak traitor, Kylo Ren," Hux continued, voice shaking with glee. "Their precious Millennium Falcon is a ruin, and the planet that harbored them will soon be no more than a husk."

Rey? Not Rey, too. Hux was lying, he had to be. Finn's heart slammed hard and fast against his ribs.

"See for yourself."

There were videos. Hux had planned for this. Corpses that still burned lying scattered through metal wreckage, still recognizable in some places as the Falcon. Bones white against blackened earth. Remnants of a leather jacket that Finn recognized as Han's. A video of the moment the Falcon exploded and… and that was Leia, the ship collapsing around her. Perhaps a dozen other people tossed through the air and then just… lying there. One of them he recognized as Rey.

Finn stared and stared, and it wasn't as if he'd never seen death before, but… "Rey," he whispered.

The mess hall wasn't silent anymore. Murmurs and shouts and horrified crying began to spread throughout the room.

Captain D'Arcy was crying, but she stood, lifting her chin. Finn could see how tense she was.

Poe grabbed Finn's arm. "I have to go to the command center," he said. "I have to… They'll need me."

Finn nodded mutely, glancing at Rose, who looked stoic. Her eyes were wet, but he knew this wasn't new to her either.

Hux continued speaking. "Let all of you who consider harboring Resistance scum remember the example of Batuu. The First Order has no interest in survivors among those who would defy us." Hux smiled and dipped his head in a mockery of a subservient nod. "My condolences for the loss of General Organa." Finn wanted to shout and curse, but he didn't. Others weren't so self-controlled.

The HoloNet flickered back to the usual news. Finn watched Poe get up, straighten his jacket, and glance around before striding through the cafeteria towards the command center, Captain D'Arcy joining him. People looked to him as he went, watching – they all knew he was their leader while Leia was gone, and maybe now for good.

How could Rey be dead? It didn't feel like she was dead, somehow, but Finn had seen her lying on the ground. However it felt, he trusted the evidence of his eyes.

Rose looked at him and shook her head. "I can't believe it," she told him, as if she really couldn't. "Them too." He understood. The Resistance had become far too acquainted with loss, lately.

This was worse in a way because things had started to seem better. Word had spread about Rey, the powerful young Jedi who had twice defeated Kylo Ren. (Or at least, that was how Leia had been describing it.) Poe had allowed rumors to spread saying that Kylo Ren had betrayed the First Order – whether that was technically true or not, he said, it would give people hope.

Now Rey was dead, and Leia, all because they had to go after Kylo Ren. Whatever Rey said about Kylo "rejecting the Dark Side," he was still _Kylo kriffing Ren_ , and Finn didn't believe the Master of the Knights of Ren, Snoke's pet enforcer, could just _defect_.

It was good he was dead, if Leia and Rey had to be dead too.

Finn shivered and stood, knowing he should make himself busy. There would be time later (too much time) to cry. "I'm going to the command center with Poe," he said. "You should come." Rose shouldn't be alone right now. And he didn't want to be alone either. Rey. His best friend Rey. How could this have happened? He swallowed, his chest suddenly aching.

"I will." Rose took his hand, and one tear escaped her eye and trailed down her cheek. "I'm sorry, Finn."

"She's your friend too," Finn managed.

"I know." Rose's hand was shaking.

* * *

"Will we listen to him now, Teka?" Kashek Ren wheezed. "He has proven himself more capable than we thought."

Teka didn't believe that simply commanding an army to blow things up made Hux "capable" – but he had destroyed Master Kylo, as he'd promised. She waved a hand, and the HoloNet display winked off. She turned, sneering a bit at Kashek. "You will contact him. Tell him we are open to discussion. But we will not be his weapons to send where he pleases."

She sensed Kashek was reluctant to obey – he was not yet used to her leadership. With Snoke dead, however, and now Kylo, she was the Master of the Knights. "Kashek," she said, her low voice pitching higher and softer. "I did mean at once."

Kashek was the weakest of the Knights, in Teka's estimation. He was a crawling, subservient coward whose loyalty to the Dark Side hinged on his belief that it could keep him safer than the Light. That was true, but if he came to believe otherwise, she knew his loyalty would prove to be shallow indeed. She would hate him, were he not her brother now.

"Of course, Master," he said, inclining his head. Good. She turned away and traced her fingers over the hilt of her darksaber – a constant reminder of all Snoke had given her.

"We must properly honor our brother. Tonight we will meet and perform the rite."

"He was a traitor," Kashek spat.

Teka scowled. Kashek understood nothing. "A brother nonetheless, and our Master. Don't forget it was him who brought us to Lord Snoke." A night she remembered often, a night of fire and screams.

 _She awoke to the Temple in flames. Grabbing her saber from her night table, she staggered out of her room. The Temple was under attack, was her first thought, although she knew that didn't make sense. She started down the hall towards the source of the smoke, the Force communicating nothing but fear and pain. Suddenly, she was met by an uplifted saber and eyes that burned with pain and fury. "Outside," Ben growled, and she trusted him, so she obeyed - leaving her saber on her belt. Her instincts told her to. She felt Darkness in him that she hadn't felt before, and she was intrigued._

 _She walked in front of him out to the courtyard, where the rest of the students had gathered. Not the rest. Some were not here. Dead, she thought. One of the oldest students who, like she and Ben, had been able to make her saber, flanked Ben as Teka went to stand among the other students._

 _The students could have rallied and fought Ben, perhaps, but none of them seemed to realize they needed to. It must have looked, to the others, as if they were under attack and Ben was defending them, but she sensed otherwise now. She could feel the same Dark in him that purred in her own chest, so she knew it was probably because of him the Temple was burning._

 _"Master Skywalker is dead," Ben announced. "He tried to kill me because he was afraid of my power." His voice cracked, and the Voice in her head hummed agreement. Ben was not lying. "I am going to a master who won't fear me or hold me back. Any of you may join me."_

 _His friends ignited their sabers, and Teka knew… it was time to choose. Ben was barefoot, in his nightshirt. He looked small, but the Temple blazed behind him and the Dark roared. This was power Luke had never given them._

 _"Or else you will die," his companion said, and Teka unclipped her saber from her belt as a few of of the other students did. There were shouts, cries - the other students called Ben a traitor. But Teka felt calm, felt certain. She had little affection to spare for Master Skywalker, and less still for his Order. She ignited her saber as the Dark growled, and stabbed the closest boy through the back where he stood. He was twelve, the youngest student Skywalker had taken._

She and her brothers and sisters dealt so much death that night, but she remembered it was Kylo whose darkness had inspired her.

 _Pain gives him strength_ , the Voice had told her. Snoke, she knew now.

Kashek sighed and walked away, and Teka fiddled with her long black braid. She was glad of Kylo's death – it was long overdue. Brother or no, she had long known she should be the one who was Master of the Knights.

Still, it was not their way to celebrate each other's deaths. At the rite tonight, they would all honor him, even those (like Kashek) who now hated him. Kylo was not the first to leave their order. And like they had for those before him, they would choose someone to take his place.

After that, she would not wait in suspense for permission to act, like Kylo had so long done.

No, Teka Ren had grander plans for her Knights than Snoke ever had.

And if that began with an alliance with someone who thought their powers were only foolish mysticism, so be it.

* * *

 **A/N: Alright, we're all caught back up to where we were at the start of this week! On Tuesday you'll get a totally brand new chapter!**

 **I'm figuring out how to write this story the way I want and with quality control. I have a lab report due Tuesday too which is great. -_- But I think I have time to write both things. Should work out.**

 **Please keep reviewing!**


	37. Chapter 37: Fault

37\. Fault

During the days, her parents traded. At night, they went out. "We're seeing friends, Rey."

"Can I come? Can I meet them?"

"No, child."

So Rey stayed at home and braided together her ma's headscarves and talked pointlessly at her ceiling until she fell asleep on her little pallet. Her parents would be back in the morning, looking and smelling exhausted, and they always told Rey to "be quiet, girl, can't you see we're tired?" She understood. They had work to do.

They left once for three days and didn't come back. Rey felt hungrier than she ever had, and she didn't know what to do. No one came to see her. No one came to yell at her to be quiet, and that shouldn't have been so scary. She drank the water they'd left and talked to the walls. They did not, of course, answer. When ma and da came back on the fourth morning, they were silent. They had brought bread, the real kind, not the portion kind. Rey ate too much of it. It was wonderful.

"We're taking you to meet our friends," they told her, and they bundled her into their small freighter. She was excited. Maybe now when they left at night, she could go too, if she knew their friends.

When they landed, they only introduced her to one person. He was squat and wide and had huge, ugly hands. "Rey, this is Unkar Plutt," they told her.

"Hi," Rey said, skeptically.

Unkar's tiny eyes flicked up and down her form, and she decided she did not like this friend of her parents'. She shivered; this felt wrong.

"She is not as small as you said."

"She is skinny, and she's clever. She'll do the job well." Her da sounded desperate.

"Fine. The price we agreed on, then," Unkar rumbled.

There was something passed from hand to hand, from Unkar to her da. Then Rey's ma pushed her forward and Rey skidded on the sand, falling. A big hand curled all the way around her arm and hauled her upright – then did not let go. She pulled grumpily on his grip, turned to face her ma and da. "Let go," she said petulantly, looking up at Unkar.

Her parents turned away, tucking their arms around each other's hips and laughing softly.

"Let go," she said again, with a tinge of urgency. Something in her stomach pulsed _wrongness_. Her parents walked away and onto their freighter. Unkar was still holding her arm. "Let go! Ma! Da!" Unkar tugged hard on her arm, keeping her close to his side. He didn't seem to feel the need to speak, just waited, like he knew what was coming. Rey's heart was pounding, hard. Was this because she ate all the bread this morning? Because she wouldn't be quiet? She had tried, she really had.

The freighter coughed to life and the wind of it struck Rey in the face. She stared. They were… leaving. Leaving? No, no, no, she'd tried so hard. She thought things were good. Where were they going?

"Ma! Da! Come back!"

The freighter kicked up more sand and then shot unsteadily into the sky, gaining speed as it climbed. No, no, no, NO. She yanked hard against Unkar's grip and tried to fling herself forward, tried to run. She wasn't staying behind!

"Be quiet, girl," Unkar growled. "You're mine now."

"No!" Rey knew that was a lie, it had to be. "No, come back!"

But they didn't come back, and however hard Rey yanked against Unkar's grip, however she screamed at him until her voice broke, he didn't move. Just waited until she slumped down, hanging from his grip like a scrap of cloth, then started walking away. Hauling her with him.

"No, no, no," she said softly. "They're coming back. I have to wait, I have to-"

"They sold you, girl."

Rey shook her head stubbornly, so Unkar just sighed and continued walking. He took her back to Niima outpost and started talking about scavenging and ship's parts and portions and Rey ran.

Back to the spot where her parents had left her. She sat down in the sand. If she went somewhere else, how could her parents find her when they came back?

Unkar came and dragged her back to his stand.

And Rey ran again. Farther this time because maybe she could run home and find her parents and surprise them. She ran through the sand and the sun and she knew she shouldn't be out here alone and her legs burned but she had to go home. The sand was gusting into the beginnings of a storm when two men caught up to her, knocked her down, and carried her back to Niima.

So she did as Unkar said. She started venturing out to scavenge in the goggles he gave her with a big net bag. And every day she only stayed out long enough to get a few things and then it was back to her spot in the sand to wait for the freighter to get back.

She had to be here so they could find her. They'd promised they were coming back. They had. She knew it. She didn't remember why, or how she'd gotten here, and she scoffed at Unkar when he told her she was stupid for waiting.

"They told me to."

Unkar didn't ever keep talking to her after that. He'd call her crazy, cuff her on the head, and stump off.

But she didn't care. She had to wait for them to come back, even if Unkar thought it was stupid.

…

Rey's chest _ached_. Her leg burned too - it had twisted a little wrong, and then her mad rush across the field and crawl through the tunnel had only made it worse. But the pain in her chest was a different beast entirely, something she couldn't reach. Ben's arms around her helped, as did the knowledge that she could help him, but mostly her breaths were tight and each beat of her heart slammed against an unyielding wall. She didn't remember feeling like this before, except when Kylo forced her to acknowledge what she'd long dismissed: that her parents had sold her, left her.

This was loneliness, loss, and abandonment all at once, and if it hadn't been for Ben, she knew she might do what she could not and go back to hiding from the truth.

So she kept her eyes on his eyes as she pulled back, wrapping her arms around her stomach. "Ben," she whispered, reaching instinctively for the hopeful light that he now held.

"What?" he answered, wiping his eyes.

"I feel so lost." When she'd grieved before, there had always been something to _do_ to keep herself busy. Perhaps it was better that she didn't have anything to do just now, but she didn't know any other way to respond. She'd lost the children, and the people she'd promised to save. She wanted to _help_ them, not cause their deaths.

"I… I know. I can tell."

"It's not _fair_ ," Rey said – and how small she felt then, how childish. But she knew Ben understood: some things just weren't _right_ , and although she knew the universe wasn't fair, sometimes she thought it should be. Like now. How could everything keep going so wrong?

"No," and Ben almost smiled at her, although he looked deeply pained. "It's not."

And was there really anything else to say? Because none of this was right or fair, and although Rey could think of nothing but all the death, there weren't enough words to begin to say how this hurt.

It was her fault. She had no illusions about that. How could she have come here, in the _Falcon_ of all ships, and brought Leia and expected no one to notice? How could she have endangered these people and brought them into a war they didn't want to fight just to make Ben feel better? He had needed her, but now he was worse off than he'd ever been. It was her fault his mother was dead, her fault he looked like a statue that was about to crumble to dust.

He'd needed her help, and instead she'd just caused him pain and brought hell to this entire planet.

She'd failed, horribly. The worst of it was, she'd been so sure she was doing the right thing. She'd just wanted to help him. She'd wanted to save them.

And she wasn't enough. That shouldn't hurt so much, and yet it did. All the horrible, needless loss, and that loss being _her fault_ , her failure, was the most intense thing she'd ever felt. Worse than the Darkness in the vision she and Ben had shared. Worse than Snoke forcing his way into her mind. Worse than... worse than when her parents left.

And she feared she still wasn't strong enough to weather this. She had never been strong enough and she wasn't sure she was now. How could she keep going and keep trying when every time she did, things only became worse? It seemed to be a mistake to even try anymore and yet she stubbornly refused to believe that giving up was the answer. There was nowhere to go from here that didn't feel impossible. To give up was impossible. To continue was to risk more of this pain, this loss. Inflicted not only on herself, but others.

She didn't want this fate. She didn't want this responsibility. She was not a savior or a hero. She was a scavenger from Jakku who had always tried to do more than she could, who had always tried too hard and risked too much and been disappointed. The galaxy didn't need a failed Jedi, and yet she was all they had.

She would fail them, like she'd failed this planet.

There were echoes ringing through the Force, and when she listened, they weren't just echoes of sound, but of whole moments caught as if frozen, ghosts struggling to escape. She wondered if Ben saw these moments too, because now that all was calmer, they were hard to ignore. So much death and pain. How did anyone bear it?

 _A Togruta mother, clinging tight to two toddlers, running towards a shelter only to be shot two, three times by a fighter sweeping overhead. Her children lay under her, screaming and crying and tugging on her clothes._

 _A small group of would-be fighters, running and aiming guns at the sky even as one by one they were obliterated by shots from TIE fighters that only saw their desperate attempt as a nuisance._

 _A huge group of sentients crowded into a shelter, some crying, some swearing, most clinging to someone else. The air was heavy with the scents of sweat and blood. Then the ceiling buckled and fire and smoke and dust reigned and the people screamed, but they were trapped and there was nowhere to run._

 _A teenage Zygerian lying under a fallen wall, chest caved in, eyes staring sightlessly at the sky as she gasped a few last breaths. The ground around her was muddy from all the blood._

 _A human boy running through the streets by himself, calling for his mother, for his father and…_ and suddenly Rey knew that this was happening _now_ , that somewhere on the surface a terrified little boy with blood drying on his arm was alone but alive.

She opened her eyes (she didn't even know when she'd closed them), and found herself sitting hunched over on the ground, and the pictures hanging in the air around her like holograms. Ben stood outside her little circle of pictures, watching them, as if he was afraid to pass through to her.

"Rey," he said softly. "I was seeing those things too. The boy… he's not far."

Rey blinked and stood, and all the images faded away, except the one of the boy, stumbling through the remains of a town, crying. Ben couldn't be suggesting they go _find_ him, could he? They didn't have enough food or water for that, and it wasn't safe to go outside, but… but there was a boy. Alive, and alone. _Someone she could help_.

Ben looked at the image too, then at Rey. "I don't sense as many ships. I think they'll be gone within the hour." He winced. "Or at least, out of the atmosphere for a time. I sense… I sense there is more coming."

His last sentence was heavy with the Force, Dark and hopeless.

She nodded slowly. "So… we can go get water."

"Yes."

"Is he… Could we find him?" She wanted to go look for him. Let there be something, anything she could do to atone for this.

Ben nodded once. "Soon. Not just yet."

Rey reached out herself, and felt what he meant about the ships not having left yet – she suspected he was able to sense them better than she was. She sighed and turned away, feeling the need to _move_ – she was tired of waiting. She didn't know how, she just… She wanted to go fix this.

"Rey." Ben grabbed her upper arm, his fingers fitting easily around her bicep. "Wait."

She stopped, but didn't look at him. There was so much she wanted to say, but how could she justify burdening him with everything she felt? He was struggling so much and she didn't want to make him worry about her.

He must have caught some of those thoughts because he let out a soft breath, almost like a laugh, and said, "You aren't alone with this. I can… I want to help."

Rey tugged on her arm, and he let go immediately. She sensed he was worried, worried about _her_. She'd done enough though, done enough to cause him pain.

"I just need to rest. If we sleep now, we can get up tonight and try to collect water and find him." She focused on the image of the boy, felt how the Force in her was sustaining it, and made it disappear. She sensed Ben was frustrated and scared, and she let herself soften and turn. "I'll… I can talk to you, just not now. Please."

He sighed and inclined his head. "Alright."

Rey went back to her pack and dug in it for her extra shirt to use for a pillow again, when Ben came over and tapped her on the shoulder. He was holding a large black piece of cloth, rolled up.

"What's that?"

"It's my cloak." He looked almost sheepish, and Rey didn't blame him – it was odd that he'd kept it, when it was such a bulky thing to carry around. "You should use it."

Rey knew for a fact she was more used to sleeping in uncomfortable conditions than Ben was, so she took the cloak from him with some hesitancy. It was both softer and heavier than she'd imagined. "Thank you." She forced herself to smile a little, shook out the cloak, and pulled it around her shoulders. It felt vulnerable to look away from him and lay down, but she did anyway. She heard, as well as felt, when he lay down, too.

And she felt that he wasn't at all able to rest. She was so tired she was already struggling to keep her eyes open, but she could hear him shifting around on the floor. When she peeked over her shoulder at him, she saw that although he'd put on a jacket and pillowed his head on his pack, he was adjusting his position every few minutes. And she sensed he was full of anxiety and fear and… loneliness. And she didn't blame him.

After what had happened, any time she wasn't able to feel him felt unsafe, frightening. There had been so much death that she was no longer sure when she simply didn't notice him and when she _did not feel him_. His closeness was safe. It meant she wasn't alone, it meant he was alive. She hoped it wouldn't stay like this for too long, but right now… She opened her mind to him, brushed his thoughts with hers. His restlessness prodded her towards wakefulness.

 _You can share the cloak, you know,_ she thought sleepily.

She felt he was surprised, and embarrassed that she'd noticed he was so anxious. _I don't need it._

 _Ben._ She rolled over and faced him, adjusting so only half the cloak covered her. _Don't be stupid._ She let him feel a little, but only a little, of her own fear of losing him.

He hesitated, and she found herself drifting off again, so she shoved a little exasperation at him and then gave up on keeping her eyes open. She sighed and curled up tighter, welcoming the soft waves of drowsiness as they swept over her.

Only just as she was losing awareness to her dreams did she feel Ben lift the edge of the cloak and pull it over himself where he now lay facing her. Barely awake as Rey was, she felt no alarm when she felt affection and warmth from him, only a sleepy kind of interest. It woke her up just enough to prompt her tuck herself up against his chest where it was _safe_ before she finally fell asleep, dreams of warm sunlight and soft grass mixing with red fire and the smell of sick and blood.

* * *

 **A/N: I'm pretending it's still Tuesday. XD I worked so hard to have thid out today but I had a lab report due today too so obviously that was priority number one. :) I'm still having some difficulty writing but with any luck it's getting better.**

 **I'm hoping to start spending more time on an original work! So I'm super excited about that.**

 **Love you all for being so understanding!**

 **Reviews are, as ever, greatly appreciated (and occasionally reread for motivation lol).**


	38. Chapter 38: Rey

38\. Rey

When Rey projected her offer at him to share his cloak, for a moment Kylo didn't think he could move. She was holding the cloak off the ground, blinking at him, looking peeved. And then he sensed she was also lonely and wanted… wanted to be close to him.

How strange, that she should want that. He felt her consciousness growing soft and unguarded as she started to fall asleep, but he could still tell she wanted his presence. So he looked around, as if he expected someone to stop him, and got up, walked over to her, and shuffled down under the cloak just as her arm dropped to the floor. He lay stiffly on his side, arm under his head, avoiding the way his chest felt warm and tight. Until suddenly Rey hummed and curled up smaller, her head coming to rest against his collarbone and her bony knees digging slightly into his stomach.

Kylo forgot how to breathe. His own heartbeat suddenly rushed loud and fast in his ears,

It shouldn't have mattered so much, and yet he was frozen. She looked, and felt, tiny – it made him want to put his arms around her and pull her closer and make sure nothing could touch her. Her head only just poked out from under his cloak, and he could see her face had finally eased into a peaceful expression. Although dirt and tears still stained her cheeks, she looked almost happy. That was how it was supposed to be, he found himself thinking. His scavenger deserved to be happy.

Then he felt a soft nudge of Rey's thoughts where he did not want her looking – pushing feelings to the surface that he'd hoped to deny. He didn't have a name for them, somehow, or else refused to give them one. He shifted so he was a little more comfortable, adjusting the cloak over his shoulders. Rey was truly asleep now, her mind fading into dreams. He stayed clear of them. Her dreams were none of his business – and he was busy with his own thoughts.

He was supposed to hate Rey. She was a scavenger who'd resisted him and made him look incompetent and allied herself with everything he'd long tried to escape, the last of the Jedi Order he hated so much. By all rights he should want her dead.

But she was _Rey_. She was the girl who'd stared him down and called him a monster when she was restrained in a cell. She was the girl who'd turned his own powers back on him, who had stood glowering at him and holding his old saber with a predatory glint in her eyes, one that intrigued him even as he was sure she was going to kill him. She had changed her mind about him rather than stubbornly persisting in her hatred, she had reached out to him across whole systems because she was lonely, she had defiantly railed at Snoke and refused to show him fear. She fed children out of her own limited resources and refused to give up, even when someone else would have long ago. Kylo often thought he didn't understand why she was the way she was, but he wondered if it even mattered very much.

She wasn't _just_ a Jedi or a Rebel or a scavenger. She was Rey, and the most important person he had left.

He curled up and bent his head so his chin rested against the top of her head, trying to be more comfortable, to relax. She made him feel safer, which was strange – he would have thought he wouldn't be able to sleep.

But she felt warm, like springtime, and her face was scrunched in a half-frown and her breath wheezed in little snores and that was familiar to him now. She wasn't a presence in the dark this time. She was a girl sleeping close to him.

He found that he _knew_ she wouldn't try to hurt him. So he closed his eyes and let himself relax, determined to sleep. This time would be different. This time he was okay.

…

He woke up to a hand on his shoulder. _Oh Force, not again, not this time._ He sat up so fast he nearly bashed his head into Rey's nose and scrambled back, reaching instinctively for his saber.

"Ben, hey, it's just me. Sorry, I wasn't sure how to wake you." Rey looked apologetic, leaning far back on her heels, hand steadying her on the floor. She didn't have a saber, or her staff, or even a knife. She looked apologetic, guilty. Kylo swallowed and rubbed his face, trying to settle into a more comfortable position and calm down. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest and fingertips.

"Sorry." Rey sounded so ashamed. That helped Kylo focus a little, and he shook his head, moving to stand.

"I'm fine. Are we going?"

"I _think_ the ships are gone, but I'm not sure."

Kylo closed his eyes and listened to the sounds of the Force, of the planet. Rey was right, any nearby fighters had retreated for now, although there was still a dark heaviness over the world. Like he'd suspected, this wasn't over. But there was a brief time of respite. He tightened his focus to look for the boy they'd noticed earlier; he discovered the child had moved even closer to them. He caught glimpses of a dark field, sensed the village was in the distance, sensed the river and the glowing eyes of vulps.

"We should go," he said. "Now's the best time and I have an idea where the boy is."

The river had been something of a private haunt of his, once he'd gotten used to Batuu and before Rey came. The locals had (appropriately) named the river Karabast because of its sharp turning curves, occasional areas of rapids, and icy water. He knew his way to it in the day – at night, with no landmarks, he suspected he'd only be able to find his way there through the Force.

Did Rey know how to do that? She was the scavenger of the two of them, but she was used to using her eyes. He supposed they'd have to help each other. That thought didn't bother him.

"We'll want to find things we can use to hold water," Rey said wearily. Something about her manner struck him as odd – she seemed hesitant to meet his eyes. "Why don't we each drink plenty of water, if we're getting more?"

Kylo nodded. He bent, picked up his pack, and fished out his canteen, unstopping it. He found himself afraid to drink – what if something went wrong and they couldn't get water and this was all he had? But he made himself swallow several sips anyway.

Rey did the same, then swung her pack over her back and reached down to retrieve his cloak, holding it out to him. "Here." He took it, then slung it across his shoulders and fastened it. It would be cold outside, but the cloak would help. Besides, if they found the boy, _he_ might need the warmth.

"We're going to have to use the Force to see. It's too dark to go looking for anything normally," he said, and almost felt like a teacher.

Rey nodded, hesitantly, and twisted her face in confusion. "But how?"

Kylo suddenly remembered, vividly, Luke chuckling at him and saying, "You have to listen. Reach out, but don't look for anything. Just _feel_ it. Be focused." It hadn't made sense until Kylo had actually begun trying.

He just couldn't bring himself to give the same advice, so he fumbled out an attempt at restating the same concept. "Do you ever… just look at things? Not like you're looking for a detail or watching something in particular, but just watching the whole landscape? It's like that. You reach out, and you… watch what's around you. Listen."

Rey nodded, and without delay closed her eyes, automatically holding out her hand, fingers splayed. Kylo swallowed a small laugh. She looked so earnest and determined. He could just sense the patterns in the Force that said she was trying what he'd suggested. She wasn't doing half-bad, but he'd probably have to be their eyes outside.

"Do you think you see the room?" he asked, hoping for results.

"I do," Rey said, sounding awed. "It isn't what I expected."

Seeing things in the Force was different than real sight because few things got in its way. You could see a door and what was behind it at the same time, look around corners and under surfaces without much effort. "Good. That's how we're going to do all our seeing tonight."

Hesitantly, voice careful, he said, "Maybe at first you can hold onto my arm or my cloak. In case you lose focus." If she suddenly stopped being able to "see," she had to be able to stay close to him. It made sense.

Rey nodded firmly. "Let's go find him."

They had to go back through that tunnel, back through the dark, and Kylo had to suppress a shiver as they walked back to the exit and Rey crouched to crawl into it. He hoped it would be worth it. He hoped they'd get enough water and be able to save the boy and make it back here before anyone noticed they were outside.

He understood more now why Rey's reaction to her pain was to _do something_ – there was a nice distraction in it, in planning and thinking practically. Not as distracting as he wished, not enough to _forget_ , but enough to cope.

The tunnel, however, didn't distract him, but instead focused his energy inward. At first, it wasn't so bad – the closeness of the space – but the darkness had a weight and a tightness, and it became all he could think about. He kept himself somewhat centered on Rey's Force signature, which helped, but the ocean was cold at a corner of his mind and the eyes and screams came at him from another side.

 _They burn, Kylo Ren_ , the Dark whispered, with a voice deep and ancient. He tried to ignore it. Now was not the time. _With or without you, we will burn it all._

 _Leave me alone_ , he thought, gritting his teeth and swallowing against sudden _fear_.

There was an impression, like the Dark was _laughing_ , and it pressed hard against his thoughts and the shields he was trying to erect against it. _You don't want that, Kylo Ren, Jedi Killer,_ it hummed. _We have always kept you safe, remember._

He was no longer sure if that was true. He'd chosen to reject this, to run from it, and at the time he'd thought – he still thought – that it was the right thing, the less painful thing.

But Batuu had still been razed and worse was coming and he wasn't sure that the hopeful comfort of the Light was anything close to a substitute for the raw power of the Dark, and what if he needed the strength of the Dark? What if he had made a mistake and everything would continue to hurt?

 _She is not your savior, Kylo Ren,_ the Dark purred. _Come back, come burn with us_.

He could not, he remembered, knew it, it was just… everything was dark, and he felt alone because although he could sense Rey in front of him he couldn't see and the only sound was his own breathing.

 _Ben_. Her mental voice broke into his thoughts, and he felt her pushing at the Dark, trying to help him, he supposed. _Ben, we're almost out. It's okay_.

He shielded his fear because although it helped, having her there, he wasn't sure how he felt about her seeing what the Dark was saying to him, seeing everything he was afraid of. _I know. Thanks._

He felt she was still concerned, and then suddenly out of the dark in front of him came her voice. "You know, I like drawing."

"What?" He didn't know where that came from, but he felt grounded, suddenly, more aware of himself.

"I like drawing," she repeated. "I'm not good at it, though, really."

It would probably have been the polite, diplomatic thing to say that he was sure she was great at drawing, but he didn't. "Well, if you like doing it, I guess, that's nice."

She laughed a little, and he forced a smile even though she couldn't see. The Dark was still whispering at the edges of his thoughts and he didn't think Rey noticed, but he understood she was trying to help him stay focused and he appreciated it.

"I should show you when we get out of this," she said, and Kylo had a momentary surge of bitterness because there was no guarantee they _would_ get out of this – but the new, tiny flicker of hope in his chest said _maybe_.

"You should," he agreed, shuddered at the feel of the dirt under his fingers, getting caught in his hair, and it felt like being _buried_ , like drowning, and he swallowed and pressed on against the dark, trying to find something to say to Rey so he could continue to distract himself. It was so hard to think, though, and he gave up before long and focused on breathing evenly through his nose so the dirt didn't get into his mouth and his lungs.

When he finally felt air stirring his clothes and hair, he let out a shaky breath he hadn't been aware he was holding, found himself moving faster, reaching out with the Force to feel the end of the tunnel and the ground outside, to feel _freedom_ , if no light yet.

 _Almost there_ , Rey thought, and he sent back an agreement.

 _Remember what I told you, and reach out with the Force_ , he reminded her. He knew it would most likely take effort for her to focus on listening when she wasn't yet used to it. Since he was already attuned to the Force, he felt the moment Rey stepped out of the tunnel into the dark Batuu night and was quick to follow, grabbing her arm so she wasn't just anchorless.

"It's so dark," Rey whispered, and Kylo cleared his throat a little.

"I know. Can you feel your surroundings?"

"Yeah, sort of," she answered.

"We can do this," he said, although it came out kind of flat. He felt a tentative agreement from Rey, and reached out for the Force-signature of the boy again, for the direction they needed to go to find him. He sensed the child asleep, staying still, which was good.

"I feel him too," Rey said, and she started walking without further comment, into the tall grass in the night.

Kylo stayed close to her side, holding her arm, afraid to let go because some irrational part of him was convinced if he ceased being able to feel her, he would lose her.

* * *

 **A/N: I wouldn't call this a great chapter? I'm really happy about the beginning of it but my muse ran off to write Clone Wars fanfic halfway through, and, well, I just wrote the rest to get myself unstuck. My muse still hasn't totally returned to this fic and I don't trust her, but we're getting somewhere anyway!**

 **Sorry it's been so long but I have put out some really great Clone Wars fics with a friend if any of you wanna check those out and see what the heck I've been doing. XD**

 **Next week is finals week so we'll see what happens as far as an update for this - hope y'all are all still on board!**


	39. Chapter 39: River

39\. River

Rey didn't know what to do in all the _darkness_. It didn't feel as dangerous as she had expected, maybe because everything else had been so difficult lately that the dark seemed like the least of her worries. And the Force, humming a light pattern of landscape and life in her mind, helped too; there was still pain in it, but just listening to the flow of it like this, she noticed it less. There was something reassuring about sensing all the wreckage in the grass and the house and Ben but not seeing it – something safe.

Ben felt trapped, still, although he at least seemed to be focusing on the landscape around them – Rey sensed finger-like tendrils of the Force slipping out into the darkness and back, almost like Ben was feeling his way more than trying to see. Rey just kept straining for the Force to give her images – she didn't know what to do with the vague impressions she kept getting.

She thought it would be easier if she could leave her thoughts more open to Ben, but she felt… She didn't think she could do that. There had been something in his thoughts last night, as she'd fallen asleep, that had felt dangerous, that her mind said was _too much, we need to retreat_ , and she hadn't quite registered what it was but she was afraid to see it in his thoughts again.

Still, she thought she liked not sleeping alone.

Walking through the grass was strange, feeling the sweep of the grass against her legs and boots and noting far-flung shrapnel that she needed to avoid. She didn't manage to keep the best awareness of everything (it was so _hard_ ) but Ben helped, led her when she lost track of her surroundings. He was an anchor, more than anything, something to hang onto, safety. She wasn't used to that. Everything felt off-balance, huge and undefined and echoing, like she had no idea which way was up, but… but she had Ben to hang onto for now.

And the little boy, the boy crying in the dark. She was going to help him. This time she wasn't going to fail. She couldn't.

Eventually the Force told her they were far from the house, far from the wreckage of the Falcon and the safety of the vulps' den, and she got flashes of trees with wide, thick leaves and twisted branches, beginnings of undergrowth. She tried to feel for the boy, although she wasn't sure how to look; the Force seemed to understand, though, because she saw him again, asleep, got an impression of _close, close, you're almost here_.

"Where is he?" she said softly, and Ben's voice could have belonged to the dark itself when he answered.

"There's a place with a bridge and a lot of rocks. They keep the bridge lit all the time, and he's sleeping nearby."

That made sense, for a lost little boy to take refuge where there was light. Rey wanted that light herself, just now. "This is strange," she said. She felt like she couldn't really talk above a low murmur, the dark was just quiet like that. Strangely, it still wasn't oppressive, just echoing, and it felt like it went on forever.

"Yeah," Ben said, which Rey thought meant he wasn't sure what else he was supposed to say. Rey stumbled over a stick the Force didn't really show her, swore, and Ben _almost_ laughed.

"I want to save him," Rey said. It felt easier, just talking without being able to see Ben's face or feel more than surface emotions. Like she was just talking to herself in the desert, but knowing someone was actually listening to her. "But I'm really afraid."

There was a pause. "Of what?"

"Of… Of it going wrong again. What if I just make everything worse again, Ben? What if he dies too and…" Rey hesitated, looked down, and the Force hummed a little. "And it's my fault again?"

"Rey, we're just trying to do what we can," Ben said, like he was dead tired, and Rey sighed. "If anything happens to him, it won't be your fault."

But that wasn't certain, at all, and the thing was… this was all her fault. So it would be her fault if something happened to the little boy, even if not directly. She sighed, and the dark echoed it back to her, passively. "I just want him to be okay," she whispered, and Ben's hand suddenly came to rest on her shoulder, startling her.

"Yeah, I know," he said, shortly. "Me too."

Rey nodded. They were pushing through undergrowth now, and Rey no longer felt able to keep track of all the signals in the Force, the signatures of life and flashes of stone and sticks and reaching branches. But Ben knew what he was doing, kept a hold on her and just pulled her out of the way of things, gave her soft commands to step up, here – he seemed to know exactly where he was going and Rey envied his ease with the Force.

"It takes practice," Ben said, as if he'd heard her thought, when he had to help her over a downed tree she didn't sense until she almost tripped over it. "Once you get used to it it's easy."

Rey nodded, then remembered he could see that (or could he, with the Force? She wasn't sure) and said, "I know."

She kept checking on the boy, every now and then, and as they got closer to him, she began hearing a rushing sound – distant and first, and then almost suddenly loud, a muted crashing and and rushing like the wind over the sand, but more alive; like the ocean, but more chaotic, with less of a rhythm.

"What did you say the river's name was?" she said. She was fascinated by people _naming_ rivers and oceans.

"Karabast," Ben said, and Rey frowned – the word sounded familiar and it took her a moment to figure out why.

"Isn't that a swear word?"

"An archaic one, yes." Ben's voice was low with amusement. "It's an appropriate name."

Rey smiled a little, heard the sounds of the water like shouting voices and decided that made sense. And then she saw it: a glimmer of light, silvery and too-bright, almost unreal in the darkness surrounding it, and she moved faster, getting a little ahead of Ben as the ground evened out and grew stony and she sensed the space opening up, sensed water and pebbles and stone. And then she _saw_ them, lit grey and fuzzy as they worked their way down a stony beach, the water glinting as it rushed headlong to who-knew-where. Thank the _Force_ , being able to see anything felt amazing, made something ease in her chest. Any other time it would still seem so dark, but now the soft artificial light was dazzling.

She could feel the little boy without trying now, like a curled up ball of loss and fear numbed by sleep, and she broke into almost a run, headed toward his Force signature, squinting in the light as she saw the bridge Ben mentioned, railing lined with lights. Rey wasn't sure she'd ever seen something so beautiful.

She scrambled over some stones, around the side of the bridge, and there, lying curled up on a flat shelf of rock over the turbulent river, was the boy, small face creased with worry. He was asleep, despite the positively thunderous noise of the river, and Rey hurried over to crouch next to him. There was a cut on his arm, just a shallow one, and she glanced back at Ben, who looked sort of like a bat in the low light, his cloak wrapped around him. If it all weren't so serious, Rey would've wanted to laugh.

Ben crouched down next the little boy, raising his voice over the crashing of the water. "I don't know how to wake him up," he said. "Not without scaring him."

Rey frowned. She didn't think there was a way. "I think you need to lose the cloak and back up a little. I'm just going to shake him awake and then calm him down." Ben did as she said, bundled the cloak up, scooted back and sat down cross-legged – probably the most nonthreatening he could ever look to a scared child. Rey leaned forward, put her hand on the boy's shoulder and shook him a little, talking out loud as she did: "Hey, can you wake up? Come on, buddy, I'm not going to hurt you, you're okay."

He flinched, hard, and jolted awake, eyes blown wide open. He twisted away, batted her hand off him, almost _spasming_ with small, jerky movements. Ben made a surprised noise, then suddenly came over, settled in front of the child, and then his posture started shifting, his hands moving in small, subtle motions, expression (not unusually) changing rapidly in the course of a moment. Rey blinked, confused, but the boy seemed to _calm_ , easing under her hand, and Ben suddenly reached out and pulled her hand off the child's shoulder.

The boy visibly relaxed, slowly sat up, his movements smoother now, slower. Then, he spoke. "My name's Ovir." It was hard to hear him over the sounds of the river, but Rey picked up on it anyway. Ben went more still, next to her, and she felt him press a thought at her. _He was speaking with kinetic communication. When you woke him up that's what he responded with, so I thought if I answered in that language it would calm him down_.

"Okay, Ovir, you're safe," Rey said, summoning a real smile from somewhere. The child's eyes darted to her, like he was trying to decide if she was someone he could trust – he looked wild, lost, terrified.

He was a small, chubby Lorrdian boy, maybe ten years old, with tanned skin, dark brown eyes, and black hair that flopped in his eyes; his grey shirt was stained with mud and a little blood which Rey decided to assume was his own, because the other options were dangerous ones to contemplate.

"My dad is dead," he said, in clear, panicked Basic. "Who are you?"

Ben answered, which Rey understood – Ovir had latched onto him the second he spoke his nonverbal language. "I'm Ben," he said, and Rey's throat tightened, "and this is Rey. We're…" Rey didn't think this came naturally for Ben at all, but he swallowed visibly and kept going. "We're here to help. We have a safe place to hide, if you come with us."

Ovir shrank back on the stone and Rey resisted the urge to reach out and grab him, because he had moved closer to the edge of the stone outcropping and the river below was so _wild_. "No," Ovir said, sharply, and Rey recognized the fear in his brown eyes because it was the same fear she'd felt for years. The fear of leaving somewhere known, if hated.

"Okay," Rey said, because Ben looked frustrated already. "Okay, I understand. You're scared. But it'll be okay, we'll protect you."

Ovir didn't say anything, just watched her, but she saw him tense a little, his shoulder lifting, and Ben sighed quietly. "He said no again."

Rey looked around, although she knew she would have sensed if anyone was coming, and went ahead and shifted so she was sitting down cross-legged, and met Ovir's eyes. "Ovir," she said, gently, "This place isn't safe for you. What if they come back?"

It was unkind of her, but it had the desired effect: Ovir flinched, hard, shrunk into his brown shirt and shook his head mutely. A gesture she could understand. "No!" he said, shaky. "No, don't let them!"

He was looking at Ben again, for reassurance, and Ben leaned forward a little and said, surprisingly gentle, "We won't. But we can't do anything for you if you want to stay here."

Ovir looked between them, big brown eyes desperate, and Rey glanced at Ben, felt a pulse of concern from him. She thought he was afraid nothing they could say would work, to get this panicked boy to go into the unknown, into the _dark_.

But Rey knew better. Because she was like this boy, once upon a time. And he didn't want to stay, not really. The unknown was just worse.

So she moved forward, across the rock, slow and easy. Ovir shivered and backed up, to the edge, still over the river, but Rey stayed calm, reached for the Force that she knew would answer, the pulse of Light that she needed so badly, and concentrated on pushing both things towards the little boy. She wasn't sure if that would work, but she had to try. "Ovir," she said, very gently, holding out a hand palm up but not touching, "What is your favorite thing in the world?"

Ovir blinked, looked back over the river, and then looked at her again. "My… favorite?"

"Yeah." Rey left her hand out, smiled gently, ignored a questioning feeling from Ben. "Your favorite thing in the galaxy."

"I…" Ovir folded his hands together. "Papa makes dinner, sometimes, when he has enough. With tubers. And meat, whatever we have. And there's… gravy. And that's my favorite."

"That sounds delicious," Rey said, grinning. "I've never had anything like that." Rations weren't very good in the Resistance right now, they were low on everything.

"It is good," Ovir said, and sniffled. "I- I don't want him to be gone, I'm-" He stopped, shook his head, panicky.

"I know. I promise you, I know," Rey said.

"Me too." That was Ben, low and raw and more than she had expected from him, and she twisted on her feet to look at him, suspected he could feel her appreciation across the bond.

Ovir looked between them again, uncertain, and Rey met his eyes, nodded and tried to project understanding and encouragement, but more than that, safety.

"If I come with you, can we… can we not go far? In case he's okay?"

Rey bit her lip, wincing. "Our shelter isn't far," she confirmed. They would have to leave, eventually, really go, but for now, they were close. She wouldn't let this boy be as stuck as she had been, if only because he would die, if he stayed here.

Ovir nodded, slowly, made a tiny gesture with his shoulders that Ben imitated.

"Okay, let's go then," Ben said, and Rey felt impatience, and anxiety from him.

"We'll just get some water and then take you to where it's safe." Rey was _going_ to protect this boy. She had to. After all that had gone wrong, she needed this, needed to just save _someone,_ anyone. So she stood up, helped little Ovir to his feet and away from the edge of the stone and the roaring Karabast below them, and they started along the riverbank, and she promised, to herself.

She would keep this boy safe.

* * *

 **A/N:** **GUESS WHO'S KIND OF BACK!**

 **Look y'all, I'm just, on a Clone Wars kick and that's basically _all_ I'm writing now and I'm not sorry, my muse is very busy over there. However, I still love you guys, and these kids. It's just that the Clone Wars kids own my muse for the time being (you can find those fics on my AO3 for the record, if you wanna see what I've been working on).**

 **Love y'all, hope you like this chapter!**


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